Mother

[raytamtay3]

As mentioned, my terminally ill 66 year old mother has been living with us for a little of two months now. She is mobile and all but is on oxegan 24/7 and has mental fog. After the first incident with DD taking her Xanax, my mother has been hiding them. As mentioned, last night she couldn't find them, asked DD to help her look which resulted in DD once again stealing 16 of them from her purse. There have been other things that my mother does pertaining to DD that make what DH and I are trying to accomplish very difficult.

I told mother before she came how our house is literally a living hell. But the conditions previouly at her house were so bad, and I wanted to get her out of it so badly, I offered for her to come live with us. Which of course she accepted.

My now terminally ill father, mother's husband, still lives at their house as does my 27 year old niece with her 10 year old son. My sister, niece's mother, finally got the house in good shape cleaning wise and got rid of a very ill dog that was creating a lot of the problems with sanitation in the the home. But the house still is not up to par by even a little. But it's ok for now.

With the recent order from the judge regarding probation requirements, coupled with my mother's inability to think and to always underestimate DD, I talked to her last night about going back to her house until we can get DD placed at the RTC. Which I expect will be sooner than later. My mom started crying! It broke my heart!  :'( I assured her that this didn't have anything to do with her. And in fact she actually helped us by dangling (figuratively speaking) the Xanax in front of DD which resulted in her stealing them, which resulted in her being arrested and which is now resulting in us FINALLY being on the road to getting her the help she so desperately needs. I also told her that I love her being with me. That I love having this extra time with her. Tried to assure her that this is temprorarily but WOW was it hard!  I made my mom cry!  :'(  Anyway, I know I'm doing the right thing. And I will be over at the house as much as I can to keep watch over everything until she comes back. It had to be done.

Mother addimtted to me this morning that this is actually a good thing in that she can help with my father. Which also takes some of the burdon off me too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, that was a tough situation, raytamtay3, and a tough conversation to have... .

It sounds like you did the right thing, and a good job of it, and the outcome was positive.

Good luck with your Mom and your Daughter (and the rest of your family).

You have so very much on your plate right now; hang in there 

[jellibeans]

raytamtay3

Althought tough I think you are doing the right thing and if things don't work out your mother can alway come back to your house. I do think you need to focus on your dd. I am wondering when you mother has left will her behavior change in any way? Have you told her that her gramma is leaving?

Don't give up hope... . your dd is young and things will get better for you all. Without the temptation of drugs so near your dd will do better.

[crazedncrazymom]

I just don't know how you're doing this all right now.  It must be so hard to keep yourself together with everything going on.  I'm just so happy that you finally have some direction.  It must be such a relief to be able to finally see where you're going.

Please take some time to take care of yourself!

-crazed

[raytamtay3]

I'm a firm believer that things happen for reasons. I've proved to myself how strong I am (after being told by my ex for over 20 years that I was basically useless). Although it's probably going to be a fleeting feeling, I feel very empowered today.  

[qcarolr]

hoping you can keep that good feeling going. When is your D to be in rtc? It is a good thing for your sister to be living there with your parents or do you have to help her manage as well? You are doing the hard things in good ways.

It has been hard for me to let go of my DD - the rescuer is very strong in me. Things seem to finally be coming to a place for her to have access to a new direction with people in the probation system that actually care. Then, like you say, things happen for a reason - maybe DD was just not ready to accept help until now -- and she is not admitted to the TRT program yet. (Transitional Residential Treatment program)

qcr

[Thursday]

rtt3

All I can say is 

thursday

[BioAdoptMom3]

Wow, and I thought I was the poster child for the sandwich generation!  You are in such a tough situation.  It is very difficult and stressful to have a parent living with you and I am sure I don't need to even begin to go there with living with a child who has BPD!  I just wanted to empathize a bit   and let you know you are in my prayers  !

[peaceplease]

raytamtay3,

  Two terminally ill parents and a daughter with BPD   God bless you.  I am sorry for all that you are going through.  I am glad that you have a sister to help you.

I am living with my elderly mother and her caregiver.  I could not imagine having two parents with terminal illness.  I have a sister who is there when I ask for her help. 

You are right about how all the circumstances led to your dd getting into rtc.  That is a positive outcome from a sad situation.  I am a believer that things happen for a reason, too. 

And, please remember to take care of yourself.

peaceplease

[raytamtay3]

I mentioned briefly in my other thread that my 27 year old niece who lives at my parent's house with her son basically reamed me out last night for dropping my mother "in her lap". She freaked out on me also when my mom came to live with me. Said she felt abandoned and that I did it behind everyone's backs. My mom wanted to come live with me. It was her choice. Niece has three cats that she does not take care of (liter pan overflowing). She also does not help around the house at all. She sits in her trash littered bedroom all day on the computer. Doesn't even watch her own son. Who by the way has major major anger issues at age 8. He attacked me when he was 6 because I accidently hurt him when I gave him a hug. He drew blood scratching my neck. He also destroyed my sister's Christmas tree this past X-mas while over her house after her cat scratched him for being rough with it.

I tried to explain that I had to get her out of the house because we are in crises with DD. That I can't have her around it and that it's too much temptation for DD with all the meds, etc. But she didn't want to hear any of it. That's when I lost it. I told her she has been living with my parents rent free since she was 12 so it's about time she pays up whether it be caring for them for a little while or what. That's when she told me I'm getting what I deserve from DD. I ended the conversation there.

Her mom, my sister, and she are alike in that they go for the juggler in disagreements. I refuse to do that. DD and ex are like that too. I just can't understand how someone, family for that matter, would purposely want to hurt someone like that with such hurtful hateful words. I've never been like that. Or at least try not to be when I'm pushed over the edge like that. I do restrain myself.

My niece has "issues" too. She was diagnosed bi-polar at age 13. So I know she has stuff going on too. But it just puts so much more on my shoulders when I have enough right now. Words cut me deeply.  Why are people so mean? :'(  

Just venting on this one.

[qcarolr]

Why are people so mean?  They are afraid -- at some level afraid for their very lives. Most often there is no conscious awareness that this is fear. Usually the label is ANGER.

The more I learn here and with other resources and therapy about how our mind-emotions-spirit-physiology are so interconnected, the more awareness I can bring to my reactions. At least the reactions I want to have. Now to get better at putting it all into practice.

What could be the fears that your great-nephew is trying to cope with as a young child (age 8 is still very much a child)?  My gd, that we are raising, is also 8. I have the scratches to show, and some bruises, for her efforts to cope with her fears. Dh and I have learned ways to give her "comfort hugs" when she is in that first impulse to cause harm - a child appropriate restraint hold. She is also mean to our dogs at times, though they run and hide in their fear instead of scratch. We have found a routine of meds that is managing one level of her anxiety and ADHD. She is suddenly able to use her words - to tell me the stories of her fears and traumatic experiences. She is suddenly able to open up with her T, after 4 years of playing in the sand box, and share her stories, questions, doubts fears.  And some of them are so hard for me to hear. If you want info on resources for kids with lots of anger, PM me.

It is hard to accept that I have no control over other adults in my life. Their thoughts, beliefs, actions, words... . I am slowly learning that as I change myself and how I respond to others, they sometimes respond differently to me. And sometimes not! Then I can work to radically accept that reality and find other ways to get my needs met, and the needs of others that I am able to help. Their words and actions still hurt, and I am better able to process this pain and move on in my own life.

Sometimes I am the one being mean. I have learned that it is possible to make relationships repairs - when I take responsibility for my mean words or actions. First I had to be aware that I was being the mean one and stop blaming someone else.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Since discovering BPD and some of the traits those inflicted have, I think I do have it on my side of the family. I see it in my sister and my niece. Both have attempted suicide, both project, both go for the juggler in arguments and bring things up from the past. Both had traumas in their lives... .

My sister is from my mother's first marriage. She and my brother share the same father. When my mother's first marriage ended, both kids went with their father because my mom had some struggles on her own she was trying to work through (alcholic). He went straight into a relationship with my mom's bestfriend who had two children from a previous marriage as well. She treated my siblings badly and talked their dad into sending my sister to foster care and he physically abused my brother. I was born at this time but was very young and remained with my mom and am the product of an affair my mother had with her current husband.

So my sister was tossed around from foster home to foster home until my mom regained custody of her when she was 16. So my sister had abandoment issues obviously. My sister had my niece when she was 22. She moved to TX when my niece was 12 and because my niece and her boyfriend didn't get along, my sister sent my niece to live with my parents in NJ. Another abadonment issue.

When I look at this I understand why my sister and my niece behave the way they do. It doesn't excuse it. But I can understand how trauma affects people.