Proposal, or something like that

[Kifazes]

I don't know where he got it from, but suddenly he starts talking about getting married.

I didn't want to lie to him, didn't want to ignore it, and I know if I asked for you guys opinions, you all probably would have said that I shouldn't say to him what I just said.

I was tired of walking on eggshells. So when he asked why I was not excited about getting married, I told him the honest truth.

That I don't want to get married, because I can't handle all of this, let alone an engagement. That he probably would withdraw his proposal several times over the engagement period. And that if I would say yes, and when the day was there, I probably couldn't enjoy my day because I wouldn't even know if he showed up.

And all he said was "you're probably right about that".

They DO know themselves sometimes, I don't believe otherwise :-)

Anyway, at the moment, there's no harm done, and no dysregulation. Although, I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop, cause this will probably mean in a few days/weeks that I don't love him.

But for now, I'm shocked (in a good way) about how this went down, and about how good it felt to be honest :-) And a little giggle, from his answer as well :-)

[maxsterling]

Wow.  You are my hero today.  I wish I had the courage to be 100% honest last night.  I'm getting there, though.  I'm really surprised that he didn't completely melt down.  Hopefully, this will calm down the marriage talk for awhile and you can have peace.

My BPDgf has been on and on about marriage for weeks to the point she is printing up ads for engagement rings and giving them to me.  She's tried manipulating me into marriage by using guilt trip and health insurance needs.  Sunday was a full blown melt down, followed by Monday which she told me she needed to let go of this whole marriage/baby thing, and then yesterday the full blown melt down again regarding marriage. 

What I want to communicate to her is "I will not marry you until you can tell me that you love yourself."  So far, I have managed to say, "I worry that a few days after we get married you will be just as miserable as before and I will feel rejected" and "I don't want you to be any more dependent on me.  Marriage is about mutual support, not about mutual dependence."  She just didn't understand, and then broke down in tears and said, "I have no family, and I just want you to be my family, and I want your family to be my family."  Very truthful and heartbreaking.

[Cipher13]

Just an opinion from someone that is married and was where both of you maxsterling & Kifazes in my relationsip. I saw the same things you are seeing. Yet I didn't know it was BPD or anythign like that. I had not support and figured it was me that was the problem. After all why would she tell me soemthign that wasn't true?  Married 12 years now and I have to say if I knew what you knew now when I was were you were at I wouldn't be dealing with it 12 years later. Now its worse and thank God there are no kids involved becasue that would make it so much worse.

So advice is to say what you need to say. Say it with honesty and without any sort of negative slight. If you can look back at the conversaton and say you were kind sinsere and honest then you can ultimately live with the results. You won't like whats happening right away I suspect but you will know you did the right thing. Don't be liek me and wait 12 year later to get the nerve to say what need sto be said. I am still trying to do that now.