Adults with BPD Sibs

[Tightrope walker]

I am curious as to how many of us are the older siblings?  I see  from some of the replies that they are the older sibling. Did this set us up to become a rescurer?  My sister is UDBPD and younger than me.  Our family was rough and we grew up with a verbally and physically abusive father.  Since I was 6 years older, I became rescued her and often was the scapegoat for my father's wrath.  My D after several years of treatment, hospitalizations, etc is DBPD. 

   Since then my sister's behavior has become more apparent that she has BPD, although not as severe as my daughter and my sister  functions better.  I have lived my years playing "Smother Brothers": my sister saying mom loved me best.  Recently she has totally enabled a severely addicted son to live in her house and blamed other family members for not showing the same support to him she has.  My therapist has read some of the letters I have received from my sister and strongly feels that BPD may be playing a part in my sister's mental health.

   I felt guilt that I did not show my sibling the same tolerance for her disease that I often displayed towards my D.  Therefore I have attempted to validate her feelings, etc.  I have found out that I will not rescue her anymore or "protect her from the world".  This has caused a large amount of anger from my sister towards me.  When she didn't have any money, I sent money.  She would use it on nonessential items instead of food, etc.  I no longer enable her or feel guilt over this.  I try to show her love and encourage her to see treatment.  I looked up therapists on a sliding scale basis, sent her information, etc.  It is up to her to follow through.

   We will go months or several weeks without talking to each other.  The last time she called me was to tell me her current crisis while I was recouping from surgery that I had that day.  I told her that I really couldn't think clearly and needed to rest.  Of course that was unacceptable to her.

   It is important to me that I keep contact for the sake of her children.  I am the only relative they have outside of our mother.  It is a hard situation to have those we love had BPD, either diagnosed or undiagnosed.

                                                                                Tightrope walker

[livednlearned]

I am curious as to how many of us are the older siblings?  I see  from some of the replies that they are the older sibling. Did this set us up to become a rescurer?  My sister is UDBPD and younger than me.  Our family was rough and we grew up with a verbally and physically abusive father.  Since I was 6 years older, I became rescued her and often was the scapegoat for my father's wrath.  My D after several years of treatment, hospitalizations, etc is DBPD. 

   Since then my sister's behavior has become more apparent that she has BPD, although not as severe as my daughter and my sister  functions better.  I have lived my years playing "Smother Brothers": my sister saying mom loved me best.  Recently she has totally enabled a severely addicted son to live in her house and blamed other family members for not showing the same support to him she has.  My therapist has read some of the letters I have received from my sister and strongly feels that BPD may be playing a part in my sister's mental health.

   I felt guilt that I did not show my sibling the same tolerance for her disease that I often displayed towards my D.  Therefore I have attempted to validate her feelings, etc.  I have found out that I will not rescue her anymore or "protect her from the world".  This has caused a large amount of anger from my sister towards me.  When she didn't have any money, I sent money.  She would use it on nonessential items instead of food, etc.  I no longer enable her or feel guilt over this.  I try to show her love and encourage her to see treatment.  I looked up therapists on a sliding scale basis, sent her information, etc.  It is up to her to follow through.

   We will go months or several weeks without talking to each other.  The last time she called me was to tell me her current crisis while I was recouping from surgery that I had that day.  I told her that I really couldn't think clearly and needed to rest.  Of course that was unacceptable to her.

   It is important to me that I keep contact for the sake of her children.  I am the only relative they have outside of our mother.  It is a hard situation to have those we love had BPD, either diagnosed or undiagnosed.

                                                                                Tightrope walker

That's really interesting. I'm the younger sibling -- but I identify more with older siblings (from normal, functional families). In terms of being more driven, more responsible, more pragmatic. I have friends who are the youngest in their families, and they all seem like the laid-back easy going one in the family, a little bit less driven, I guess?

I am much more of an appeaser though -- I make apologies for abusive behavior (to others, to myself), and I'm more of an enabler than a rescuer. Or at least I was that way. I'm learning to make better decisions.

LnL

[Blondy90]

I am the older sibling and there are quite a few times when I have been a rescuer with my sister but it was more when we were younger. I did try and parent her a lot when my mum was suffering from bad depression and this made it 10x harder to let go of guilt and feelings of responsibility when he behaviour spiralled out of control.

I don't do it so much these days because she lives independently and I don't get as emotionally involved when she's behaving badly so I don't feel that responsibility to rescue her (she has good support from the family and therapists so I know she'll be ok without me getting too involved). However, having said that I am still a major source of her emotional support and I do find myself acting as a bit of a life coach to her in giving her positivity and inspiration to move forward (although I find it hard to take my own advice!). I lend her the odd bit of money here and there if I can afford to not get it back but in all fairness to her she's usually quite good at repaying it and it's never more than about £10.

[Dogwoody]

Tightropewalker has asked about older or younger sibling with BPD.

In my case, it is my sister, younger by two years.

[wkjkek]

I am the older sister, and my younger sister was the one diagnosed with BPD and DPD.

[enough abuse]

NC with uBPD 5year younger sister for 10 months.  Saw a psychologist 4 years ago when her abusive behavior, lie telling and hurtfulness just no longer made sense and all my efforts to resolve it and get help together failed miserably.  Of course I was the favortie, I got everything, she was the hero and peacemaker... . when reality was everything but what she said.  I then was lead to NPD and BPD.  Understanding this we were able to have a decent minimal contact relationship with boundaries for about 3 years.  This winter when my mom got sick things drastically worse.  The abuse to my mother was awful and I have 2 young children and as a mother could not allow my family to be around this.  I also pray for her each day.  I pray for a miracle.  This is my worse nightmare.  I have grieved, I am sad, I get angry and still think I am going to wake up and realize this was a nightmare.  I have good days and bad days.  My heart breaks for my mother. I also had to block my sister from my mother and my texts as the lying and hate texts were out of control.