Key concerns with giving it another try

[Obibens]

So I’ve been feeling that I’m at the end of my rope with this, even to the point that I’ve had a conversation with my high-functioning uBPDw about trying a separation.  But I’m posting here because there is a part of me that wouldn’t let this go unless I’ve tried my absolute all.  I think my biggest concerns are these:

1)   Resentment –  I am carrying way to much of it right now.  For the most part, I just don’t like being around my spouse.  I dread going home from work, try to find things to do on my own or at with the kids.  But they are older (17, 13), so hanging with dad isn’t all that fun.  

  And quite honestly, I really have no interested in being intimate with her for the most part.  I know if I’m going to stay I have to let go of this to feel the romantic part of the loving relationship.

2)   Love – I don’t know if I ‘love’ her anymore, mostly because of #1.  But I do care for her and her well-being.   I want her to be happy and successful in life, with or without me.  Maybe that’s not a good sign for splitting up, since it would be difficult to go NC.

3)   Empty Nest – My kids are older and one is out of the house already.  In a few years, I won’t have them around as the driving force as to why I’m sticking it out.  I know there are other reasons, but this is a big one for me.

So those are my big 3 concerns.  I understand that I’m not going to get #2 until I tackle #1.  So my question is what advice to you have to let go of resentment while staying with someone you know won’t be working on their issues anytime soon (if ever)?  I've read a lot of advice about handling resentment, but is seems to be targeted at someone that already left or someone that was staying with a spouse that was already in treatment.  I know there are no guarantees with treatment, but there seems to be a least of measure of hope and some recognition that they are a part of the problem.  That seems to be a big old roadblock for me in letting go of some of my resentment.

For those of you with older kids that stayed – was there a big transition with the ‘empty nest’ phase?  Right now the thought of it just being the two of us is unnerving.

Thanks for any feedback!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[an0ught]

Hi Obibens,

with the kids out of the home life changes one way or another. So making some changes now makes sense when you can focus and are less afraid of upsetting the way it used to be.

1)   Resentment –  I am carrying way to much of it right now.  For the most part, I just don’t like being around my spouse.  I dread going home from work, try to find things to do on my own or at with the kids.  But they are older (17, 13), so hanging with dad isn’t all that fun.  grin

  And quite honestly, I really have no interested in being intimate with her for the most part.  I know if I’m going to stay I have to let go of this to feel the romantic part of the loving relationship.

It is certainly not healthy to dread going home. At work we are integrated into a working social fabric and have the validation we need. We are respected and are managing well. Such a contrast with home life. Dread is a sign of feeling out of control and fear which would indicate that not sufficient boundaries are in place for you to feel o.k. at home. Maybe not happy and warm but sufficiently content that your basic needs are being respected.

One way or another you need to tackle the question of boundaries. Without sufficient respect there can not be meaningful love so 2) is out of reach for the time being.

yes, maxen, " you were more concerned with painting the house than me!"  though I  tired and tried to get her involved.  no matter.  it wasn't meeting her needs.  what about the needs of our household?  childish.

Had to laugh at that one.  My favorite was when I came home from work for lunch JUST to talk to her about something else I had 'done'.  I told her at the beginning - I have a meeting at 1:30.  I have to leave at 1.  Of course, an hour later I hear " I can't believe you would choose your JOB over me. After everything I've done for you!"   Yeah, that silly job that provides 100% of our income. 

Sad part is... . I think I actually stayed and missed that meeting, only to have the same conversation a half hour later.  This time I left mid sentance and made it back for my 2 pm meeting.  See where that initial validation got me?  Nowhere.  Boggles the mind sometime.

Only you walking out here exactly like you said beforehand and her getting mad and going through the extinction bursts will make a difference. Done consistently it probably would make a big difference.