50/50 custody

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My lawyer thinks its next to impossible for me to get 50/50 custody of my 10 month old daughter. she says that I would have to wait till she was around 2 yrs old and by then the court will see my ex house as the primary house. what's the best way to achieve 50/50? there are no blatant signs of abuse but she yells and terrorizes her older kids so I want to be able to get my daughter out when she is older. she treats her very good now because she's a baby but as soon as she can talk back I fear trouble will start

[Eco]

My lawyer thinks its next to impossible for me to get 50/50 custody of my 10 month old daughter. she says that I would have to wait till she was around 2 yrs old and by then the court will see my ex house as the primary house. what's the best way to achieve 50/50? there are no blatant signs of abuse but she yells and terrorizes her older kids so I want to be able to get my daughter out when she is older. she treats her very good now because she's a baby but as soon as she can talk back I fear trouble will start

[ForeverDad]

He may tell you it's next to impossible, but will he try?  Is he passive suggesting only what he thinks you can get or what others have gotten in the past?  Or is he simply being honest with you but will be as assertive and proactive as possible?

Meanwhile document major incidents.  I recall when I called CPS (twice before I separated) and told them my then-spouse was ranting and raging and son was wilting and hiding.  I was asked whether she was ranting and raging at our son.  When I replied No I was told to call back when she started ranting and raging at him.  What I learned from that was that mere exposure to conflict and poor behaviors was not seen as 'actionable' in my area.  The key was whether it was directed at him.

It took years but eventually court concluded my ex was behaving badly toward my son.  Know what it was?  Disparagement of father in front of son AND how it impacted him.  My message to you is that you can't be sure precisely what the court will see as actionable - or not - so document a range of behaviors and not just one or two aspects.  Give the court something to use.  Likely that will mean getting Psych Evals or a really meaningful Custody Evaluation.

Essentially you do what you can.  Sitting back and waiting for later is not an assertive strategy.  You may end up waiting for later because of court inaction or typical court policies but the point is that waiting until later shouldn't be your default option.  With high conflict cases inaction is not a winning strategy.

[marbleloser]

This is a lawyer you don't want. Find another one. You want an attorney who knows your goals and fights for them.

Let her prove WHY you shouldn't have 50/50,instead of proving why she shouldn't have primary.

[david]

I listened to my first atty. She went through the motions and collected her money. When I finally realized she was representing herself instead of me I found a new atty. I now know the rules of the game much better and I have a plan. My outlook is I am paying an attorney to do what I think is best for our kids. If he doesn't think my plan makes sense I expect, and he does, tell me that. I also expect him to explain what I do not understand with the law. That is his job. So far this atty is representing me and what I am trying to accomplish. He tells me what he needs and I give it to him. I only communicate with my ex through emails so when he says such and such would be useful and I know I have an email with such and such I give it to him.

If you think 50/50 is the best for your child figure out the reasons why and find an atty that listens and understands. If they tell you you can't win then that just means they don't know how to get what you think is best. If they tell you you can win then have them explain the reasons why. If it makes sense you found your atty. If they explain things over your head then they are blowing smoke up your butt and collecting money from you.

[Matt]

What is your case for 50/50 or more?

What evidence do you have that you are able to care for your daughter, and that your wife isn't?

[DavidWebb]

I was awarded 50/50 of my 5 month old son.  He's 5 yrs now.  It can be done if you can demonstrate stability and the willingness to do the extra things independently to make it work.

Something else to keep in mind... . many of the custody disputes with BPDs take years.  If you ask for 50-50 of a 9 month old and by the time it's settled have a 3 yr old... .

[ForeverDad]

Rather than saying you want 50/50 and likely getting less... .

How about telling the judge, "Based on my spouse's behaviors, I believe I should ask for temporary custody and majority time, however if you decide that's not necessary now then I can work with 50/50 and make a success of parenting."

What's the difference?  Judges generally don't grant all of the requests.  For example, when I filed for divorce I asked for custody and my ex demanded 100% (me supervised) custody, the judge gave her typical temp custody and majority time.  I didn't get what I asked for, she didn't get what she asked for even though it did start out in her favor.  What I'm saying is that if you start with your "fair" percentage of custody and parenting, then you're very likely to get less when the judge may "split the difference".  Negotiation 101:  Ask for a bit more and then maybe the outcome will be liveable.  No one will punish you for asking more and it really might make a difference.

[Eco]

thanks everyone for your input I appreciate it.

What is your case for 50/50 or more?

that I am just as capable of raising my daughter as my ex is and my proof is my 10 yr old son who ive had full custody of since he was 4. I also have a document from my sons councilor saying what a involved and competent parent I am.

why should me and my son get part time with my daughter while my ex and her kids get majority. we are treated like strangers to my daughter rather then her father and brother.

Rather than saying you want 50/50 and likely getting less... .

How about telling the judge, "Based on my spouse's behaviors, I believe I should ask for temporary custody and majority time, however if you decide that's not necessary now then I can work with 50/50 and make a success of parenting."

What's the difference?  Judges generally don't grant all of the requests.  For example, when I filed for divorce I asked for custody and my ex demanded 100% (me supervised) custody, the judge gave her typical temp custody and majority time.  I didn't get what I asked for, she didn't get what she asked for even though it did start out in her favor.  What I'm saying is that if you start with your "fair" percentage of custody and parenting, then you're very likely to get less when the judge may "split the difference".  Negotiation 101:  Ask for a bit more and then maybe the outcome will be liveable.  No one will punish you for asking more and it really might make a difference.

great advice. If my ex was a little more reasonable and not so unbalanced I wouldn't be so worried but im afraid as my daughter gets older my ex will try to alienate her from me. I already have to fight for the little time I get now, and im worried about abuse when she gets older based on the treatment of her other kids