He has not seen the kids in 5 months ... why would he hurt them like this

[awomanlearning]

Ex left in May new love of his life 13 year marriage gone he moved 3 hours away. His visited every weekend in the beginning then middle of July after he brought his girlfriend down and was verbally abusive to me police call etc he did come to see them then he came down for his sons first day of school September 12th stayed an hour *poof gone* That was the last the children saw of him 3 months ago. He Skype's on a Sunday night due the  councillor stating our daughter couldn't handle almost daily contact ( he didn't Skype everyday and if he didn't she never got an explanation)

My question is how do they cut off their own children is this normal behaviour. Yes he Skype's but that isn't real contact iv begged him to come see them more often to which even our daughter got endless excuses. Do they know they are even doing this, that they are causing emotional distress or is this an attempt to hide from their own feelings? or punishing the spouse they blame for the end result.

But mainly do they change calm down see the big picture? and put they children before themselves?

[slimmiller]

Mine has never put the kids first and I dont think she ever will. I wish she would disappear like that... . 

I know ideally the kids would have two parents even if they are not together but if I had my kids solo 24/7 there could at least be some 'normal'  Now we have officail 50/50 which she abuses both ways if I allow and then with boudaries it leads to yet another rage.

Look at it as a new family now that is free of the crazy. When his new 'soulmate' begins to loose her 'luster' he will come soundering back and tear up what ever normal you have established IF you let him.

[momtara]

Well, he may not be able to come to terms with the hurt he caused.  And he is selfish and thinking of his own emotional needs (as someone with the emotional level of a 3 year old would).  I know it's hurtful, but try to at least be thankful that he isn't disruptive to them on a daily basis.

[livednlearned]

Your ex has found a new source of supply  :'(

That's hard when kids are involved. How do you help them process what's happening? What kind of coping skills are you using to help them manage their difficult feelings?

Letting them feel sad, or angry, is as important for their healing process as it is for us. My son's T encouraged me to listen, and validate S12, let him feel what he was feeling, and don't try and make something better with platitudes or trite pick-me-up lines. And to never say, "Your dad loves you" because it might not be true, and kids with BPD parents really need to figure out what's true. They get a lot of invalidation from their BPD parent, so unfortunately, (or fortunately), we have to guide them through validation.

Some BPD dads (in particular) seems to roll in and out of the kids' lives when it suits them, although I think there are some low-functioning BPD moms who are also prone to this. Your ex may appear at some point and want to show his new gf that he's a good dad.

My ex seemed to do everything in his power to alarm the court about his behavior, acted like he cared about visitation, but then rolled over in court, and ended up with 16 hours a month. Then, when S12 goes to see his dad, N/BPDx paints himself as a victim, that I'm a mean mom for preventing them from having a relationship.

Things can be very confusing for the kids -- they don't know who to believe. Validation is helpful for long-term coping because it teaches kids to believe themselves.

[Soulsisters]

They hurt the kids to hurt you... ,,

If you would have asked me if I believed my x could stoop this low about a year ago, I would have laughed.  He alwAys portrayed himself as the "moral-high ground). He is the dad who is all involved for the world to see.  Yet ignores them at home.

He never cares about their mental well being at all.  No dad with moral high ground would alienate the mother ever.   Mine did.  Mine is. 

The kids become a weapon. 

Be strong. 

[Deep Impact]

They care about themselves, that is their goal.

They'll make out to the professionals that they care about the kids - and you don't.

They sing the right tune, but their actions are never congruent with their words.

Providing they don't abuse themselves with drugs or alcohol, BPD's can be very convincing.

It can be a frustrating exercise having them preach on about what's best for the kids.

I think their ego is that big that they just believe that what they want - is what is best for the kids.