Emotional Roller Coast Riding...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Life now is a daily struggle everyday… I am hanging here high and drying without knowing where my life is going from here.

He has claimed that he wanted a divorce ( every time he left, he has been using the same tactic), but this time he wants me to file the divorce in this recent email after a long silence treatment…

In the past few years, he has trashed me with all the emails whenever he decided to disappear for days… He would come back fine as if nothing had happened... Again, I become the best wife he can possible dream...

I have no idea what kind of game he is playing this time… He surely sounded angry in his email. He does not want to have anything to do with me at all as he starts a new life in the new year.

Had I seemed the help from psychiatrist last year when the same incident happened, I might have been able to see all the red flags that I had missed. I would have been able not to trigger... I would have been able to find a way to avoid any conflicts…

I am not sure whether i am the only person who gets stuck here…

[Sophia66]

Life now is a daily struggle everyday… I am hanging here high and drying without knowing where my life is going from here.

He has claimed that he wanted a divorce ( every time he left, he has been using the same tactic), but this time he wants me to file the divorce in this recent email after a long silence treatment…

In the past few years, he has trashed me with all the emails whenever he decided to disappear for days… He would come back fine as if nothing had happened... Again, I become the best wife he can possible dream...

I have no idea what kind of game he is playing this time… He surely sounded angry in his email. He does not want to have anything to do with me at all as he starts a new life in the new year.

Had I seemed the help from psychiatrist last year when the same incident happened, I might have been able to see all the red flags that I had missed. I would have been able not to trigger... I would have been able to find a way to avoid any conflicts…

I am not sure whether i am the only person who gets stuck here…

[Seneca]

oh girl, SO many of us are stuck there and have been stuck there. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Forget what he wants! What do YOU want? Do you want to stay in this marriage? Forget financial or social pressures... .pretend they don't exist. Just think about what you want and need from a r/s. And can he give that to you? And if not, are you willing to live without it indefinitely?

[lovedandhated]

Hello. I wish I had an answer for you. I am in the same situation. Every January my husband moves into a new apartment and will not tell anyone where he lives, mainly me. He says that I am evil. He then returns to our home and expects for me to be the perfect wife for the few hours that he is there. There are cycles of push pull. He is happy as long as I do not complain about anything. He has destroyed my finances because he moved and took his income and left me with all of the bills. While reading your post I felt as if I was reading my story. I am looking for insight as well. I understand how it feels to be riding the rollercoaster. It seems that the leaving has to do with control. I don't understand how someone so afraid of losing a relationship will leave it and risk losing it so often. Do you think it is because we don't leave? My  husband and I have not had contact since New Years Eve. I feel so lost. I feel for you as it seems that you are in the same situation. Hang in there.

[Sophia66]

i have not heard from him since New Year's Eve, a few minutes before the new year. he sent me another hateful email with 7 most absurd new accusations. I felt sick when reading the email, yet I responded to one of the most ridiculous accusations, I have not heard from him since… i do not know what card he is planning to play next and the saddest part is that i do not know where he is, he never calls home for the last 40 days. What has made me sick to my stomach is that the only person who knows exactly where he is is his own assistant.

I am now trying to survive well, take it one day at a time, the pain does not seem to ease that much at all. Everyday I am trying to keep myself busy and tell myself that he does not care about me at all, he just does NOT. What type of husband or wife would do things like this? I know I would NEVER do it to anyone in my life…

I am sorry that you have to go through this as well… The only thing we can do right now is to stay strong.

In my case, I do not know how it will unfold…

[lovedandhated]

How are things with you? I had not heard from my husband since New Years eve. I had to call him yesterday because I am supposed to teach a class for him this week and I did not know what day and time. He acted really matter of fact. He called me today and told me the class was on Thursday. This will be the first time I see him in days. I don't even know how to act. He invited me to lunch on Thursday as well. I don't know what he is up to. He has an apartment but he will not tell me where. I have not known where he lives for a year now. I am exhausted. Sometimes I want to leave him but I am afraid. He has told me that he will do everything to ruin my career and my reputation and will accuse me of assault ( I have not assaulted him) if I every fight him for anything in divorce court. I need my career. I am the sole financial support in my household. I don't know if he has filed for a divorce. He threatens to file every time we have an argument. I am hanging in there. Sometimes I wish I was not so afraid to leave him. I hope you are doing ok.

[Sophia66]

Hi, Lovedandhated, thanks for the message and I am sorry that you have to go through this as well. I have not heard from my husband since New Year's Eve and I do not know where he is at all. He accused me of many things and one of which is a narcissist, and even sent me a web- link. I am certainly not, on the contrary, he is the ONE.

I do not know what is going through his mind and what he is going to do it or whether or not he is filing a divorce.

One biggest puzzle to me remains the same: How could it have been possible for anybody to leave you and hate you so much while minutes prior to that I was the best in the world to him? The latest outburst and departure were not planned at all. He was supposed to come home with me after the holiday and our flight was the following day.

It hurts me so much whenever i walk into the closet and see all the shirt I ironed for him and all his stuff…

Nothing can be done at this stage but stay strong for ourselves... .

[lovedandhated]

Hello,

Sorry you are still hurting. I think when your husband calls you narcissist, he is projecting. My husband does the same thing. It is also a mystery to me regarding the extreme love one minute and extreme hate the next. It is that black and white thinking. I recently put all of my husbands clothes that he left here in a box. I now have two closets, one for my shoes and one for my clothes. It actually helped me to feel amazing. It somehow gave me strength. It was the only way I could stop looking would at his clothes and feeling so bad. I feel like I am in limbo right now because I don't know if my husband filed either. I keep telling myself that if he files so be it. He would be doing me a favor. I hate myself for not having the strength to leave him but I am afraid he will hurt me if I file. He is very vindictive. Be strong and safe. I hope things get better for you. I really don't think that our husbands will file because then they lose the control they have over us when they hold the threat of divorce over our heads. What do you think? Hang in there my kindred spirit. 

[pecia]

Hi it still amazes me the similarity of stories. To boot- I got called a narcissist just the other day. The next minute he is telling me how much he loves me and how I am so wonderful. He moved out 4 months ago after 17 yrs of marriage and claimed to be filing for divorce. Shockingly- he spends most off days with me pretending nothing is wrong. At random times he triggers into some anger hissy fit. I have learned how to dodge it for the most part. I ge stronger with my self esteem and fixing my own issues everyday. I am starting to see his outbursts as being from the scared and insecure child he is. It would be much easier if I didn't love him so much. I guess we will see what he does when his lease runs out in 2 months and he has to decide if he is moving back home or not. It would probably be better for me if he filed because I can't bring myself to do it. But I don't want him to. What a sh!t place to be. Sending peace your way. - pecia

[Sophia66]

Hi, lovedand hateed, pecia, it is incredible that you are going through the same thing. I have not heard from him yet. He is actually out of the country right now, he did not return home from the holiday. The last email from him was on the new year's eve, 7 new accusations. Waiting for another shoe to drop is agonizing. I am not going to do what he asked to contact any lawyers at this stage. I do feel that we need to at least talk face to face about the settlement and etc. before moving forward. He is a completely different person when he is in rage. I am able to connect all the dots ( red flags ) when i look back. He can be vindictive as well. We do not have children together, but he has a son from his previous marriage, with whom he has little contact.

To any outsiders, he is the charming, intelligent, successful personal, but he is a complete devil sometimes at home when he is going through his own persona.

Now I am not sure whether I am a codependent any more… I actually  have my own career and am financially self sufficient. Even though I have been through a lot and am feeling emotionally drained, I still love him, which has made everything a lot more difficult.

I went shopping to the places both of us usually go, the trip made me reminded me of everything about him and i missed him so much. I had the most horrible shopping trip ever…

I am trapped emotionally. Not knowing where he is  and what his next plan is, I feel helpless and hopeless. Am I still processing the fact that he is suffering from this mental health? My therapist is trying to get to detach myself from what he has done or said, but I seemed to be able to do it when I was at therapist office, but there are moments during the day that i find it impossible to detach myself from this illness….  :'(

Stay strong for myself and for ourselves… as our husbands do not seem to care about our feelings at all…