Filed restraining order

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been on such a roller coaster ride over the holidays.  On one hand, I am so done with it all, on the other I know he is ill and feel sorry for him. 

My BPDH went manic at the end of November and into a psychotic mania just before Christmas.  He has worn out his welcome everywhere and is now homeless and on foot.  He took our truck, but abandoned it on the highway which I was able to recover.  He believes things that are not true, and when confronted he just changes the story line.  It is so unnerving.

Why I waited to file I don't know.  The police were begging me to file so they had a way to get him into court ordered therapy.  So I finally did for my safety and for his sake.

After several homeless days he managed to get himself to the local airport and called me collect to tell me he was flying out to see his sisters and his daughter.  I told him they don't want to see him, which they had told him too but he didn't listen.  Then I get a call that he is on his way back to our small town and he will do whatever it takes to get back together.  I told him to check into the crisis house that we have here and get the help he needs.

I know that since he says he is doing whatever I want so that we can get back together that he does not really want help and that he is making this my fault.  There is no way we will get back together on that basis. 

My choice before me now is do I chuck 18 years of marriage out the window and divorce him or wait and see if he does turn things around. 

[Mara2]

I have been on such a roller coaster ride over the holidays.  On one hand, I am so done with it all, on the other I know he is ill and feel sorry for him. 

My BPDH went manic at the end of November and into a psychotic mania just before Christmas.  He has worn out his welcome everywhere and is now homeless and on foot.  He took our truck, but abandoned it on the highway which I was able to recover.  He believes things that are not true, and when confronted he just changes the story line.  It is so unnerving.

Why I waited to file I don't know.  The police were begging me to file so they had a way to get him into court ordered therapy.  So I finally did for my safety and for his sake.

After several homeless days he managed to get himself to the local airport and called me collect to tell me he was flying out to see his sisters and his daughter.  I told him they don't want to see him, which they had told him too but he didn't listen.  Then I get a call that he is on his way back to our small town and he will do whatever it takes to get back together.  I told him to check into the crisis house that we have here and get the help he needs.

I know that since he says he is doing whatever I want so that we can get back together that he does not really want help and that he is making this my fault.  There is no way we will get back together on that basis. 

My choice before me now is do I chuck 18 years of marriage out the window and divorce him or wait and see if he does turn things around. 

[amja77]

Mara, I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through.

Sometimes taking these sort of precautions are the best thing, for both you and him.

I've almost had to file a restraining order on my BPDbf due to his mania and addictions. He's been to the crisis center so many times. I believe, after they have hit rock bottom, they come back to us: the ones that will always be by their side no matter what.

But I believe since you have taken this next step, you should keep moving forward, and not back.

It must be unbearable to deal with right now, but I believe, for your own safety and sanity, go forward and keep your distance. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling after so many years of marriage, but if you have a chance to put distance between you and him, especially during this crucial episode, take the opportunity. Sometimes the best thing for them is to help them face their issues without giving them a life-jacket. He needs to realize his crisis and deal with it. Don't go down with him.

Much love and support to you.

[janey62]

Hi Mara,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, sounds truly awful... .

It also sounds like you couldn't have done anything different, for you or for him.  Also, you sound as if you are prepared to stick to your decision, though I really get the heartbreak of wanting to protect yourself but also of knowing how sick and vulnerable they are and wanting to help.  My uBPDbf breaks down into tears of despair and I just hold him and feel so sorry for him and at those moments is being as honest as he can be, but then he goes back to drinking too much, abusing me verbally and disappearing, as if he's actually forgotten that he begged me for help and told me none of what he says to me is true, that he is sick. 

I believe your husband has to help himself and if you give in he could slide backwards from getting that help because you're there to act as a buffer for his feelings.  I can also empathise with your sadness and fears.  I tend to agree with amja77, maybe moving forward is the way, though it doesn't always feel like that.

Wishing you peace... .

Jane x

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi mara, im sorry you are going thru this

I have an RO on my uBPDx, it gave me valuable time to figure out what I really wanted, it gave me time to see a way out of the FOG, I was so tired of making decisions out of fear.

You must do what is right for you.Not him.

[Clearmind]

My choice before me now is do I chuck 18 years of marriage out the window and divorce him or wait and see if he does turn things around. 

Hi Mara

Yes you are right it does come down to these two choices - how we arrive at the decision is less black and white though.

Can you list what would need to change for any chance of a reconciliation? and

Is he capable of hearing you out as you voice those needs.

We also need to be mindful that nothing changes without change - and that includes finding ways that we can cause the bleeding and conflict cycle to continue. Over to the right is the "Choosing a Path" banner ---> when you get a chance have a look at Step 1 - Stop the Bleeding

All the best