Very emotional day

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today is my daughters birthday and I haven't been allowed to see her or her sister for almost 2 years. My exgf is does not have BPD but the reasons behind me not seeing my girls was down to my exBPDw, the fear and friction she caused.

My exgf knew something did not sit right. ExBPDw was able to convince me that it was jealousy, however the truth being it was that exgf saw the red flags that I didn't. The key one being the speed that exBPDw wanted to get married, I was with exgf for 10 years and we never got married and this is how the jealousy thing was presented to me.

Although I still saw my girls, it put a strain on our friendship and then without warning, was then stopped from seeing the girls altogether with no explanation. I have always continued to support them financially, consistent 30 minute phonecall with the oldest one on a weekend (youngest is only 4 years old) and I haven't seen her since she was a year old. Fought for my children only for exBPDw to rage because it was taking money away from her and her family and in the end, it felt like control from 2 sides. Being put in a position of choosing between exBPDw and my children, I chose my children and that was the beginning of the end to our marriage. Even pulled back on going through the courts as it was unfair on the children to be forced into something they had no say in and held on to the little contact I did have.

After the split with exBPDw, I was contacted by my exgf asking questions. I explained to her that with all due respect it wasn't something I wanted to discuss with anyone and then realised, she was asking because exBPDw had been in touch. I have remained polite and cordial but was still no closer to seeing my children.

That was until a month ago when exgf sent me an email asking if I wanted to see my children and asking me not to judge her for what she did. It turned out that the entire time, exBPDw had been in contact with exgf, controlling her by feeding her fears and through abuse. She had told her I was well aware and given her permission to do so and that I was going to take the girls away from her. That is why she stopped all contact, because she was afraid of my exBPDw too but never said anything. She acted a s shoulder to cry on for my exBPDw after the marriage ended but over the past year has started to see the truth for herself as she found herself being drawn into that world too.

exBPDw and exMIL copied her in to the nasty e-mails they sent to try and ruin Christmas but in there stated that my NC for the past year was childish and immature and that they demanded answers. All the pieces fell into place for exgf, because up until that point exBPDw had been telling her that me being here was to trick her into letting me see the girls so I could take them from her and then go back to her. It has been a very nasty game and it now seems I wasn't the only person involved in it.

So today, for the first time in the last 2 years I got to spend the afternoon with my girls and it was a very emotional day for all of us. It was a very welcome surprise for birthday girl and for the youngest, it was a very touching and moving experience. Exgf discussed with me that she wasn't going to tell youngest who I was until afterwards and that we would build that up over time. It was like she instinctively knew anyway. She came running up, threw her arms around me and wouldn't let go for the whole afternoon.

I have my daughters back and another part of exBPDw's control over my family has now fallen by the wayside. I have no doubt in my mind that exBPDw will find out about it somehow and I know she won't disappear without a fight. It's not the first time she has done this either, she did the same thing to her ex, only there she is still able to control his sons mother into not allowing him from seeing his child. I'm glad her attempts at doing it to my children has finally backfired on her.

[Murbay]

Today is my daughters birthday and I haven't been allowed to see her or her sister for almost 2 years. My exgf is does not have BPD but the reasons behind me not seeing my girls was down to my exBPDw, the fear and friction she caused.

My exgf knew something did not sit right. ExBPDw was able to convince me that it was jealousy, however the truth being it was that exgf saw the red flags that I didn't. The key one being the speed that exBPDw wanted to get married, I was with exgf for 10 years and we never got married and this is how the jealousy thing was presented to me.

Although I still saw my girls, it put a strain on our friendship and then without warning, was then stopped from seeing the girls altogether with no explanation. I have always continued to support them financially, consistent 30 minute phonecall with the oldest one on a weekend (youngest is only 4 years old) and I haven't seen her since she was a year old. Fought for my children only for exBPDw to rage because it was taking money away from her and her family and in the end, it felt like control from 2 sides. Being put in a position of choosing between exBPDw and my children, I chose my children and that was the beginning of the end to our marriage. Even pulled back on going through the courts as it was unfair on the children to be forced into something they had no say in and held on to the little contact I did have.

After the split with exBPDw, I was contacted by my exgf asking questions. I explained to her that with all due respect it wasn't something I wanted to discuss with anyone and then realised, she was asking because exBPDw had been in touch. I have remained polite and cordial but was still no closer to seeing my children.

That was until a month ago when exgf sent me an email asking if I wanted to see my children and asking me not to judge her for what she did. It turned out that the entire time, exBPDw had been in contact with exgf, controlling her by feeding her fears and through abuse. She had told her I was well aware and given her permission to do so and that I was going to take the girls away from her. That is why she stopped all contact, because she was afraid of my exBPDw too but never said anything. She acted a s shoulder to cry on for my exBPDw after the marriage ended but over the past year has started to see the truth for herself as she found herself being drawn into that world too.

exBPDw and exMIL copied her in to the nasty e-mails they sent to try and ruin Christmas but in there stated that my NC for the past year was childish and immature and that they demanded answers. All the pieces fell into place for exgf, because up until that point exBPDw had been telling her that me being here was to trick her into letting me see the girls so I could take them from her and then go back to her. It has been a very nasty game and it now seems I wasn't the only person involved in it.

So today, for the first time in the last 2 years I got to spend the afternoon with my girls and it was a very emotional day for all of us. It was a very welcome surprise for birthday girl and for the youngest, it was a very touching and moving experience. Exgf discussed with me that she wasn't going to tell youngest who I was until afterwards and that we would build that up over time. It was like she instinctively knew anyway. She came running up, threw her arms around me and wouldn't let go for the whole afternoon.

I have my daughters back and another part of exBPDw's control over my family has now fallen by the wayside. I have no doubt in my mind that exBPDw will find out about it somehow and I know she won't disappear without a fight. It's not the first time she has done this either, she did the same thing to her ex, only there she is still able to control his sons mother into not allowing him from seeing his child. I'm glad her attempts at doing it to my children has finally backfired on her.

[DreamGirl]

Oh Murbay - I am so happy for you.  

I'm sorry that this happened but I hope you aren't too hard on yourself. On your exgf.

My exH and I went thru a similar situation with his girlfriend (at the time) whose struggled with her own "stuff". It was mostly immature jealousy in that she didn't understand that exes can (and it helps to) be friendly when kiddos are involved. She demanded that my ex and I not speak. It really put a strain on our coparenting relationship and while we didn't withhold the kiddos from each other,  it was pretty rough for about a year and a half. I was really mad at him and he was really mad at me.

I just wanted our "normal" back and when his gf exited stage left, we were able to get normal back. We both apologized. We both forgave.

Your little girls need their Daddy.  When do you get to see them again?  

[Free One]

Congratulations! It's always so nice to hear when good things happen. 

[Murbay]

Oh Murbay - I am so happy for you.  

Your little girls need their Daddy.  When do you get to see them again?  

Unfortunately she was playing a game DreamGirl, got an e-mail from her today which made me angry and disappointed.

Today was for the girls to see you and for me to see their reactions after all this time and I didn't mean for you to think it was a start to contact with the girls. It has taken a lot of hard work and effort from me to have the close bond that I do with them.

What made me angry is that it does not take hard work and effort to bond with your children. What angered her yesterday was that she didn't get the reaction she was hoping for to validate herself. She thought the girls wouldn't care or would be standoffish instead of how they both reacted.

I'm really angry that she would use the girls in that way and although it has been 2 years, it hasn't been through want of trying. She is the one who has dictated everything, stopped the contact, dictated when I can and can't call and in her previous e-mail I actually felt sorry for her. I still do feel very sorry for her because she can't be that happy in her life.

Sadly, her idea of bonding has been through control and the eldest retaliates all the time. I bonded with my girls through love, care and attention and although I only got a year with the youngest, the eldest won't let her forget.

2 years ago, the eldest asked me if I would go to her Christmas concert because she had worked hard at it and nobody was going. I was overseas at the time but I flew back for it. I had never seen her look so proud as when she realised I was there. It is one bond that no matter how much my exgf tries to break, won't ever break and yesterday only proved that to her  

She had 2 sons from a previous relationship when I met her and did something similar with them. When she broke the news to the boys that our relationship was over, her eldest called his dad and left home. She did the same thing to them as she is doing to me and the outcome is going to be exactly the same. She has to take responsibility for that and that's another reason I feel badly for her because she doesn't deserve the bad luck she always seems to have but she never understands it's related to her own actions too.

The positives I take out of yesterday is that I got to see my girls and their reactions just went to show the positive influence I have had and still have in their lives.

[momtara]

This made me cry. I hope it keeps up.