Struggling to finish things once and for all

[Sammamish]

So I've been separated from my uBPDw for 6 months. We are back living in our respective countries with limited contact. The plan was for me to work on myself and get my emotional strength back, hoping she would do the same. She hasn't.  Our last skype call recently was another  argument.  Following her previous violent behaviour and little sign that things have changed for the better, I have refused to go back to live with her.  Plus with no support from her family and no support network for me over there, I would just be isolated again and put my emotional and mental health in jeopardy again.

So, today I got an email from her saying she has had enough of waiting around and wants me to file for divorce. I cannot blame her for this. I can't expect her to wait around for ever hoping for me to return. Its just that I realise that our separation has been little more than "out of sight, out of mind". I have been working on myself, I I am starting to feel healthier within myself but the absence has definitely made my heart grow fonder. And despite all that has happened between us, I still love her.  Even though I know thats probably not enough. Its just so difficult to finish it once and for all and to close the door on the dream life we had planned.

I know I just need to accept that we are no good for each other, and finish it once and for all. But this is the most difficult obstacle to overcome. All the happy memories are coming flooding back. And its making this all so much harder.

Any advice for making that final leap? How sure can you ever be that you are just not right for each other? How do you walk away once and for all? Does that niggling "what if" feeling ever go away?

[fromheeltoheal]

the dream life we had planned  If yours is anything like mine, the dream life you have planned, and the way you think about it, is not the same as the dream life she's thinking about, in fact for mine life was a continual nightmare.  Mine would go along with my ideas, mirror them and assimilate them as her own, parrot them well, but really the underlying goal was to get me hooked emotionally, and continually test that hook, to make sure she had me, could control me, letting her feel better about her complete lack of psychic control and give her a little bit of assurance that I wouldn't leave, although she would never be convinced.

You already know if you can trust her, if she treats you with respect, if you're really getting your needs met, and if you think the relationship will work long term.  You're on the leaving board so I assume no, you don't think it will work.  The things that helped me were to stop communicating with her, since it was all a mindfck at the end, and make a list of all the unacceptable things she did and said, to remind yourself.  We've got strong, mixed feelings towards our borderline, obviously, if it was all bad we'd have left a long time ago; you need to not talk to her and continually focus on the downside long enough to get your feet on the ground and start thinking more rationally about the relationship.  Take care of you!

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Sammamish, it sounds like you've been making strides to conclusion that no matter how much you love your wife, it is not going to work out. There is the love and good times on one hand, but the realization that there is nothing left and nothing for the future on the other hand.

Have you read the article    

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder? In it, outlined are "ten beliefs that can get you stuck" which are:

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by some circumstance or by you

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Do you share any of these ten beliefs?

You already said you can't live with her with the situation as is. You also said that she hasn't worked on herself. So if you got back together what do you expect to be any different from before?

If you want something different for yourself, then you have to do something different yourself. This won't "fix" your emotions, but you seem intelligent enough to realize it is the truth, Sammamish. Hang in there and keep posting. 

[arn131arn]

Sam,

I dreamed and dreamed.  Even after the false allegations of DV, the calls to CPS, the deceit, the cheat, the lies.

I still kept dreaming, Sam.  I still kept on keeping on.  I ALWAYS went back.  I was her rock.  And she took advantage of it each and every time. 

She tried to kill me (not literally), she tried to destroy me.  When I look at that, I know I should have made that decision long ago.  Probably right now where you are.  It gets worse, never better... . but those dreams are strong, they are intoxicating, they are seductive.

Get a DNR in place (a plan) and pull the plug now or do like me and pick up the pieces of this 14 year tragedy and spend the next years of your life cleaning up the wreckage of your past.

Arn

[Sammamish]

Thanks a lot for your replies. I know the dream was just that, a dream. I realise that's all our relationship was founded, a dream, of an ideal relationship that never really existed. It had no proper foundation.

Fromheeltoheal - yes you are right - my wife went through all that, its just been so long since we have been together that I have been choosing to forget all the negative patterns.

learning_curve74 -  I can identify with most of those on the list. I still have much work to do on myself, but my main breakthrough has been my realisation that neither she, nor anyone else holds the key to my happiness. Thanks for the reminder.

arn131arn - Sorry to hear that. I hope you are in a happier place. What is DNR?   My relationship was is 10 years in the making, so I can empathise with you there. It feels like a massive part of my life has been a pipe-dream!