told ex the ball is in his court

[tabular]

So after he dumped me twice in the last 6 months, I told my uBPDex a few days ago that I can't and won't move on, that I want him back, and that the ball is in his court now. His reply was that until he finishes his project he can't really do anything or see anyone. These were his exact (and only) words. The project is due next week. I wonder what his message meant - a 'yes', once his project is done, a 'maybe', a 'no' to me but not to others? Thoughts, anyone?

[Tyrwhitt]

Even without the complications of BPD, I'd say he isn't showing signs of commitment. With BPD, I'd save yourself years of heartache and move on. The rollercoaster isn't worth the ride and you can do better. If I could turn the clock back 20 years, I'd have chosen a different route. Say a big hello to your true self, I wish you calm and happiness in your life, it can never be underestimated.

[tabular]

Thank you for your reply. And I know, I know it would be hard  But I really love him and I want to make this work, now that I am more informed than ever and that I have gotten to know him so much more in the time we've been apart. I just don't know how to interpret his answer

[KE151]

I know it's hard but try not to interpret his words and observe his actions instead.

[lemon flower]

maybe he's playing hard to get, thinking that will increase your longing for him (BPD's are childly thinking, still playing teengames)

or maybe he's really into his working and that is what takes all his attention, in that case he'd probably didn't mean to be short or rude, he just didn't think how it would sound in your ears (BPD's are suckers for empathy)

I know that I am now generalising twice, but these are examples of how my ex was thinking and acting out

I notice you are still going from the "I want him back"-thinking to the "I give up"-thinking, please give yourself more time!

so, actually you should be glad with his reaction... . :-)

hugs xx

[tabular]

Thanks, guys. I have now decided that I WANT HIM BACK And I told him that. Maybe I should add that there was a sad-face  at the end of his message. But as you're saying, tiskina, it could just mean that he wants empathy for his work… arghhh why can't he just say no, or yes, or even a MAYBE. I hate it that he is always so cryptic (unless he is dumping me, then he is very firm that there is never going to be another attempt and I should move on etc.)

As for his actions - he continues emailing me every day, even after my 'love confession'. I'll just have to go with the flow, I guess.

[lemon flower]

no! actually I meant: HE is not good in feeling empathy with you... . he doesn't realise one second that you might be disappointed about his "cold" reaction

and yes ofcourse he does want your empathy for his work, usually they're quite uncertain, needing loads of validation, though sometimes hiding it behind a mask of arrogance

but in the end: if you want this relation, you have to accept that it will always be about him, and not really about you, he can overwhelm you with his "love", but it's not an "adult" love... . that is the main reason why I'm NOT going back, it's selfprotection , I have been hurt enough in my life!

(though everyday I have to convince myself of it over and over again, it's so tempting to give it another chance in the name of love... . )

[tabular]

I know, triskina, that it is all going to be about him. And I really appreciate your advice, which is why I hope that you won't hold it against me what I am about to say… but I am a little bit frustrated and tired of having to justify my decision to everyone. I know everyone wants the best for me and wishes me well and doesn't understand why I would want to put myself in this position. I just need you all to know that I am fully aware of the downsides of my decision, but over the past 4 months that we have been apart I have done a lot of self-reflection, and I am quite a strong and stubborn person. I don't think I am someone who is co-dependent or that my decision to stick by him comes from a position of weakness. I have been in very stable and loving relationships, but I have never felt so happy with someone (whether he is nice to me or in complete selfish-mode). I really want to give this another shot, but I have promised to myself that this is going to be the last one (if he even agrees to it). If this goes wrong again, then I am out of his life. But at least then I'll know that I have done literally EVERYTHING to make this work.

[lemon flower]

"It's impossible" said Pride,

"It's risky" said Experience,

"It's pointless" said Reason,

"Give it a try", said the Heart

(anonymous)

[tabular]

haha, so true!