she'll always try to control.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She did D1's hair for church today. I.appreciated that... . need to learn. S4 apparently wasnt dressed well enough so she gave me a newer shirt and pants. She commented that she wants people to see beautiful children, not slobs (its not really that kind of place,.not that she would know). Left without drama. We got back half an hour earlier than she expected and she was washing her car. She was obviously annoyed amd commented that she should have washed her car first before other things. No big deal, I took them into the house. Told me what to feed them. Man! This is nothing dramatic, but this low level WoE grates me. High functionimg now, she'll take herself with her. Let the next guy(s) handle it. After she leaves soon,.I'll have the kids until bedtime. Nice. I'm getting used to having them by myself in public. I just pretend I'm a single dad and it helps.

The common theme about all of this? It's All about her. It always was, and always will be.

[Turkish]

She did D1's hair for church today. I.appreciated that... . need to learn. S4 apparently wasnt dressed well enough so she gave me a newer shirt and pants. She commented that she wants people to see beautiful children, not slobs (its not really that kind of place,.not that she would know). Left without drama. We got back half an hour earlier than she expected and she was washing her car. She was obviously annoyed amd commented that she should have washed her car first before other things. No big deal, I took them into the house. Told me what to feed them. Man! This is nothing dramatic, but this low level WoE grates me. High functionimg now, she'll take herself with her. Let the next guy(s) handle it. After she leaves soon,.I'll have the kids until bedtime. Nice. I'm getting used to having them by myself in public. I just pretend I'm a single dad and it helps.

The common theme about all of this? It's All about her. It always was, and always will be.

[Monarch Butterfly]

We were never dressed appropriately in my uBPDh's opinion.  I can relate to that! He would rather get there 30 min late than go with something that wasn't ironed properly.    He also was the last person to get ready. I think that was a control thing in itself (kind of like: you can't leave until I am ready, so you have o wait on me.) I don't think he could survive his own checklist.

I can't wait to be free and do things my way instead going through the military check list before each and every outing!

[seeking balance]

In the grand scheme of BPD, this trait is not so bad... . it if looks good on the outside, it must be ok - right?   

pwBPD really do try their best to fit in... . my mom is this way, so is my ex - the key is not taking it personally and simply let it be what it is.

I'm getting used to having them by myself in public. I just pretend I'm a single dad and it helps.

Is this hard for you Turkish?  I think it would feel a little lonely or sad.

[Murbay]

It's All about her. It always was, and always will be.

My T used those exact same words about my ex. A year of NC and it's still very much the same, email bombardments of control. She can't help herself.

Turkish, it sounds like you have a goal for moving forward and that is admirable. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now and it sounds like you are adjusting to the situation really well.

The comment you made about nothing dramatic is a tough one. Major outbursts take people by shock but it's the little things going on constantly over long periods of time that do wear you down and cause those frustrations.

Monarch Butterfly, your thing about checklists made me smile. Mine used to spend evenings writing hers out, right down to the tiniest detail. You had to abide by it to the letter but if they deviated that was ok.

Turkish, you are going to do just great and I'm really pleased at the positive attitude you have right now.

[Turkish]

In the grand scheme of BPD, this trait is not so bad... . it if looks good on the outside, it must be ok - right?   

pwBPD really do try their best to fit in... . my mom is this way, so is my ex - the key is not taking it personally and simply let it be what it is.

I'm getting used to having them by myself in public. I just pretend I'm a single dad and it helps.

Is this hard for you Turkish?  I think it would feel a little lonely or sad.

Yes, but better. She left, asked me about her clothing, it looked good, matched, etc. She looked so cute, I just wanted to go over and hug her. Then I remembered and snapped myself back. What is hard is when I have the kids on my lap reading, and she leans over, says "I love you" and kisses each one of them, inches from my face. I hate that, but only two more weeks... . D1 was crying when she went out the door. Spending the afternoon with her friends. I have no friends who would not welcome one or both of the kids. That's another difference between us.

It's a sunny day. We'll go to a few stores to get supplies, then maybe to the park if D1 doesn't fall asleep. Then a normal afternoon. She may or may not make it back before I put them to sleep. At least she has tomorrow off and will spend all day with them. They need it.

MB- it wasn't that bad, but kind of, worse with two little kids. Of course, I did almost everything, but if I missed one thing, she'd get mad... . even though I was doing all of the work while she took forever to get ready. I'd say 75% of the time I did the kid prep. Sometimes like this morning, I'd have to redo it. Last week, she wanted to take a shower before she did D1's hair, since we weren't leaving for almost half an hour. I convinced her to do the hair first, she sighed and said ok. We ended up leaving 10 mins late. Where was time for that shower again? That didn't bug me, but I learned to pad everything time-wise. It was almost always she that made us late for things, then she would take it out on me. Sometimes the WoE, sometimes blatant anger, occasionally just short of yelling. And she wondered why I didn't want to go out and do things with her? 8/10 times it was a drama, even something as simple as going to the mall. It kind of got better after a while. Leaving aside the last year of exponential decay of the r/s, she did become more calm due to my stability. My friends saw it, so did my mom who didn't even hang out with us much. Hopefully she will take some of that maturity with her, or at least remember it.

Murbay- it is like death from a thousand cuts, no? Unless one is really close to them, they don't see it. And of course we nons are the bad guys. No one gets it. Thankfully, enough of my friends saw it that they totally believe me. Nothing I never told them before shocks them in the least.

Ok, off to do dad stuff.

[Clearmind]

Honestly speaking my ex and I both tried to control one another. For the cycle of conflict to stop I hopped off the control band wagon and ended up walking away from him, the relationship and his issues - starting concentrating on mine. It has taken a good 2 years to really relinquish the control I felt I had to have over others - because I feared vulnerability - a lot of FOO stuff to process.

One way to reframe this is that she will have her own ideas about what she values and you have yours - its pretty clear the two don't meet. While you are still under the one roof Turkish it may help to put some communication tools in place - for your sake and the kids.

[seeking balance]

What is hard is when I have the kids on my lap reading, and she leans over, says "I love you" and kisses each one of them, inches from my face. I hate that, but only two more weeks... .

I imagine that would be hard - when you do have your own space and a physical boundary, that should help with these uncomfortable situations.

Hang in there!

[Turkish]

Honestly speaking my ex and I both tried to control one another. For the cycle of conflict to stop I hopped off the control band wagon and ended up walking away from him, the relationship and his issues - starting concentrating on mine. It has taken a good 2 years to really relinquish the control I felt I had to have over others - because I feared vulnerability - a lot of FOO stuff to process.

One way to reframe this is that she will have her own ideas about what she values and you have yours - its pretty clear the two don't meet. While you are still under the one roof Turkish it may help to put some communication tools in place - for your sake and the kids.

she always appreciated the freedom I gave her.  Of course,  giving her too much freedom in the end was abandonment.  she comes from a  culture where the men control the women and do whatever they want.  Then she became a male version of that, a  weird mirroring if her father who is likely BPD,  though from a cultural standpoint,  that's an ethnocentric viewpoint.