She needs time and space - fear from the "out of sight, out of mind"

[BorisAcusio]

I broke up 3 weeks ago with my uBPDgf of 2 years. It was a really nasty breakup, I quickly went through the devaluation phase, she said horrible things about me and totally destroyed my self esteem. After few days realised that I made a mistake accepted some of the blame and asked for forgivness. After that we met and spent a wonderful night together. She said she needs time and space to work on her own life and that's what I should do, too. I'm out of work right now, so I can't provide her the stability she needs.

If I go totally NC I fear she goes to well know "out of sight, out of mind" BPD state. She did that to her husbend of 12 years and sometimes she has to force herself to care about her daugter because they live apart and only spend two days a week together.

Should I write a few words every week or two, tell her that I still care and when she's ready, she could call me?

P.S: Sorry for my english.

[Surnia]

Hi BorisAcusio

and 

I tend more to give her space and focus on your own situation.

I am not sure if I get your situation right.

You said you mad a mistake, was the mistake the breakup or the way you did it?

[BorisAcusio]

Thanks for the reply. Well, both of it .I left her one week before christmas because I thought I can't bear her behavior anymore. That event was the trigger, it make her splitting. After few days I realised that I'm not yet ready to detach and still love her. That was the mistake, a cruel mistake.

She doesn't want a relationship right now and told me to wait and work on my own issues. It can be 1 month or half year. 

My basic fear is the object consistency issue. As I see, it's quite common among BPDs and she tend to forget/ignore the closest friends and sometimes even her own daughter if they're not around regularly.

[maxsterling]

First philosophy:  Recognize that every human has a right to decide what they want with their own life, and there is nothing you can do about that.  If she wants space, she wants space.  If she chooses to end it permanently, she chooses to end it.  You worried about object constancy and her not thinking about you means you are trying to manipulate the situation, which is exactly what a BPD would do.  She is declaring she wants a space boundary.  If you don't respect that, it will either push her further away, or it won't give her space to heal herself, and she will be back with you in an unhealthy relationship.  I know it hurts, but you have to have faith that she will return to you.  If she doesn't, it wasn't meant to be and you are better off.

Now advice:  If she wants space, give her space, but that doesn't mean you have to go NC and wait for her.  I'd suggest discussing with her times and ways in which to remain in contact.  For example, "I agree we need time and space to work on ourselves.  Perhaps we can get together in two weeks on Saturday for xyz event?"  Making a plan like that will both give her space, and a reason for her to think about you in her future.  And when you are together, you can propose the next get together a week or two after that. The key is to not contact her in between.  No little "how are you doing?" messages.

And some reasoning:  I've noticed my dBPDgf constantly frets over the future if she doesn't know what will happen.  By making a future plan with her, that is giving you a definite event of you in her future for her to plan for.  Without that plan, she may be confused as to when the next time will be.  So with my GF, the anxiety if I wanted to go somewhere on my own is the irrational fear that I will never come back.   

Space IS important for her to be able to help herself.  You may be enabling her bad behavior just by being with her.  In all honestly, I think that is what I am doing with my GF.  She's asking of me, and I am giving, and that is preventing her from facing herself.  In reality, if she truly wants to overcome her depression and life issues, she needs to take some time off to figure her own issues out, not date anyone, live by herself, and come back whole.  She should have done that years ago, because it's not fair to me to be burdened with her baggage.  I think her pattern is to think about doing that, until she gets lonely and wants a man to fill her void, so she finds another boyfriend, leans on him, until he has enough, then she hits bottom, decides she needs a change and comes up with all these plans, only to get lonely again and lean on the next boyfriend.  She's never been able to take time off to work on her own issues.  And if she told me this afternoon that is what she wishes to do, I would have to respect that, because I love her, and I know her happiness is more important than my desire to be with her.  Sure, it would hurt, and I would fear she would never come back, but right now she is miserable, and I know I can't continue being with a miserable person. 

[karma_gal]

Maxsterling took the words right out of my mouth and I could not say it any better.  It is probably not what you wanted to hear but it is what you need to hear. Pushing if she has asked for space is only going to create more issues. Take this time to work on you, reconnect with friends and family and stay busy. If it helps, most do come back after the "I need space" line so you may just have to wait it out.

Max, I hope your GF realizes how lucky she is!

[BorisAcusio]

First philosophy:  Recognize that every human has a right to decide what they want with their own life, and there is nothing you can do about that.  If she wants space, she wants space.  If she chooses to end it permanently, she chooses to end it.  You worried about object constancy and her not thinking about you means you are trying to manipulate the situation, which is exactly what a BPD would do.  She is declaring she wants a space boundary.  If you don't respect that, it will either push her further away, or it won't give her space to heal herself, and she will be back with you in an unhealthy relationship.  I know it hurts, but you have to have faith that she will return to you.  If she doesn't, it wasn't meant to be and you are better off.

Now advice:  If she wants space, give her space, but that doesn't mean you have to go NC and wait for her.  I'd suggest discussing with her times and ways in which to remain in contact.  For example, "I agree we need time and space to work on ourselves.  Perhaps we can get together in two weeks on Saturday for xyz event?" messages.

Thanks for the replies, Max and Karma. My ex just broke NC after 6 days with a silly 'What are you doing right now?" question on Viber, I tried what you suggested, her reaction was the following:

exBPDgf - Sorry, but no. I don't feel like that.

me - What's the matter?

exBPDgf - Nothing, I'm tired but we could talk tomorrow.

So, here we're again. She's cold and don't want to meet me but would like to talk on telephone.

[BorisAcusio]

You worried about object constancy and her not thinking about you means you are trying to manipulate the situation, which is exactly what a BPD would do. 

You're right but with a BPD person, things are quite different. We manipulate the situation when using SET, DEARMAN for communication or to get something done. It's no different with object consistency.