First recycle - she's cruel, distant

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

We recycled back after a month of intermezzo. Before that we broke up several times but it only lasted 1-2 days so it was our first full cycle. Long story short, she splitted, I was painted black, devaluated, considered me as the second coming of the devil, 2 weeks silent treatment, needs time and space for herself. After that, she started to call me on the phone just to dump her hit on me about the problems with her boss, her broke and serious gambler friend, every other days she talked 40-50 minutes and never ever asked about me. That should have been a big .

Lately she wanted to spend few days with me. I took her to a theater play she always wanted to see and later a dinner. I live in the outskirts of a big city, pretty far from the center, the whole time she complained about how far we had to travel and she would have picked another restaurant. She acted weird, distant, made cruel little comments, most of them were emasculating in nature, raged in public over literally nothing, never initiated a kiss or hug and the sex was horrible(just do it fast and let me sleep).

In the two years I know her, always felt that she respected me, now I feel like a doormat. Is this common?

[BorisAcusio]

Hi all,

We recycled back after a month of intermezzo. Before that we broke up several times but it only lasted 1-2 days so it was our first full cycle. Long story short, she splitted, I was painted black, devaluated, considered me as the second coming of the devil, 2 weeks silent treatment, needs time and space for herself. After that, she started to call me on the phone just to dump her hit on me about the problems with her boss, her broke and serious gambler friend, every other days she talked 40-50 minutes and never ever asked about me. That should have been a big .

Lately she wanted to spend few days with me. I took her to a theater play she always wanted to see and later a dinner. I live in the outskirts of a big city, pretty far from the center, the whole time she complained about how far we had to travel and she would have picked another restaurant. She acted weird, distant, made cruel little comments, most of them were emasculating in nature, raged in public over literally nothing, never initiated a kiss or hug and the sex was horrible(just do it fast and let me sleep).

In the two years I know her, always felt that she respected me, now I feel like a doormat. Is this common?

[patientandclear]

You're in a no-win situation when it comes to respect.  If you tolerate disrespectful treatment like you're describing, yes, they will lose respect for you.  (My ex used to say I was "naive" for continuing to seek out his company.)

But if you set boundaries about this treatment -- you decline to participate in abusive dynamics (not the same thing as stating you will not accept them -- you have to actually not accept them) -- there will be at least an initial negative reaction.  What happens then varies.  After an extinction burst of resistance to your boundaries, they may accept them and alter some of their behavior because they know there will be consequences they don't want if the behavior continues (though, because their bad feelings are still there, there will almost certainly be other behaviors that emerge manifesting those bad feelings, even if not the thing you set a boundary about).  But if they can find another source of love and affection who doesn't impose those requirements, that might prove more attractive to them, at least for the time being.

They may also be simply unable to tolerate the sense that you have seen ugly aspects of them and may need to stay far away from you because that is too much knowledge and truth, and you've become dangerous.

This is a test you can't pass in any direct way.  If you put up with mistreatment, it will continue.  If you don't, it may result in the end of the r/s, and you can't know that when you make your decision not to put up with it.

There are lots of tools for how you communicate about this on the Staying board, if you want to continue to engage with her.

Good luck.

[Surnia]

Hi Boris

sounds like a unhealthy experience. Feeling like a doormat is such a difficult place.

I agree with you about a  .

What brought you back to a recycle?

[SimplySeattle]

My uBPD wife's behavior is very similar to what you've described. She would be ok for awhile and then disconnect. She would not reciprocate affection or any loving feelings. If she did, it was just because she had to in order to keep the relationship alive (just doing the bare minimum). I did not tolerate her being rude to me and I would address it quickly.

If, for some reason, I did something not to her liking, then I too would get the silent treatment. The longest it went on was around a week and then she could come around and make nice.

This last time, we were sitting in bed and talking about sports. I noticed that she was playing with her wedding ring and I looked down at her finger. When I looked up, she head butted me and said, "What are you doing?" I told her it was not ok to hit me, packed my things, and left. Later, I asked her to continue counseling to address her anger management problems and she said that her heart is too tired. She also told me that she did not intend to hit me, and that she did it unconsciously. In the past, she has also said that if I was not around, then she would not have any problems (at least not with me).

Fast forward one month. We are still barely talking (texting) and I have not seen her in a month. I believe that she has moved on to an easier "target" that has not seen all sides of her and this probably is less stress for her.

So, if I had stayed and talked through this, do you think it would have got better? I don't. I made it clear that it was not ok to be abusive and that she needed to get help, and she made the choice not to. If I had stayed, what would have happened if she had a knife in her hand the next time she had an "unconscious" reaction.

In summary, you have to decide how much abuse (verbal and/or physical) you will accept and how much of it you can safely manage with boundaries. If you do decide to create boundaries, then stick to them and don't waiver at all. They will exploit any perceived weakness and keep pushing more and more.

As patientandclear indicated, you can put up with it, or you can try to set boundaries and possibly loose the relationship (as I just experienced). Life is short to be on the receiving end of BPD.