Help Trying to reach legal agreement with ex BPD is driving me crazy

[Kayvee]

Hi there, I'm in the process of trying to come to an agreement with my ex BPD (undiagnosed) to cover visitation of our 15 month old boy and helping with additional expenses not covered by the base child support payments I receive of around $100 per week.

So far I have legal bills at around $4000 and no agreement!

With visitation he has knocked back everything proposed and claims he can only come on a Sunday afternoon.

In the interests of finalising things I have agreed but now he has come back saying he will not agree to supervised visits. I asked for visits supervised by my mother or his parents or any other person  we both agree on given his history with drug addiction and also angry and abusive behaviour (directed at me) that started after the child was born.

I'm really not prepared to compromise on this,  but equally can't sustain legal bills at this level.

He has also said he will not help any more financially. I'm happy to kiss the financial support goodbye for a quiet life even though it leaves a sour taste in my mouth,  but it looks like I will need to keep going anyway due to the supervision.

All advice and tips are welcome.

I honestly just want a peaceful life, no conflict and some regularity to visit days and times for my son so I can have a life.

Thanks!

[Nope]

Hi Kayvee,

The reality is that if he isn't going to sign anything then he isn't going to sign anything. You put an offer on the table and he has not put up a counter offer. You have all the power in this situation because what he doesn't realize is that until he signs something he has to go through you in order to see your little boy. Every. Single. Time. And if you aren't comfortable with something, you can just say "no" to it. It sounds from your other posts that his family may have some decent members so try working with them to make sure you keep the door open for your child to have a good ongoing relationship with them. Any planning with the dad for visits needs to be done over email so that you have a paper trail proving that you do try to work with him on parenting time but it just doesn't always work out due to conflicting schedules or because you are not comfortable with his insistence on unsupervised visitation. You make the rules here. If he doesn't like it then he needs to sign a plan.

I'd even go so far as to say that you gain nothing by pushing this. The sooner he realizes his emotional manipulation and refusal to act get him nowhere the sooner he'll either start pushing to get something signed or lose interest in the game he's playing all together. The longer he drags his feet about mediation the older (and more able to tell you what happens for himself) your son will become. As long as you can maintain a good relationship with his family you shouldn't have too many problems.

Granted my situation is in the States but my SO's BPDex was able to keep my SO from seeing or talking to their two children (age 5 and 6 at the start) for a year and a half simply by refusing to sign a parenting plan and continuously getting continuances to keep the matter from going to court. She finally signed the parenting plan the morning of the court date when it became unavoidable to do so. So again, I promise you that you are not nearly as powerless as you feel.

[ForeverDad]

Nope made some very good points.  One thing about peer support is that you gain objective perspective.  We've been there, done that.  We have a pretty good idea, from past experience, of what generally works and what generally doesn't work.  We're happy to share that insight and pay it forward.

Generally you need a court order to set a basic parenting framework, or else any agreements you two have may as well be written on the sand of a stormy seashore.

Just Sundays may be okay if that's all he wants - don't push him to do more - but they can't be every Sunday.  In the years to come you won't want every weekend tied to a Sunday visit, sometimes you'll be out of town, on vacation, with family, at an event, etc.  That's why courts almost always set weekend visits to an alternate weekend schedule.

Frankly, any pressure to bend your feeling of what is best for you and your child is just that - pressure.  He probably knows that he can be more stubborn and unreasonable than you and expects to outlast you in a battle of wills.  For your sake and your child's sake, don't give in to every demand.  Yes, some aren't as important as others, but overall you need control of your life and parenting, not to be controlled or manipulated and pressured.

[Kayvee]

Thanks Nope and Foreverdad, just what I needed to hear. It is true that I do have more power than I realise in the situation - I think I am just so used to being bullied by this BPD that here I am in the position again. And yes, I was willing to compromise to try to just get an agreement done and so I could not have to deal with him every single week with visits chopping and changing and so I could have a bit of peace and try to move on with my life a little bit.

But ForeverDad you are right, I really didn't want the weekly weekend visits knowing that Courts would normally only grant this on a fortnightly basis.

But you raise a very valid point in that until an agreement is reached the power does reside with me and there is no way I am going to agree to unsupervised visits while my boy is so young. The funny thing is my ex has not had an unsupervised visit in the entire 5 months we have been separated but he has not seen the rods in black and white on a document before and that is what has hit home.

Ultimately I do want court orders Foreverdad as I think BPD needs it in black and white and it will just create official boundaries and let me move on a bit.

But I do get it that it doesn't matter how long until we get to court as meanwhile our son is with me 100% of the time and visits need to be agreed by me.

I am getting worried about the cost and am most likely going to need to refinance a property loan to pay out my credit card which is up there from ex being unemployed for many months, and also to pay for legal bills. The legal bills are so high as BPD ex has not engaged a lawyer, so I have to pay mine to read all of his ridiculous rant emails!

It sucks having financial stress on top of the rest of it but nothing is more important to me than ensuring my sons future so eyes on the prize.

Thanks guys for your advice - it means the world to me. Friends and family just dont understand that a standard text book approach does not apply here!