The things she'll think/say about me now

[UFY]

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading bits and pieces here on and off for a while after reading the 'stop walking on eggshells' book; this is my first post. Even as a reader, though, I've been grateful for this supportive and informative community. I came across this information while I was in the process of leaving my partner and it was enormously helpful - I'd previously been trying to understand what was going on through a regular, rational lens and you can imagine that was getting me precisely nowhere.

My ex partner doesn't have a diagnosis of BPD - I started seeing a therapist when things became really difficult between us, and after some time my therapist suggested that my ex's behaviour was very consistent with the diagnostic criteria for BPD (she would, in my opinion, meet the criteria). I read the eggshells book and wept because it was a story about my life. So, she may or may not have BPD, but BPD is the only framework in which I've been able to make any sense of her behaviour at all. Our relationship certainly showed all the typical things talked about on this site.

Anyway, that's a brief intro. The question I'm hoping you'll have some thoughts on is this: I'm persistently bothered by the thought that my ex (let's call her Sam) thinks terrible things about me, and will say terrible things about me to other people. Of course I'm going through the rest of the process, but this one I can't seem to reason through, and it keeps coming back. 'Sam' is an incredible person. The part of her that is hurting so badly that she sometimes hurts others is buried really deep and, as I'm gathering is common, seems to only come out in a very close relationship and behind closed doors. Everyone who meets her adores her - she's incredibly charming, warm-hearted and a truly wonderful person. She's professionally competent, creatively talented, very hard-working. She's incredibly likeable. You would never imagine her dark side.

I have this problem with the fact that my experience of her may never be 'validated'. Of course my therapist and friends and are convinced that her behaviour is disordered, but for some reason it bothers me that no-one who really knows her (her friends, etc) knows about these behaviours. It bothers me that she thinks I'm a terrible person because I left her (I felt I had no choice) and she believes a bunch of really terrible, completely inaccurate things about me. And it bothers me that, when describing me, her ex, to other people she meets, she'll tell them that I'm awful, and crazy, etc (the same way she described her other exes to me) (yes, one of many warning signs I should have heeded). It feels unfair, and I know it's unfair, and I know it's just how her brain needs to work, and i know there's not a thing i can do about it, but I just can't accept it. I don't know how to make peace with it.

I have no doubt many of you on here have experienced this too... . can you offer any advice?

(we're solidly NC (almost 2 months) and i think she's actually so angry at me that she'll just discard me.)

[UnLuckyLady]

Hey there 

I'm glad you have some here for help.  This is the best place to be for compassion, understanding, and support.

In reference to your question and feelings... . I get it.  Believe me I have felt for a LONG time exactly how you are.  I will never know the reason, and it rips us to the core that the person WE STILL LOVE and is hurting so bad, seemingly hates us.  I still too cannot swallow that pill.

Many on here will tell you that you shouldn't care what she thinks, exactly what my therapist told me just a week ago.  And... . they are all right.  Who gives a s**t what she thinks about you now or is saying about you to others?  She's disordered... . are we really seeking validation from someone who is so incredibly unstable?  Quick answer... . yes.  Logically I know this, but my heart is not having it.  Cannot understand how someone who ADORED every cell in my body now hates me.  I shouldn't care, oh but I do.

It's going to be a long process for us friend.  And it's called acceptance.  I can read all day about radical acceptance and how to overcome how I am feeling, but I think the only thing that is going to change my/our feelings is time.  Time will allow us to come out of the FOG (I'm getting there but very slowly) and see our relationships for what they truly were.

Your ex was and is a genuinely good person deep inside... . and I think down in that purely innocent place of her she loves you.  Many may disagree, and that's ok... it's just what I think. It is the disorder that makes her brain cut you off and demonize you, as if you are the abuser.  It's the saddest part of all to me, and probably to you, that we are the ones that would have stuck by them through therapy and healing, but they either leave us first or make things unbearable so we have no other choice to leave.   

Please know that way way deep down this woman knows that you loved her and was good to her.  It's the BPD that makes her afraid of that.

Keep posting, friend.  This place can save your sanity.   

[UFY]

Unluckylady, you have described exactly my experience and done so beautifully. Thank you. I really appreciate you spending the time to write such a long and insightful reply.

I dearly hope you're right about them knowing, somewhere in their being, how loved they were by us. Certainly I'm coming to the conclusion that the level of disordered behaviour she started exhibiting was really only possible because she felt so very safe and loved, and she was... . but I guess I just worry that because of how much it ultimately hurt her, she'll decide that that closeness and vulnerability, etc, is a terrible thing and just keep people at a manageable distance from now on. I know that she really took a risk with me, and for some time it really seemed to work out... .

You're right about knowing I shouldn't care, it shouldn't matter, etc. I mean I won't even know most of the people she says these things to, we don't move in similar enough circles anymore for it to be a big issue, etc... . and even if we did, I can't control it, so I should let it be water off a duck's back. right? :-) But you're absolutely right about everything else too - this is my LOVE, who thinks these things about me. she was my life partner - she's supposed to be the person who knows me best. She thinks these things because she's hurting in ways i can't even hope to reach - she thinks i hurt her by leaving, but it just became a self-preservation necessity - i just reached 60/40 on needing to look after myself as well as/instead of looking out for her. Maybe even 55/45 - it was only just enough to leave. I still love her enormously - I can't accept the way she was treating me so I can't be with her, but that doesn't mean I've stopped loving her - and I worry she'll never see that. She thinks the love disappeared when I did, but that couldn't be further from the truth. That she thinks I'm an awful, hurtful person when in fact I'm still the same person who always loved her and would do anything (well, within limits i've recently discovered) for her is just gutting. And that she'll tell people I'm crazy or awful just feels so unfair. I guess you're right in that time will fix it - I just feel like time is making its good old progress on all the other 'stuff' associated with this situation, but this one's sticking.

[Dog biscuit]

I have this problem with the fact that my experience of her may never be 'validated'.

I am sure a lot of people can relate to this, and it is hard to accept that the reality of the relationship you've had is not mutually shared with your ex.

I can relate to it. It is something I find myself struggling with on a daily basis.

It takes strength and autonomy to hold on to your own believes and reality, and to find the validation inside yourself. You know what you experienced and felt when the rs took place.

The validation has to come from somewhere deep inside of yourself, and that can be a difficult and lonely task.

But you have to find the closure by yourself.

[Moonie75]

On face value this will sound ridiculous.

DON'T TAKE WHAT THEY SAY PERSONALLY! BECAUSE ITS NOT!

Fact of the matter is, the hate they spill out is projection of their dislikes of themselves. Topped with crap made up of rewriting how things really happened, in order to justify to themselves what they have done/are doing!

It is not about you! It's pointed at you, but coming from them, about them!

Love yourself.