HE doesn't trust ME? Really?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been gone for a few days fighting off some nasty flu virus and taking care of my son who has it, too.  In between all this, though, I had to deal with my car again.  I just picked it up from the dealer last week, and within four days the check engine light came back on.  This time, before going back to the dealer, I stopped to see my "little things" mechanic to see if he could put the meter on it and tell me what it said before going back to the dealer.  Turns out the code is still the original one thrown that the dealer told me wasn't the problem but that I needed a new computer.  Well, I needed that sensor and just had it put on tonight.  Which leads me to... .

So this local mechanic is somewhat new to us (we have used him for the last year), referred to us by some friends.  He has been great to use for smaller things that need done on my car that don't require genuine Lexus parts or something major that I would definitely want a warranty on.  I stopped by there the other night for him to take a look at it and then tonight for him to install the new sensor. 

The first night I was there for about two hours.  I hadn't seen him since earlier this summer and we were just catching up as we talked about my car, the problems I had had, et cetera.  The mechanic is older than my parents and, um, not exactly a hot piece of man candy.  During the first hour I was there, my H called me EIGHT times to see why I wasn't done yet.  I turned my phone off after that.  He has been on night shift for two months now and has not called me a single time, but this night he had to call eight times?  He was livid that I spent "two hours hanging out with another man."  Really?  Yeah, he was serious, and the silent treatment has followed for the past two days.

Anyway, the part came in today and I had to run my car back over there.  The mechanic put the part in and asked me if I wanted to come in for a beer when he was done.  I said sure, and we started gabbing.  Turned out he got divorced after his wife was diagnosed BPD, and so we chatted some about similar behaviors in our spouses.  Kind of like being here, we could've switched spouses and lived the same life the behaviors were so similar.   Anyway, H called four times, beyond pissed off that I had a beer at this guy's house -- we have had beers with this guy a dozen times before so not really that odd -- and stayed longer than it took him to actually put the part in.  He says he can't figure out what in the world I would need or find to talk to the mechanic about, and that I need to be at home working, not gallivanting around town with some other guy.  I didn't know his kitchen constituted gallivanting around town, but I'm used to distortions, so okay.  Now, he says he can't trust me when I'm out of his sight and I'll just have to make future appointments for when he can be there.  Um, yeah, I'm not okay with that.  I don't need a baby sitter and I think it's ridiculous that he's making this such a big deal. 

The point of all this is, my H is the one who runs off at every turn, staying gone for days, weeks, months on end; has been caught in more lies than I could tell in a lifetime; and it's very probable that during at least one of his rages where he left he has cheated on me.  I have never cheated on him, have never been caught doing anything I wasn't supposed to be doing, and I think he's completely out of line here at how big of a deal he is making over this.  As I said, the mechanic is 60, not hot, and there would be no reason for anyone to think anything out of line was going on.  It's ludicrous to even go there. 

So do we think he's just looking for a reason to rage, or is he projecting, or is he just... . being him?  Because I'm really not okay with being raged at, then ignored, then raged at, and fielding over a dozen phone calls already over something silly.  He is acting like I was caught red-handed with another guy, and that's just not the case.  But this is what he does every single time I am away from the house without him -- he blows my phone up, gives me the third degree on what I was "really doing" -- because I guess in his mind it's not possible that I am really doing what I said I was doing -- and it turns into a giant issue.  We're getting ready to enter the weekend and I cannot deal with this for three days solid, him not having to work and do nothing but accuse me of something I didn't do. 

I am getting really fed up with not being "allowed" out of his sight for fear of another rage when I am not doing anything wrong.  I have never raged at him when he throws his fits and leaves and is actually doing something "wrong."  This just feels slimy to me.   

[karma_gal]

I have been gone for a few days fighting off some nasty flu virus and taking care of my son who has it, too.  In between all this, though, I had to deal with my car again.  I just picked it up from the dealer last week, and within four days the check engine light came back on.  This time, before going back to the dealer, I stopped to see my "little things" mechanic to see if he could put the meter on it and tell me what it said before going back to the dealer.  Turns out the code is still the original one thrown that the dealer told me wasn't the problem but that I needed a new computer.  Well, I needed that sensor and just had it put on tonight.  Which leads me to... .

So this local mechanic is somewhat new to us (we have used him for the last year), referred to us by some friends.  He has been great to use for smaller things that need done on my car that don't require genuine Lexus parts or something major that I would definitely want a warranty on.  I stopped by there the other night for him to take a look at it and then tonight for him to install the new sensor. 

The first night I was there for about two hours.  I hadn't seen him since earlier this summer and we were just catching up as we talked about my car, the problems I had had, et cetera.  The mechanic is older than my parents and, um, not exactly a hot piece of man candy.  During the first hour I was there, my H called me EIGHT times to see why I wasn't done yet.  I turned my phone off after that.  He has been on night shift for two months now and has not called me a single time, but this night he had to call eight times?  He was livid that I spent "two hours hanging out with another man."  Really?  Yeah, he was serious, and the silent treatment has followed for the past two days.

Anyway, the part came in today and I had to run my car back over there.  The mechanic put the part in and asked me if I wanted to come in for a beer when he was done.  I said sure, and we started gabbing.  Turned out he got divorced after his wife was diagnosed BPD, and so we chatted some about similar behaviors in our spouses.  Kind of like being here, we could've switched spouses and lived the same life the behaviors were so similar.   Anyway, H called four times, beyond pissed off that I had a beer at this guy's house -- we have had beers with this guy a dozen times before so not really that odd -- and stayed longer than it took him to actually put the part in.  He says he can't figure out what in the world I would need or find to talk to the mechanic about, and that I need to be at home working, not gallivanting around town with some other guy.  I didn't know his kitchen constituted gallivanting around town, but I'm used to distortions, so okay.  Now, he says he can't trust me when I'm out of his sight and I'll just have to make future appointments for when he can be there.  Um, yeah, I'm not okay with that.  I don't need a baby sitter and I think it's ridiculous that he's making this such a big deal. 

The point of all this is, my H is the one who runs off at every turn, staying gone for days, weeks, months on end; has been caught in more lies than I could tell in a lifetime; and it's very probable that during at least one of his rages where he left he has cheated on me.  I have never cheated on him, have never been caught doing anything I wasn't supposed to be doing, and I think he's completely out of line here at how big of a deal he is making over this.  As I said, the mechanic is 60, not hot, and there would be no reason for anyone to think anything out of line was going on.  It's ludicrous to even go there. 

So do we think he's just looking for a reason to rage, or is he projecting, or is he just... . being him?  Because I'm really not okay with being raged at, then ignored, then raged at, and fielding over a dozen phone calls already over something silly.  He is acting like I was caught red-handed with another guy, and that's just not the case.  But this is what he does every single time I am away from the house without him -- he blows my phone up, gives me the third degree on what I was "really doing" -- because I guess in his mind it's not possible that I am really doing what I said I was doing -- and it turns into a giant issue.  We're getting ready to enter the weekend and I cannot deal with this for three days solid, him not having to work and do nothing but accuse me of something I didn't do. 

I am getting really fed up with not being "allowed" out of his sight for fear of another rage when I am not doing anything wrong.  I have never raged at him when he throws his fits and leaves and is actually doing something "wrong."  This just feels slimy to me.   

[Seneca]

oh, sister girl. last week i had to get groceries on saturday. i NEVER do this because... it sucks, and i am a stay home mom, so i totally go on wednesdays. but this week i had to do saturday because of scheduling. so i tell him friday night, "we have NO food and i hafta go shopping tomorrow. i'm gonna get up super early and avoid the lunatics." i set the alarm for 6, went in my jammies, and was back by 7:15. later that day the dude accuses me of being "out with someone". exqueeze me? it's effing 6 AM - who would i be having an affair with? the paper boy? "well, i didn't know where you were!" hello? you saw me come in with a s&^tload of groceries!

it is THEIR paranoia (possible projection if he has had some action) that makes them do this. follow the thought process with me: (subconscious thought) I am worthless > if she finds out she'll leave me > she probably already knows and is planning for it > i have to find evidence to support this abandonment or my scary feelings are caused by me > my scary feelings can't be caused by me because then i am a bad guy > if i am a bad guy no one will want me > wow, i am going to be abandoned. 

it is this horrible circle that all revolves around a fear of being left and a chronic emptiness/ worthless feeling inside. that is the root of all the maladaptive behaviors.

there is no way around this while being fair to yourself. so what i do is to do whatever the hell i want (take a walk, meet a girlfriend for lunch), clearly communicate where i am going, with whom and when i'll be back beforehand, and then leave him to do what he will with that info. but if i stop doing reasonable activities because he is scared then i am not living an authentic or fulfilled life.

[karma_gal]

Seneca,

Omg I totally cracked up when I read your reply. These things are so ridiculous but they are dead serious and totally don't realize how incredibly ignorant they sound and look.

I think your breakdown makes total sense and I appreciate you taking the time to do that. I don't know what my problem is but it is like I can't think these days to put things in perspective before flying off and telling him how screwed up he is. I think I am just that close to my breaking point you know?

And I am gonna do what you suggested and do whatever the hell I want. He is working nights again this week and I have plans to had out for happy hour for a few drinks and laughs and normalcy. God how I crave normalcy! He can suck it!

[waverider]

It is a dizzy roundabout ride and as Seneca points out, all you have to do is stop watching it. If you do that believe me you won't even see half the consequences of not watching, because you are not watching the consequences either.

If he's not talking to you, you can go off and do anything, he can't say anything cos he's not talking to you right?.