Same Song different day

[bubby827]

My d has been out of school for 82 days so far this year.  Because she has never caused problems before the Principal let her work from home.  Tomorrow is the first day back.  I am hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. 

We were excepted into a grant funded program through county mental health.  I was hopeful and even excited for a new beginning for her.  She is 17 and basically had a set of tantrums which resulted in her being asked to leave.  I have posted the full story some where on the board. 

>Problem number 1:  the therapist has no experience with DBT which I was                                          expecting

> Problem number 2:  The psychiatrist only had one piece of paper had not talked previous, nor had she talked to principal, nor had she talk to previous therapist.  Makes the decision that my daughter in not BiPolar I or BPD.   She met with her for maybe 15 min.  And said her behavior was normal teen stuff.  Bull Sheet

> Problem number 3:  The group for DBT starts mid January.

I have pretty much decided they have till the end of January to get things straight or I am going some place else.  My daughter is not stupid she knows what the "Right" answers are and gave them.    I am so P.O. I could scream.

I wrote a very long note to the therapist telling her my concerns and have yet to hear back from her. 

What would you do?

I am so sick and tired of being my daughters punching bag and so

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bubby827]

the one document they had was from her last hospital stay.  in 6 months she has been in 3 times

[crazedncrazymom]

Bubbly I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  Frankly in all the time that we have been in the mental health system There have only been two doctors who have read through her entire file.  A lot of doctors/counselors want to get their own view of the situation and refuse to read what anyone else has done.

That can be both good and bad.  Good: The doctor/counselor is getting a fresh look.  Bad: Discounting all prior history which in our cases is HUGE.  Being admitted 3 times in 6 months and all the other stuff your daughter is going through is not "normal teenage behavior". 

I hope you can find someone who can help support and guide you through this process.  Maybe talk to her guidance counselor?  They generally know all the ins and outs of the situation.

-crazed

[qcarolr]

bubby827 - Have you read Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD: A Family Guide for Healing and Change".  It takes a bit to read yet has been the best resource for many on this board.

Hold on. Things are just getting put into place. What day is the DBT group starting? It is getting closer to the middle of January.

The friends at school: sometimes this is a fear response. Not knowing how to cope with the extreme behavior changes in your D.

First step for all parents: find a way to take care of yourself. As you mentioned in one of your other posts, using a quieter voice can help. Finding ways to create a quieter mind helps too. It is sure hard though. My dh was in denial for a long time. He refused to read any books. So I printed some articles, some posts from here. He would read something of 1-2 pages. I also ask him to listen to my concerns, my ideas... . Even if he does not agree. I also ask him to accept that I am not looking for him to 'fix' anything. just to listen. And he set a time limit of 20 minutes as I can go on and on and on.

It also works to keep that calm voice, and writing an outline of what you want to say, before communicating with the professionals. When I am over-emotional then it shifts them to taking care of me instead of taking care of my DD27. Or they do not take me seriously. My DD also has panic attacks and was dx bipolar before BPD. For her the meds. do help with the anxiety and depression. There are not meds. directly for the BPD. This is why the DBT is so important.

I will keep you and your D in my thoughts and prayers. For mindfulness and perseverance.

qcr

[bubby827]

I just want say this board is the best I have found.  I always welcome Ideas we are so new to this diagnoses we just don't know which end is up half the time.

[nomoreoptions]

This is such a horrible disease.  My recently diagnosed foster ds (18) convinced a md/therapist at a top facility for over a year that everything that went really wrong was a result of my parenting style.  We got anew therapist, but it took awhile for him to see the big picture. pwBPD often only keep a therapist until that therapist starts to get a clue, but this one is very good.  I actually engineered a scenario that I knew would enrage my son, causing him to totally explode in rage in a crowded reception area in front of his therapist.  The therapist said he was extremely glad it had happened.

There is nothing more frustrating than being dismissed by "professionals."  Keep up the good fight, treat yourself well, and know that you are doing fantastic work.

[bubby827]

I think DBT starts the 23rd/  I am reading and working in the workbook " Stop Walking on Eggshells"  when I complete this I will read the other book.  I will try to be calm... . but this illness does not promote calmness in the family.  However, My responses have starting to get calmer and softer.  I am just pointing out that she hurt my feelings and then say nothing more... . Maybe one day life will be calm

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Bubby,

It is so hard to stay calm when our kids are in the middle of crisis and acting out and saying all kinds of awful things to us.  I think it's really smart to point out that she hurt your feelings.  That's a great first step.    One of the things I've done was talk to my daughter when she was calm and let her know that I wasn't going to participate in needless arguments.  We love each other so much and I feel awful when we end up yelling at each other. 

I talked about time outs and how when I say I need a time out or she needs a time out that means everything stops.  If I'm going to look at something that she knows will lead to trouble for her (her cell phone messages, the school computer for grades/attendance etc) and she is feeling angry and scared she can ask for a time out.  That means I stop what I'm doing.  The cell phone is left on the table or the computer will not be logged into.  We take a break, wait for calmness and when she's ready we talk about what I'm going to find.  If she takes awhile to be ready then privileges are suspended until we can talk calmly.  I'm here to help, not to lecture needlessly and endlessly.  I make sure to remind her I love her no matter what I will find. 

Privileges are earned by behavior.  She can use her cell phone/computer if she is respectful and is going to school.  It's ok to have accountability for bad behavior/language.  Sometimes you have to set out those rules in order to get the behavior we need. 

[qcarolr]

crazedmcrazymom,

This makes a lot of sense to me. I struggle to sit in the middle, which makes my responses to DD27 really inconsistent. I am kind of beyond really directly impacting her behaviors with boundaries like this on a daily basis. Yet I can express some expectations for her to continue to receive the financial support we can offer.

I have been feeling a lot of anger on top of disappointment and discouragement with her lack of connection with her probation program. Plus too many friends at her lodging getting her evicted twice now. She asked for smokes today, and I said no the gave her all my concerns over the phone. She called really to ask for some emotional support - I realize this after the probation officer called me this evening about financial support for a more structured program. I hope DD shows up tomorrow with an open mind and heart. She may be offered a 30 day dual-dx residential program while still being in the day probation program.

Always worry she will use my arguing as an excuse to not participate - a common pattern with her. I ended up hanging up on her when she started the name calling. And actually I did this in a very calm, matter of fact way. At least I ended the call in a better way.

qcr

[bubby827]

my psychiatrist recommended the book and work book.  My daughter is 17 and I have struggled with anger and just not wanting to be around her which makes me feel incredible guilty.  My Psychiatrist gave me some klonopin to help keep me calm.  I do find it is helping and I am able to just walk away and say look you are hurting my feelings and I have done nothing to you lets talk when you are feeling better. 

I never thought I would not want to be around my own child but there are days * * I make plans to do other things and let my husband deal with ** However she is never as bad to him as she is to me or her brother.  This is so frustrating.