trouble with a tough decision. WWYD?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

this is kind of unrelated to BPD. you all know my story - i have young kids, staying in the r/s for them, ended the emotional and physical part of the r/s until he gets help and makes MAJOR progress, or one of us leaves. here is my current scenario and question:

I have been out of the work force to care for our children for 9 years. I have NO college education, and held various skilled labor positions prior to our children being born. I write freelance from home part time and make less than a pittance at it, mainly because I am a creative and not terribly interested in marketing myself (which is more than 75% of the job).

I do not envision a scenario where we wind up together, whether that be in 6 months or ten years. I will walk away with a decent settlement, but certainly not enough to live on. I could ask for alimony, but it hurts my pride to think of it. I cannot imagine being able to support myself and children at this point. SO, I am thinking about college. I haven't sat in a classroom for 15 years!

What I am interested in pursuing is a growing, steady and in demand career path (no, I am not going to study philosophy or liberal arts!) that pays very well. My question is, should I start preparing for the inevitable now and go to school, and deal with all the bad triggers this brings up in him, AND cheat my kids by being a full time student, having less time to devote to them? OR should I wait until it is over and absolutely have to do something? what would you do - start preparing now, or wait?

[Seneca]

this is kind of unrelated to BPD. you all know my story - i have young kids, staying in the r/s for them, ended the emotional and physical part of the r/s until he gets help and makes MAJOR progress, or one of us leaves. here is my current scenario and question:

I have been out of the work force to care for our children for 9 years. I have NO college education, and held various skilled labor positions prior to our children being born. I write freelance from home part time and make less than a pittance at it, mainly because I am a creative and not terribly interested in marketing myself (which is more than 75% of the job).

I do not envision a scenario where we wind up together, whether that be in 6 months or ten years. I will walk away with a decent settlement, but certainly not enough to live on. I could ask for alimony, but it hurts my pride to think of it. I cannot imagine being able to support myself and children at this point. SO, I am thinking about college. I haven't sat in a classroom for 15 years!

What I am interested in pursuing is a growing, steady and in demand career path (no, I am not going to study philosophy or liberal arts!) that pays very well. My question is, should I start preparing for the inevitable now and go to school, and deal with all the bad triggers this brings up in him, AND cheat my kids by being a full time student, having less time to devote to them? OR should I wait until it is over and absolutely have to do something? what would you do - start preparing now, or wait?

[GreenMango]

Personally I would start preparing. But you seem a little scared.   Starting new stuff can be scary.

Sometimes talking about those fears makes them less scary and you can find different perspectives you may not have seen before.

So if I can ask what are those fears and worst case scenarios?   And what are the positive outcomes too?

[Seneca]

fears:

- i can't do it (not smart enough) i know this is nonsense, but no one said fears are rational

- i can't do it (can't commit) a bit more realistic. i have struggled with sticking to things in the past

- it will hurt my kids by taking all of my attention away from them

- it will make my H totally nuts. what if he leaves? i don't WANT him to leave, at least not for another few years, our girls need him so much. i can't overstate how much they love him, and how present and great of a dad he can be

- what if i HATE the career path i choose and i am miserable for the rest of my life? 

[GreenMango]

fears:

- i can't do it (not smart enough) i know this is nonsense, but no one said fears are rational

I call bs on this too but you are right they don't have be rational.     so you might fail what's the worst that would happen?  You could succeed too. 

- i can't do it (can't commit) a bit more realistic. i have struggled with sticking to things in the past

Knowing what you are getting into can allay some off these fears.  What do you know about the programs you are looking into?  It's an investment both money and time.  Looking into details doesn't require ccommitting just yet. Career counselors can help suss these out.

- it will hurt my kids by taking all of my attention away from them

- it will make my H totally nuts. what if he leaves? i don't WANT him to leave, at least not for another few years, our girls need him so much. i can't overstate how much they love him, and how present and great of a dad he can be

these are the two that need to have a pros and cons list done after you know more about the program.   If the kids are small yes it could impact time, it also depends on the program.   Part Time, full time, Internet classes from home.

And yes your husband may get threatened. He may leave. You may leave. Being less dependent isn't what's making him crazy. Bpd is making him crazy and letting an unstable mentally ill person lead also puts stress on the stability. Getting yourself to a resilient place could bring more stability to the relationship.

What are you're long term priorities and values? Does personal financial stability weigh heavily?

- what if i HATE the career path i choose and i am miserable for the rest of my life? 

this is why I suggest doing some background.   It's a big choice.   No need to jump into the first thing that pops up.

[Samuel S.]

Preparing now by taking classes is a good idea. I don't know how old your children are. If they are very young, they do have their nap times. In turn, you can take classes then. If they are very young and if you know other moms, perhaps, you can arrange it so that you can take classes and babysit their children when you're at home. It can be a fair, even exchange for all of you. If your children are in school already, perhaps, you can take classes while they are in school. The last option would be take classes online.

No matter how you take classes, it is important for you to take classes now and for your future. It is best to do it now instead of waiting until you finally leave. Then, you need to support yourself and your children, and then, taking classes under these circumstances will definitely be more challenging.

[karma_gal]

Seneca:

I'm kind of in the same boat.  For all intents and purposes, I have not had a "real" job in 12 years.  I have been a freelancer pretty much full-time and have had odds and ends stuff out of the house to do.  At this point, I know my H would flip if I wanted to enter a new degree program, both in terms of time and money, but if anything ever gets decided, either by him or me, I will *need* to get a real job.  Because it's been forever since that's been my situation, and because a years-long degree program isn't possible right now, what I'm doing is spending the next three months doing mini courses and getting certified in things that I can then use as a springboard into a new job, and later, because of tuition reimbursement, a real second career.  

I am taking a bartending course -- quick, easy money according to a friend tending bar now; a phlebotomy and EKG course, each two weeks long, and only $1,000 for both.  I know I can get a job in the hospital with the latter two certifications, and can always use bartending to fill in if I need extra money, and can always do my freelance stuff, too, if I need to.  I'm getting a new certification in my freelance field that will allow me to contract directly with courts so that will triple what I make now.  That way I have four or five potential ways to make income so that I'm never screwed financially.  

Because I'm only making about a $2,000 investment in all of these classes and certifications, and they can all be completed in a short period of time, at four hours a day, my H isn't raising too big of a stink about it.  The time investment is so minimal, too, that I won't be away from home too terribly long and so there doesn't seem to be an issue there.  

Either way, I think you would be better off preparing now just in case.  We all know how volatile these relationships are, and you would be in better shape if you had credentials or education of some kind so that if something happens tomorrow rather than three years from now so that you could support yourself and your kids.  If you are at all interested in the medical field, check into the classes I mentioned.  I mentioned in another thread that a friend told me about the phlebotomy job, will refer me to her hiring manager.  After three months at the hospital, she was offered the opportunity to take a new certification that the hospital is paying for, and when she is done will make $25 an hour... . all that from an initial investment of $600 into the phlebotomy course and in six month's time by the time she is done with the new classes, no college degree required.  

[Seneca]

Thanks for the killer advice everyone. (Except the phlebotomy stuff karma... . yuck! Blah! Needles! Hahaha) but good for you for getting all this great training!

What i am looking into is at least 3 yrs of education, perhaps five (taking internships and waiting lists into account). The first step is to get my AAS in radiographic technology (xray technician) at community college, which is uber cheap and should be quite easy and is a pretty okay job on its own. the second step is to either get a certificate or my bachelors in sonography. It is a really happening career field, and if i get my bachelors and specialize in certain fields i can make near 6 figures. If i just go for the certificate and general ultrasound, i will start around $50,000.

My kids would be 9 and 7 in the fall when i'd start. School full time. The work itself, after i get all done with school, i could do in whatever capacity i choose - part time, overnights, weekends, or a regular 9-5... . Which could totally work until my kids were old enough to be left alone.

I think i do need to get the ball rolling. But i am soo skeered!   especially of math class!

[karma_gal]

Thanks for the killer advice everyone. (Except the phlebotomy stuff karma... . yuck! Blah! Needles! Hahaha) but good for you for getting all this great training!

What i am looking into is at least 3 yrs of education, perhaps five (taking internships and waiting lists into account). The first step is to get my AAS in radiographic technology (xray technician) at community college, which is uber cheap and should be quite easy and is a pretty okay job on its own. the second step is to either get a certificate or my bachelors in sonography. It is a really happening career field, and if i get my bachelors and specialize in certain fields i can make near 6 figures. If i just go for the certificate and general ultrasound, i will start around $50,000.

My kids would be 9 and 7 in the fall when i'd start. School full time. The work itself, after i get all done with school, i could do in whatever capacity i choose - part time, overnights, weekends, or a regular 9-5... . Which could totally work until my kids were old enough to be left alone.

I think i do need to get the ball rolling. But i am soo skeered!   especially of math class!

Do the colleges near you not offer sonography as an associate's program?  Here we can do it in two years.  Might be something to think about if that's what you ultimately want to do, and just skip the rad tech completely. 

That's my plan once I get on with a hospital, actually.  I figure if I get hired on as a phlebotomist, they offer tuition reimbursement and I will use it to take the associate's degree course in diagnostic/vascular sonography.  I have enough student loans from my prior tour in college; I don't want any more so I'm going to go the cheap route! 

Do you know someone who does this now, or have you ever shadowed a sonographer?  If you can do that, I highly recommend it so you can get a feel for it.  I was able to do it with our local children's hospital here for a day, and it was a great learning experience to make sure I really would want to do it all day, every day. 

[MissyM]

There is an inbetween.  I have been taking classes off and on for the last few years to have all of my prerequisites for nursing school.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, there are classes you can take before going full time.   I have 8 year olds, soon to be 9.  I will start nursing school next year, if I do well enough on the entrance exam.  At the treatment facility we just went to, they were adamant that I needed to have Plan A and Plan B.  While it does bother my dBPDh, it is a nonnegotiable for me.  I need to be able to support myself because I don't know if he is going to really stay with all of the therapeutic work he needs to do, which is why I am still on the fence sometimes.  (he was making snide remarks tonight about being BPD, he is really pissed that they have made this diagnosis).

[thicker skin]

Going back to it can be really tough... . A good way of reintroducing yourself to education is to take a short course... . Maths might be a good one for you! Face them demons   Another good one to have up your sleeve is any kind of Word or Excel certificate, just to show that you can use them to prospective employers.

I recently wrote up my CV and it was a great way for me to see what skills I have ( you take them for granted ) and what I might need to present myself as capable.

I wish I'd done it years ago, but due to obvious reasons, it just wasn't possible.

TS 

[Seneca]

Karma, yeah, it's the only show in town. To be fair, it is amazing. 100% of graduates are hired within two months of graduation. And having my BS, while it would take time, would basically ensure that i could work anywhere and never have to compete for a job. The cost of the BS or certificate program is crazy $20,000+  yr. the AS rad tech program, for comparison, costs about $3500 year! So the idea would be to get my AS in rad tech, and then transfer in for two years in the BS program or take the certificate course if i was in more of a rush. We have the money, i'd get enough in a settlement if he left tomorrow, that i could be a full time student for 4 years and keep the show running. But then i'd blow through the nest egg completely.

You guys are so right... . i need to get started now. Even if its something small. If there is a miracle and we are together forever, then we double our income. If not, then he won't be paying alimony for twenty years. It should be a win-win for him. Why do i think he won't see it that way... . ?