Getting closure - this is how I did it

[Jonie]

Just wanting to share my update with you. One of the things that make it so difficult to deal with a BPD-break up for many of us here, is the lack of closure. Well, I just closed things down with my now-really-really-ex-pwBPD... . ! Feels both sad and good... .

[Jonie]

Forgot to mention the huge cry out at NYE - thank God a friend from this board was able to pull me through

[arn131arn]

I love the letter idea. How it took a deep sense of honesty so you could remove any manipulations/false hope. Sounds like a great idea

[winston72]

Hey Jonie, thanks for this post.  A couple of things stand out to me.  The first is your description of the deep connection to him and the related positive memories... . and how they stand in contrast to the withdrawal and silence of the past year.  I suppose that is image of how a push/pull (or should it be pull/push!) is experienced emotionally.  The reconciliation of those two emotional dimensions can be really difficult... . confusing because of the contradictory nature of the experiences. 

The other is your taking months to write a letter.  I have done this so many times!  Writing, reflecting, editing, rewriting and then sometimes sending it and sometimes not.  For me, the need to spend such time discerning my own emotions, reviewing the history, thinking about how the other might react... . well, it is a symptom of the confused and troubled nature of the relationship.  It was the continual desire to find a stable, secure footing.  I cannot think of any other area or time in my life when I have had to think so hard about such communication.

I am sorry for your loss.  I sense a more lasting oasis, with a deeper well of fresh water, awaits you.

[Jonie]

Hi Winston72, thanks for your reaction. The push and pull was an ongoing thing actually.  He regularly said that it would be best to end things – for all kinds of reason -  but I never took it very seriously; thought it had to do with his fear for abandonment and his feelings of inadequacy. He also backed off regularly, kept silent for a months or so, which really got me crazy. After reconnecting, he often said: “Rest assured, I’ll never leave you; I may ‘go for a walk’ now and then, but I’ll always come back to you!”. But when he was away, of course I could never be sure that this wasn’t a final walk out. Which is also why I kept hope for so long during this past year...

It was only through this board that I realised this could be percieved as a sort of recycling, although we never actually broke up.

[Jonie]

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[Arctic Monkey]

Jonie, my advice to you for your next move would be to delete your FB account completely. The root of all evil and nothing more than a licence for show-offs and stalkers in my opinion.

Unless you're 15 or have relatives on another continent there is no reason why anyone should feel  obliged to display their personal life to all and sundry. We managed fine before it existed didn't we? I have never been on FB and never will. And that really helped after my breakup as it made it easy to maintain total 'radio silence' and protected me from upsetting probing and gossip.

Good luck with your new beginning.   

[Jonie]

AM, I agree, showing off your ongoing personal stuff (you making sandwiches, you buying a new shirt, you waiting for the bus, and endless series of pictures of your cat) is not very inspiring.  

Luckily, my friends don’t do that (I have only a handful). They mostly share things they think will be of interest to others

[Arctic Monkey]

Hi again jonie. Sorry for the late reply. I've been distracted by my friend sending me pictures of his new baby on What's Ap. So gorgeous!  So I stand corrected. Social media does have its positive uses.

Just make sure your ex doesn't have access to yours!

[loz1982]

I too wrote a long message to my ex it took me ages to right it was just stuff I had said in the past but I thought maybe he didn't understand so if I write a letter he will. Didn't get the best response to it he only picked out things about the financial side of things nothing of my feelings! I also had such lovely times with my ex holding hands in the car, grocery and clothes shopping together, him buying me a netball to go shooting with me and me waking up from an operation to flowers and chocolates. How can someone who can be so thoughtful and like the simple things in life make life so complicated and make problems when there aren't any?

[Jonie]

Unfortunately, my exP read the manual on BPD…

So he sent me a letter, saying how much me missed me and that he is truly devastated by our loss. He has never missed anyone more in than he is missing me…. 

Remember that this is the guy who has declined all my invitations, did not send a kind word all year long, kept refusing to see me…

And Ioz1982, just as your ex, he didn’t address the content of my message, only reacted to what triggered him – so textbook BPD!

I just couldn’t make out if this was his attempt to reconnect, or that he simply hoped that I would not be angry anymore – because then he would not have to feel guilty.

After the initial shock that left me with pounding heart and trembling legs, I was happy to see that I was soon at my feet again. This is progress!

Many of you will think it is soo stupid, and maybe it is, but I texted him that I had never wanted to break up, but that he left me no choice. And if he thought there would be a way to reconnect, he would have to think about what step to take first.

Although I can’t see ourselves getting back together again, it is just not in my heart to tell him “Sorry, you’re just too late”.

So, the story continues…...  


AM, yes, he does have access to my account, which is what I want to block. Congratulations with the new bundle of life!

[loz1982]

I can relate so much to this my ex said he loved me so much and missed me very much, nothing holds any interest for him anymore because I had given him hope I would come back. I had hoped something miraculous would happen he would suddenly decide he needed help and mend bridges with my parents but never saw evidence of this. In his case actions speak louder than words! Anyway I left in Sep so it's been a good 3 months and he out it too me was I coming back to make it work, I couldn't commit to saying yes and he went on a rant again which ended up saying your parents are miserable interfering in laws that is my problem and I haven't heard what part you have played in all of this etc. He said don't contact me again, quite a change from the previous week! So all I'm saying if you don't see how it will work it prob won't and if you are waiting for him to come through you will be waiting a long time and it will just draw yours and his pain and suffering out. That was my experience anyway!