Birthday Trouble

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

     So today is my birthday.  My dBPDw's birthday is January 29th.  Last night I presented a gift to my wife.  I made some wooden crates to store mason jars in (we do a lot of home canning).  I built them myself, painted them myself. When I showed them to her she didn't say a word.  I asked her if she like them and she said yes, then went right back to watching a movie.  I went to bed.

     This morning she told me she liked the crates but was unhappy that I had purchased the wood new instead of re-using old wood, and unhappy that I had purchased a nail gun instead of borrowing one.  I felt very unappreciated and unloved.  Then she proceeded to tell my she felt neglected by me, and the conversation quickly spiraled into one of those frustrating circular arguments where everybody involved feels horrible at the end. I started to get frustrated, so I stated that and said ,"I'm leaving.  I'm going to pick up D8.) (She had spent Friday and Saturday night at my wife's mom's house).

     All 3 of us were supposed to go out for dinner tonight, but after this morning and the last what seems like many weeks of dealing with her dysregulation, I don't want to go.  I told her that I don't want to go out to eat with someone who was mean and hurtful to me this morning and yesterday.  She then asked me if I wanted to divorce her.  I responded that I will not ride on the emotional roller coaster any longer.  She said, with a snarky attitude, "Me neither."

     I'm feeling very confused and sad.  I think I handled this situation okay.  I just kind of feel like crying.  I decided to post this in the Undecided board because life has been very difficult for me the last month (or 6 weeks…hard to keep track), and I'm having many thoughts about leaving because she's not seeking any sort of professional help, she still treats me in an emotionally and verbally abusive way, and I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to put up with.

     I've started attending a Codependents Anonymous meeting once a week (about 2 months now) which has helped me tremendously and I have an appointment with our counselor on Tuesday.

Sad and Frustrated today,

Thanks for listening.

[rubyhammer]

Hello,

     So today is my birthday.  My dBPDw's birthday is January 29th.  Last night I presented a gift to my wife.  I made some wooden crates to store mason jars in (we do a lot of home canning).  I built them myself, painted them myself. When I showed them to her she didn't say a word.  I asked her if she like them and she said yes, then went right back to watching a movie.  I went to bed.

     This morning she told me she liked the crates but was unhappy that I had purchased the wood new instead of re-using old wood, and unhappy that I had purchased a nail gun instead of borrowing one.  I felt very unappreciated and unloved.  Then she proceeded to tell my she felt neglected by me, and the conversation quickly spiraled into one of those frustrating circular arguments where everybody involved feels horrible at the end. I started to get frustrated, so I stated that and said ,"I'm leaving.  I'm going to pick up D8.) (She had spent Friday and Saturday night at my wife's mom's house).

     All 3 of us were supposed to go out for dinner tonight, but after this morning and the last what seems like many weeks of dealing with her dysregulation, I don't want to go.  I told her that I don't want to go out to eat with someone who was mean and hurtful to me this morning and yesterday.  She then asked me if I wanted to divorce her.  I responded that I will not ride on the emotional roller coaster any longer.  She said, with a snarky attitude, "Me neither."

     I'm feeling very confused and sad.  I think I handled this situation okay.  I just kind of feel like crying.  I decided to post this in the Undecided board because life has been very difficult for me the last month (or 6 weeks…hard to keep track), and I'm having many thoughts about leaving because she's not seeking any sort of professional help, she still treats me in an emotionally and verbally abusive way, and I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to put up with.

     I've started attending a Codependents Anonymous meeting once a week (about 2 months now) which has helped me tremendously and I have an appointment with our counselor on Tuesday.

Sad and Frustrated today,

Thanks for listening.

[GreenMango]

What a thoughtful gift! I'd be disappointed and sad too.

Listen she's miserable.  Misery loves company.  The mutual misery is enmeshment and can be very validating to a person who needs this type of collusion because if they miserable alone then it's about them and their problem.  If you step out of engaging it the responsibility becomes theirs and they don't have someone else alleviating it for them like a temporary band aid.

Birthdays are notoriously bad triggers for these folks.  It doesn't make it okay though.

Have you read the staying lessons on the tools?  It could help build some barriers to her bad mood.



Maybe also check out the undecided choosing a path lessons.  It can help set some benchmarks on which way to go.

[rubyhammer]

Thank you for the validation, GreenMango!  Much needed and appreciated.

     I was just reading the lesson about enmeshment and I now feel a bit better.  It's difficult for me at times to differentiate what is mine:  feelings, responsibilities, actions, etc.  Today I don't feel as though I did anything wrong or hurtful towards her, even though she told me that my actions "hurt her."  This is her go-to statement.  I ask what it is that I did that hurts her and she replies, "The way you treat me. It just hurts me."

     Anyway, I feel good that I was able to express my feelings about not wanting to spend time with her.  In the past I would have gone out to dinner and then had a bunch of resentment to work through (or hold onto).  And the funny thing is she still would have been pissed at me for my perceived wrongs!

     At least this way I feel that I've acted according to my feelings and wishes.  It's uncomfortable for me, but not nearly as miserable as the way I've felt previously.

Looks like I'll be heading out to dinner with someone else tonight (or just me!).

Thanks!

[Red17]

I'm struggling with the same issues you are & I wish I had some help for you (or me).  Mainly I just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday.  Today is your day & should be about you.  I'm sorry that BPD drama is distracting from that.  So, I hope you do have a nice dinner tonight & enjoy your day as best you can.  Happy Birthday! 

[123Phoebe]

Hi rubyhammer

, it's no fun when our wishes are not met.  I *wish* your wife wanted to relax and enjoy the day with you and the 3 of you could go out for a nice dinner somewhere to celebrate your birthday.

So... .

Sad Birthday, rubyhammer!  :'(

/or/

Happy Birthday, rubyhammer!      

The choice is yours... .  

Think you and your daughter could go somewhere fun to celebrate?

Hope you have a happy day!

[maxsterling]

Oh man, I'm sorry.  Just wanted to say that I can totally relate.  You do something that you are proud of, and they find one thing to fault you over. 

My girlfriend's birthday was a disaster.  And I now realize it would have been a disaster no matter what I did.  And I am sure the same applies here.  Even if you had used recycled wood and borrowed the nail gun, she would have found something else, and the situation would have been no different in the end.

wish I could give you advice on this one... .

[rubyhammer]

Well, my wife and daughter and sister in law went shopping.  I asked my daughter if she wanted to go out to eat with me later and she said no.  I said ok.  They all left.

     I decided to go out to eat by myself and get my favorite cheeseburger.  It was good.

I'm having trouble feeling good about myself today.  My wife said she feels "neglected" by me and even though I know in my heart that I have done everything (and more) that I can in our relationship, and therefore have nothing to feel bad about, there's still a small part of me that wonders if she might be right.  Rationally I know she's wrong.  But emotionally the shame of thinking I can try harder or something is piling up.

     So I'm going to take a bath and relax, then go to bed.

     Maxsterling, I do feel that the situation would have been the same regardless of what I did or didn't do.  I could feel this morning that something was up, something was about to explode.  I tried to validate her by saying she seemed like she was upset and asking if she wanted to talk about anything.  Let she just let me have it.  My mistake was continuing to be in the conversation (even though after about 5 minutes I realized my mistake and left).  It was about 4 minutes and 40 seconds too late. 

Off to the hot relaxing bath!

Thanks!

[123Phoebe]

I decided to go out to eat by myself and get my favorite cheeseburger.  It was good.

So glad you got to enjoy your favorite cheeseburger on your birthday, rubyhammer

Keep being good to you

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Seriously it has never been about anything else but their feelings, took me a long time to understand that we can't change how others feel even though she have been ranting about until I started to believe I was part of it or even the cause. My neighbor, who by the way moved out last year, told me before to put it aside and move on as it isn't worth the agony. I didn't really understand what he meant, but it's somewhat clearer now after trying to get through the FOG. Happy Birthday.

[Kifazes]

Your story sounds so recognizable (sorry if I didn't write that right).

I don't have any real tips & tricks for you, since I myself recently joind the "staying or leaving" board.

But I do know what you're going through... . Like so many others here.

At one time, in the very beginning of my relationship with my BPDbf, I made him a present for when he got home from work. No thank you, no nice words. God, I would have been happy if he didn't say a thing.

Instead he started yelling at me, why I wasn't already started on dinner.

Yup, the whole night (maybe even the whole week) down the drain!

Since then, I've spent 4 of his birthdays with him, and he 4 of mine. And 4 anniversaries.

They all have been hell.

I don't play along anymore though. My birthday was on the 13th of January, and he couldn't ruin it for me. I just didn't ride his rollercoaster, and was happy with who I became, and what I have accomplished in my life. If he feels he needs to bring me down (to his level or something?), that's his problem :-) not mine anymore!


I hope you're doing ok now, and I hope you will find yourself some much deserved you-time! :-)

[rubyhammer]

Thank you everyone for the responses.  It really helps me to feel less crazy!

    I did manage to have a pretty good birthday.  I went over to hang out with 3 friends I haven't seen much over the last few years and had a great time looking at old pictures and talking about normal things.

    Interesting update:  Sunday was my birthday (I've already related those events).  Monday my dBPDw told me she thought it would be best if we didn't talk (except for necessary communications; we live together in the same house).  I agreed to that idea.  Monday night she came and woke me up (I was in bed sleeping) and said, "Can I have a hug?"  I said, "Yeah."  She came and gave me a hug in bed and I hugged her back.  Then she said,  "Can you snuggle me?"  I said, "No.  I'm sleeping."  She got up and left the room.

    Honestly I did not want to snuggle with her after the way she treated me on Sunday, then Monday she told me she didn't want to talk to me, then Monday night (in the middle of the night!) she's asking me to comfort HER.  I find this situation totally ridiculous.  I'm glad I didn't let myself be guilt tripped into doing something that I'm not comfortable with.

    Now Tuesday morning I saw she's really miserable.  I said to her, "So you needed a hug last night, huh?  What's going on with that?"

   Her reply was "What's your definition of upset?"  - This is the point when I knew I was going to have an opportunity to test out my new skills.  

    The conversation quickly turned into a pointless circular argument, a one sided affair.  I stated that I was not able to continue the conversation and I went about the rest of my morning (getting myself and D8 ready for school and work, breakfast, etc.).

    I feel good about how I handled the situation.  I was able to say how I honestly felt, even though she disagreed with me, I didn't yell, I didn't get angry, and most importantly I didn't get sucked into the game.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

[rubyhammer]

Good Morning Everyone!

     

     Today is my dBPDw's birthday.  I gave her the gift I bought for her a few weeks ago, she said thanks, and gave me a hug.  I hugged her back although I felt a little uncomfortable.  Then as I was walking out the door to head to work I told her I hope she has a good birthday (she has a whole slug of things planned for today, none of which involve me, I'm ok with that).

She asked if she could have a hug and I replied, "No, I'm not comfortable with that right now." 

     She said, "That hurts me, but I need to not let that hurt me."

So, two questions:

1)  Has anybody else experienced this situation, where the pwBPD says he/she is "hurt" by my feelings?  In this case I feel that my uncomfortableness is legitimate, and I expressed it in a healthy way.  What causes the pwBPD to grab onto my feeling and flip it like that?

  She hasn't apologized for the way she treated me the last few days.  In fact, she has started acting as if everything is all smiles, told me I'm a sweetheart, etc, etc.  I feel EXTREMELY hesitant to participate in this weird cheeriness.  I can see the cycle spinning.  I know my reactions in the past have caused the cycle to continue so I'd like to do something different this time.

2)  Is it a waste of time to expect the pwBPD to recognize that he/she acted inappropriately and make amends?  Is this part of the black/white thinking?  Does she just go from asking if I want to divorce her straight to feeling like soul mates, and vice versa?

I'm trying hard to understand how my particular situation works, and the role I play.  Please share any similar experiences you may have had, and how you've handled them.

Thanks again, this place is SOO helpful!

[maxsterling]

2)  Is it a waste of time to expect the pwBPD to recognize that he/she acted inappropriately and make amends?  Is this part of the black/white thinking?  Does she just go from asking if I want to divorce her straight to feeling like soul mates, and vice versa.

From my experience, there will never be an amends.  At best, a "BPD" apology, where they recognize their behavior was bad, and apologize for the behavior without acknowledging how much it hurt you.   You feel good about the "apology" at first, then an hour later realize it was all about them.  What really happened was the pw BPD said, "I act that way sometimes, and I really need to work on that."  A true apology would be "I'm sorry I hurt you, I caused this damage, and I want to make it up so that you will trust me again."

My BPD GF has started to apologize for small stuff immediately afterwards.  But it's still a "I'm sorry I acted crazy" kind of apology.  Or she asks me, "did that hurt you?"  And I think, "Hell yes, why do you have to ask - it's obvious it hurt me."  But I never say it, and I should.  Instead I will say, "a little, but it mostly makes me worry about you."

[GreenMango]

Expressing how you are feeling is essential.  You might not get the validation you are looking for from her all the time.  A lot off times it's in how we deliver things and we can can get so used to not communicating for fear of whatever we start to get resentful...   All in all her reaction was pretty good.

What may help is the workshop on validation.  It can be tricky sometimes.  It's in the staying board toolbox of lessons.

From my understanding about what causes the flip is fears of abandonment.  The push pull. And the impulsive emotional reactions. 

I'd hate to tell you"they" don't make amends.  You know your wife best.  Shame is apparent trigger.  Screwin up and admitting can be really difficult for someone who struggles with that black and white thinking.  It's not impossible though.  My experience was sometimes the person doesn't know how.  My guess she knows she's acted harshly and the quick physical affection is how she tries to resolve this. 

Sometimes getting to the point of feeling better can be about focusing on the more productive things in the relationship.  Changing how we handle things, adjusting expectations, learning to pick our battles.

By no means does what I'm saying be you should walk on eggshells.  When you look at the validation workshop and the SET (support empathy truth) does it seem like something might find helpful and want to try?