How to deal with loaded questions/being told that you are lying?

[Proud_Dad]

Hello BPD family,

Last night I experienced something that occurs in my relationship fairly often. My uBPDgf and I had a great night of playing with the kids, had a nice dinner, and put the kids to bed. I had a feeling something was coming because the evening was quiet... . too quiet. While relaxing together on the couch, out of nowhere she asks me if I still think about porn (I no longer look at porn, but it has been a big issue for 3+ years since she found some old porn links on my laptop from before we were living together). Despite the premonitions I was still caught off guard and was put on the spot to give an answer. I knew that no matter how I answered this question it was going to be "on". I told her that if I think about the subject in general then it is more about how glad I am that I have her in my life and don't have to get satisfaction from myself (if you know what I mean). Again, no right answer... . "so you do think about it then... . you are effing disgusting, you men are all pigs, I can't stand that you were ever into that vile sh.t, you now you are just taking advantage of desperate and broke people... . blah, blah, blah." The "conversation" was a typical one sided dysregulation where I am not even allowed to speak without being completely cut off. She stated many times that she "knows" that I still think about and want porn in my life. She told me that she knows that I am lying and she can always tell when I am lying to her. It ended when I told her that I could see that she still has problems with how I lived my life before we were together (S), I would feel horrible if I felt like I could not trust my partner or if I felt like my partner did not want me (E), and that I love her completely and have been faithful to her in every since of the word (T). Not the perfect execution of SET but hey, I’m not perfect either. This had zero effect on the rage and evil being spewed at me, maybe the fact that she was talking over me while I said it, I don't know.   I then told her that the name calling needed to stop... . it didn't. So I told her what I tell her every time this kind of rage happens... . I do not deserve to be talked to in this manner, I will talk to you about it when we have both calmed down. I then went upstairs and slept in the guest bedroom. YAY!

Is there a better way to handle questions that you know are loaded, and are asked because the pwBPD is looking to start a fight?

By the way, the premonitions of the rage on my part was partly because she has been telling me for the last couple days that her period is killing her  , complaining about ongoing medical issues  , complaining about family  , and stressing about nominal things . All flags that I have identified leading up to a big blow out.

Thanks for reading and for any advise that you can offer.

[Wrongturn1]

Wow, PD, I completely understand where you are coming from with this.  I get catch-22 loaded questions when my uBPDw is looking for a reason to unload on me, so it's familiar territory.

It sounds like you handled the situation about as well as anyone could, so kudos for implementing the tools.  Your version of SET was really pretty good (maybe next time add a statement that you care about her feelings and the relationship in the "S" part), and I did not see anything invalidating there.  Also, I liked the way you walked away when she attempted to continue the abuse.  So really, I don't see anything in your course of action that went wrong.  As you're aware, she has a serious mental illness and will have these episodes occasionally, regardless of what you do.  However, you seemed to handle it in a textbook manner, and I would not be surprised if she gives you a BPD apology later today (i.e., one that includes the word "but" and does not take any responsibility... . it's better than nothing I guess).

I like to experiment, and one time I tried walking away as soon as the loaded question came out of her mouth.  I just threw my hands up and said "I won't be pulled into this!" as I walked briskly out the door.  That came across as invalidating and resulted in more of a dysregulation than would have happened otherwise. 

So I haven't really found anything better than your strategy, although some people might suggest that instead of answering the question directly, you try to focus on the emotion and ask clarifying questions, maybe along the lines of "you sound upset - did something happen that made you think about porn?"

[maxsterling]

I admit, I chuckled when I read your post.  I get these kinds of questions all the time.  I call them "validation" questions because what she is after is validation. 

last night is was "do you still love me?"  I responded by saying "yes, I love you" to which she responded.  "Oh. for some reason I thought you might have changed your mind today."

I think that is what is going through the pwBPD's brain.  They sit and think about the r/s, can't find any validation or evidence on their own that the r/s is going to continue, or that it is healthy, and then ask you for validation.

The problem is, if you give an answer that is not what they expected, even if it is truthful, look out!

The questions I get often:

"do you think I am too needy (dependent, enmeshed, etc)?" 

"do you ever think you want to be with another woman?"

"do you still enjoy sleeping with me, or do you sometimes want to sleep alone?"

"are you still attracted to me, even though I am fat?"

"do you still masturbate?"

"am I a bad girlfriend?"

I really don't think it is fair to be asked those questions.  When I hear them, it makes me feel insecure about the relationship, because 1) it shows a lack of trust and 2) there may be a projection element to the questions.  I'm not sure how to handle them.  But the other day when she asked if I thought she was too dependent upon me, I replied, "yes, right now, but I know you are working on that."  The truth?  Hell yes she is too dependent on me, and that has been going on for far too long and unless it changes soon I don't think I can continue with the relationship.  But if I replied like that, it would have been met with either rage, anger, or a threat of suicide.

[Proud_Dad]

Wrongturn1,

I'm sorry to hear that you go through this hell as often as I do. I can't tell you how muvh I hate this senario, it is frustrating beynd belief. I agree that maybe I need to focus on the core issue adn validate her feelings from the get go.


Maxsterling,

Again, Im sorry that we have this common thread, it is not a good feeling when you can see the train coming but can't seem to move out of the way fast enough. I too  tend to give half truths to these questions as I know that if I were to truly express my feelings the S would hit the fan faster than you could blink an eye.

I can fully recognise that this is not a healthy way to have a relationship with someone. I feel like every time something like this happens and I simpley put myself aside in order to avoid an all out ___ storm a little piece of me dies... .

[rj47]

I'm sorry PD... . you got to laugh sometimes about these things (beats crying). With increasing age, my BPDw has developed a very high libido (part of my co-dependency?) that I have eagerly adapted to. Four months ago she subscribed to a porno site (saying it was for me). Porn has never been of much interest. Nevertheless, I genuinely enjoyed watching it with her a few times. Before terminating the subscription I downloaded several videos of her preferred female performer to my laptop for the future. Last Sunday I opened it on my computer for fun as she was curled up on the couch with me. Now; I'm accused of being a serial porn watcher (for years even!) and cannot be trusted due to my attraction to "sexually talented well proportioned mature brunette women" (by her choice). Again, you got to laugh about some things they do.

I have no easy answer. But in my case mirroring her behavior with an equal amount of (controlled) shouting, stomping and accusing of my own worked in that situation. She backed off after I opened her tablet found multiple downloads of the same performer and a "freak of nature" male performer (perhaps I should be worried).

Your situation is different. At some level your argument (overused as it might be in the arsenal of male excuses) that she filled that void should offer her some comfort. But; we know otherwise. You're likely to just roll with it and deflect/respond with validation, understanding and acceptance until she's exhausted herself. I know; maybe not the best advice... . but I am willing to bet that's what most of us do 98-100% of the time.

[hergestridge]

She's just picking a fight. That you even elaborate beyond that is part of the problem.

You are being attacked. She just makes it look like you deserve it.

[Kabooma]

She's just picking a fight. That you even elaborate beyond that is part of the problem.

You are being attacked. She just makes it look like you deserve it.

Hate to say it but I agree with this.  I also see these coming a mile away, and no matter how hard I try to steer the day or night into perfection, the singular thread of a bad moment she will seize upon to release her unrelenting rage, blame, and projections.  There's no avoiding it once you "feel" it coming, it seems.