Feel bad text I sent

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We have been broken up three months, in that time I sent letters, a Christmas card, and text if she received my letter ( where in the p.s. ) I asked to at least acknowledge my letter to ease my heart! No response. For months I waited feeling she was just working on herself, or processing, this was before I knew of BPD. I texted  after Christmas asking to be removed from her family phone plan, which only  she could  let me out of. I texted that because she could treat me with such disdain, I was in such pain I had to cut all ties. No response. Last week i made a mistake by finding out she had been on match.com two weeks after our split. I sent another text saying I am under no legal obligation to pay and to release me so I could cut all ties and move on. She responded immediately and said she would do it the next day and apologized for the delay! I told her that night was the last night before the billing cycle restarted and she would have to pay for the whole month if she waited. No response.

Like an idiot last weekend I dug and found out she was talking with multiple men on match and set up a date with a complete stranger at the same time where she would have received my letter I put my heart and soul into. This being  right after the breakup. She still did not release me from the plan like she said she would. I was furious and wrote a note that called her out on everything she did and how sick I thought she was. I didn't send it, but yesterday I sent a text that said: "hey cold and heartless woman. Release me from the phone plan. This is the short and nice version. Trust me you don't want to receive the long version where I say what I really think about you! I want NOTHING to do with you!" I got a call from our provider within the hour. She did not just cut off my line, but allowed me to switch into my own line, which is nice I guess. I know I have no right to care what she does after we are split, and it is nothing compared to what other pwBPDs have done, but I was convinced that she was working on herself etc all that time. To find out that she was already moving on pretty immediately hurt, considering I was still trying to talk to her at the time. All this just shows me what type of person she is and how she deals with the loss of a 2 and a half year relationship. Makes me wonder what others she may have been involved with at the end.

I know it's all pointless but I feel bad for texting her that as it is completely out of my character, but I did accomplish getting my last attachment to her getting severed. It is real now and completely over, I feel bad that the story ends in harsh words from me as there is apart of me that will always want her to apologize for  her cold hearted ness . I know she was cold and heartless to me, why do I feel bad calling a spade a spade, even though I got what I wanted?  It's like I'm recycling again through my many emotions! I guess the real healing can start now, but I feel almost as bad as I did months ago!

[Rebuilding me]

We have been broken up three months, in that time I sent letters, a Christmas card, and text if she received my letter ( where in the p.s. ) I asked to at least acknowledge my letter to ease my heart! No response. For months I waited feeling she was just working on herself, or processing, this was before I knew of BPD. I texted  after Christmas asking to be removed from her family phone plan, which only  she could  let me out of. I texted that because she could treat me with such disdain, I was in such pain I had to cut all ties. No response. Last week i made a mistake by finding out she had been on match.com two weeks after our split. I sent another text saying I am under no legal obligation to pay and to release me so I could cut all ties and move on. She responded immediately and said she would do it the next day and apologized for the delay! I told her that night was the last night before the billing cycle restarted and she would have to pay for the whole month if she waited. No response.

Like an idiot last weekend I dug and found out she was talking with multiple men on match and set up a date with a complete stranger at the same time where she would have received my letter I put my heart and soul into. This being  right after the breakup. She still did not release me from the plan like she said she would. I was furious and wrote a note that called her out on everything she did and how sick I thought she was. I didn't send it, but yesterday I sent a text that said: "hey cold and heartless woman. Release me from the phone plan. This is the short and nice version. Trust me you don't want to receive the long version where I say what I really think about you! I want NOTHING to do with you!" I got a call from our provider within the hour. She did not just cut off my line, but allowed me to switch into my own line, which is nice I guess. I know I have no right to care what she does after we are split, and it is nothing compared to what other pwBPDs have done, but I was convinced that she was working on herself etc all that time. To find out that she was already moving on pretty immediately hurt, considering I was still trying to talk to her at the time. All this just shows me what type of person she is and how she deals with the loss of a 2 and a half year relationship. Makes me wonder what others she may have been involved with at the end.

I know it's all pointless but I feel bad for texting her that as it is completely out of my character, but I did accomplish getting my last attachment to her getting severed. It is real now and completely over, I feel bad that the story ends in harsh words from me as there is apart of me that will always want her to apologize for  her cold hearted ness . I know she was cold and heartless to me, why do I feel bad calling a spade a spade, even though I got what I wanted?  It's like I'm recycling again through my many emotions! I guess the real healing can start now, but I feel almost as bad as I did months ago!

[growing_wings]

Rebuilding me... . now is time to truly begin to rebuild yourself, but by definition, things will get shattered before you can rebuild.

I am sorry you are going through this, we al have been there.

Feel your emotions, fee the sadness of being substituted, NOT replaced (i am irreplaceable... and i am sure you are too).

processing a BU with a BPD is hard, processing the withdrawal we feel from them is harder. Focus on yourself, stop living her life now. I am concentrating in that, i realize that i was too worried about what she would be doing, and hurting like hell everytime i hear something from her which means she is moving on, this hurts but hurts the EGO, not yourself.

Focus on you, SB recommended me the following: Eat well, excercise, take on something new like meditation, feel the pain (secret to healing) and be compassionate with your self.

Clearmind posted this before and i find it very useful, take a look (is free!)

www.live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/event.php

be well and trust, we are all in the same boat. you will come out of this, BETTER and stronger, if you are willing to do the work.

[Pretty Woman]

Rebuilding Me.

  Mine told me they would rather be alone than date me when they left.

Immediately they hooked up with a mutual friend. When that didn't work she was online and still is. This has been since Christmas according to her Match profile (which I saw as I deactivated mine per my T).

They can't be alone. They crave conflict and chaos.

She has finally released your phone plan. Now you need to stop texting. You are not going to change her. You are not going to get her to come around and apologize. If she comes around it's cause she is bored and lonely.

You can't take any of this personally my friend. I hope you know you deserve better.

[seeking balance]

Rebuilding,

Be kind to yourself right now - this is all new and fresh and when we are hurting and lost sometimes we do things that are not "who" we are at our core... . forgive yourself so you can truly rebuild.

I know she was cold and heartless to me, why do I feel bad calling a spade a spade, even though I got what I wanted?  It's like I'm recycling again through my many emotions! I guess the real healing can start now, but I feel almost as bad as I did months ago!

Sometimes guilt is not bad, guilt can help us focus on our own stuff.  I know there were plenty of things I said that were less than charming that made me feel guilty... . that guilt gave me the reality check to change my own behaviors this required me to deal with my own emotions.

Contact - even when we get what we want - can feel like the scab is ripped off, its normal to feel all those emotions... . let yourself, it will pass.

Focus on you, SB recommended me the following: Eat well, excercise, take on something new like meditation, feel the pain (secret to healing) and be compassionate with your self.

Clearmind posted this before and i find it very useful, take a look (is free!)

www.live.soundstrue.com/selfacceptance/event.php

Both of these are true and I did both (so has Clearmind)- not easy at times, but rebuilding ourselves isn't going to be easy, but it does get easier kinda quickly when we do take care of ourselves and it does give us a much more peaceful life.

Peace,

SB

[Rebuilding me]

Thank you for the kind responses. It is all just so unbelievable, but I know I will heal! I just want her out of my head! This site has and will help me get the closure she will never give! Thank you!