Exhausted

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

As my ex, at work. continues to date my replacement, he continues to alternately harrass me with pretty severe relentless texts and instant messages (on work computers) to very intermittently send kind ones when he's clearly realized he's gone too far... .    it's a true challenge to work there and I am so tired at this point I can't really see how it will get better if I don't leave soon.  I am going in there each morning with plans to not talk to him and not let him suck me into anything, and while I successfully ignored his texts (tons and tons and tons) yesterday, I wasn't so successful in the IM dept - it's so hard to be accused of insanity on company property and not respond- I wind up responding because I don't want our HR dept (who has access to these IM's) to believe what he's saying, yet I am acutely aware that when I DO respond to him to justify or defend myself, I very likely come across looking like the crazy one.   

I'm just so unbelievably tired.  Yesterday after a long relentless day of this, he actually got so mad at ME for refusing to accept responsibility for things I never did, that he whipped out his cell phone to show me a picture of my replacement... .   who does that ?  then sends me texts to tell me how he's going to put up pix of her all over his desk.  I was in tears at my desk - thank God most people had already gone for the day and no one saw me.  It hurt so badly with the brutality of the things he was saying all day long plus doing whatever he possibly can to hurt me - it's so mean.  And he got what he wanted.  He wanted me broken.  Well, he got it.

(You know, it didn't really help that she looked awfully similar to me... . )

I'm supposed to be one of the leaders in the region.  I feel like an embarrassment.  I can't help lead others when I can barely function there... .   how do I function there with this constantly coming at me?

[Take2]

As my ex, at work. continues to date my replacement, he continues to alternately harrass me with pretty severe relentless texts and instant messages (on work computers) to very intermittently send kind ones when he's clearly realized he's gone too far... .    it's a true challenge to work there and I am so tired at this point I can't really see how it will get better if I don't leave soon.  I am going in there each morning with plans to not talk to him and not let him suck me into anything, and while I successfully ignored his texts (tons and tons and tons) yesterday, I wasn't so successful in the IM dept - it's so hard to be accused of insanity on company property and not respond- I wind up responding because I don't want our HR dept (who has access to these IM's) to believe what he's saying, yet I am acutely aware that when I DO respond to him to justify or defend myself, I very likely come across looking like the crazy one.   

I'm just so unbelievably tired.  Yesterday after a long relentless day of this, he actually got so mad at ME for refusing to accept responsibility for things I never did, that he whipped out his cell phone to show me a picture of my replacement... .   who does that ?  then sends me texts to tell me how he's going to put up pix of her all over his desk.  I was in tears at my desk - thank God most people had already gone for the day and no one saw me.  It hurt so badly with the brutality of the things he was saying all day long plus doing whatever he possibly can to hurt me - it's so mean.  And he got what he wanted.  He wanted me broken.  Well, he got it.

(You know, it didn't really help that she looked awfully similar to me... . )

I'm supposed to be one of the leaders in the region.  I feel like an embarrassment.  I can't help lead others when I can barely function there... .   how do I function there with this constantly coming at me?

[CoasterRider]

If he is doing this at work I would report him, if he's creating a hostile working environment the company is liable for his behavior... .

[Free2Bee]

Take2, you sound so frustrated and overwhelmed! There's nothing worse than being unhappy at work, given we spend the majority of our days there. From the context of your message, I'm assuming that you work with your ex?

Is there anyone you can speak with at work, a superior or someone in HR? This behaviour is bordering on harassment and it's clearly preventing you from being effective in your job. Is 'no contact' with this person an option?

Take care of yourself, okay? You're bigger than these circumstances. Given some time, I think you'll figure it out and be okay.

Keep talking and let us know how we can support you  

[Dog biscuit]

I'm supposed to be one of the leaders in the region.  I feel like an embarrassment.  I can't help lead others when I can barely function there... .   how do I function there with this constantly coming at me?

This may be exactly what he is after!

Hang in there take2!

Vent, rage, cry here, dont let him make you believe you are not worthy!

[fromheeltoheal]

it's a true challenge to work there and I am so tired at this point I can't really see how it will get better if I don't leave soon.

That's one option, the other one is to fight back by bringing other people in the organization into it.  If he sent you tons of texts, how does he get any work done?  And if you are in tears at your desk he is clearly having an impact on your work performance.  You may have some apprehension about bringing other people into your personal stuff, but like you say, the other option is to leave.  Do you like this job and company?

how do I function there with this constantly coming at me?  If you are in a situation that is impeding your job performance, your employer would want to know about it, and if they value you, they will want to help you fix it.

I got lost in a situation like that.  One thing that helps is to get out of it for several days, more than a weekend, with no communication with him.  If you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed now, a few days away will at least take the edge off of that and your focus will shift, then you can make some real decisions.  Take care of you!

[tiredndown]

Take2 - Keep this in mind ... . ABUSE thrives in private ! ! !

Print out all of the txts and IM chat windows, take them into HR and let them know what is going on. DO NOT keep it to yourself. This workplace harassment.

[Take2]

Thank you guys for the responses... . it really helps... .   and yes, it is workplace harrassment.  Of course this behavior is actually tamer than he has been at times.  I have and continue to play a part of the "dance" with him.  Each time I feel I'm truly beginning to detach, I have been sucked back in... .   it is TRULY an addiction to him that is just wildly difficult for me to break when I see him, when our lives have revolved around each other for so long at work. 

I suspect the HR dept does already know all about us.  They have access to our instant messages.  The HR rep for our area is someone I don't trust unfortunately - only because I've heard her talk about other employee issues and I had no reason to be told those things.  They were private matters.  That doesn't really give me the warm fuzzies in opening up to her... . and for a long time, she tried to befriend this ex... . always trying to find out more info about he and I (as if anyone had any doubt - we were always together, so everyone knew).

Anyway - I have told the AVP who is my boss.  She knows mostly everything.  But I made her NOT tell HR.

Why?  because I'm afraid of what he would do to be quite honest.

He is an amazing liar, an amazing manipulator.  I am certain he has saved our messages to make me appear to be the crazy one.  I would crumble under it.  I know the AVP would totally back me up.  I know other executives who would also.  But I'm still afraid of what he'd do if he felt I threatened his job.

I do just need to vent and cry here lately.  Because on top of all of it... .   I miss him.

Shows just how deep my addiction is... .  

[DiamondSW]

Oh no this is so sad.  If your personal and work lives are intertwined and so unhappy, you must be a remarkable person to get on with your day and function.

Totally agree with the harrassment statements and need to print/keep evidence.

don't know what to say... .   just take care xxxx

[Perfidy]

He's brow beating you take2. It's a tactic like a psychopath would use. He knows you and he knows how to get inside your mind and torment you. When you understand this it takes his power away and lets you act with indifference.

[Take2]

I know Perfidy... .   I even used that exact phrase to him on Monday (brow beating).  My therapist and I have discussed the possibility that he may be a psychopath - at the very least has many traits that are similar... .  

And every time I begin to break away, show the strength to not react emotionally (whether crying or anger), begin to heal inside... .    he reaches back out and pulls me back in... .

I am saving all texts.  Have plenty of them lately threatening again to destroy my life and ranting on for so long that there is no doubt who is the crazy person. 

DiamondSW... . that is incredibly kind of you to say but the reality is that I could be truly shining at my job, like I have at prior companies, but I have allowed myself to withdraw into my own world there for him and allowed myself to wind up in this position where I am not struggling to function.  I KNOW I can be so much better there.  It's not like my job is suffering, I have done a very good job - but it's pretty brutal to be able to respond to constant work demands and questions while on so many days the ex is texting, IM'ing and stomping around the office (literally) to intimidate me... .    

Perfidy... . how do I get the knowledge to break thru to my heart once and for all?

Someone else posted this a while back but my heart can't seem to catch up to my head - my head has got it.

All of it.  I deserve so much better.  And yes this whole experience has finally made ME wake up to my own codepency issue and become so much stronger... .   but that I continue to miss this man who is so cruel to me, so threatening to me... .   one day at a time I guess... .   like every other addiction... .

[love4meNOTu]

It sounds to me like you are starting to face the reality of him. I know it's not easy. I would say it took me about eight months to break the bond between myself and my ex husband. That bond was entirely with me, not with him at all, he moved on long ago.

I, however, took time to become attached to my husband, and it took me time to become detached. I think all of this is normal.

However, having to face your ex at work is a new level of hell. I kind of want you to get angry, for yourself, to protect yourself from hurt... . to have that "righteous" anger that you should not be treated this way. No one should.

Can you at least admit that to yourself? That you deserve better than this?

As far as I"m conerned, it's war, especially if it interferes with my livelihood.

He sees you as the enemy. And will act accordingly. He is not like you.

L

[Take2]

Love4me... .   I wish I could hold onto that anger longer than I do... .   the ex has done SOO many wildly hurtful, outrageous things to destroy me - to show me that he will break me - to clarify for me that he is probably the male version of Jodi Arias - that it boggles my own mind that I continue to have such a strong attachment to him.

I am reading Betrayal Bonds, a book about the trauma bonds and addiction cycle that people go thru.  It is truly hitting the nail on the head.  I have Stockholm Syndrome and it's pretty difficult to break free of my addiction to him when he's there all the time.  If I didn't have to see this guy at work, this would have ended for me long, long ago.  I went my longest NC with him two weeks ago (5 whole days... . ) and the second he reached out and texted only "hello" sent my head spinning again... .   the "hit" was had and I was addicted again.

I feel like a pawn being used constantly.  I KNOW I am stronger than this.  I have been posting so much more lately than I did for a while because I need to push myself out of this.

And I will... .    

I DO know I deserve better... .   I am human, lord knows I've made some pretty big mistakes, but I have been working on myself for quite some time now and have made big progress... .   no one deserve to go thru the hell he's put me thru... .    

[love4meNOTu]

And that is exactly right. No one deserves this kind of abuse. Especially not you... .

Can you think of it like this... . you did your best. You loved him, it did not work. You did your best. Forgive yourself, and quit trying to heal him. It's not going to happen.

Read the Budda and the Borderline. The writer is borderline and when you read her mental processes you will never again think of your pwBPD in the same way again. There is no depth of feeling for us at all... . all they have is need. A hole to be filled, by anyone who is willing to do so. We are not special, we are not loved, we are not valued. We are merely objects to take away their pain momentarily.

Now it's time to wake up to that fact and take care of you. Because there is nothing you can do for him. Nothing. Engaging him will only bring you more pain.

Please try to not engage. Be boring if you must respond, and non commital.

Boring turns them away. I promise you it will.

L

[Perfidy]

Take2, developing mindfulness is a skill that allows you to have thoughts and not act or feel about them. At first when you practice it, it doesn't seem like it does much. Practiced regularly it has a profound effect on your reactions. Mindfulness gives inner peace in times of chaos and confusion. It allows you to instinctively be calm when conditions aren't.

Another method is thought aversion. Moving your focus away from the source of aggravation.

There is the SET tool you can use to attempt to defuse tense conversations or engagements.

Mastering emotion is an empowering experience that puts you in charge of yourself and takes power from those that we perceive as hurtful. It allows us to have agreement in thought, feeling, and behavior.

[tiredndown]

Take2

If what you are saying is accurate, you have grounds for a law suite. I would make a report to HR in writing and keep copies. document EVERYTHING then contact a lawyer. If you are in the states this will be taken very seriously.

Thank you guys for the responses... . it really helps... .  and yes, it is workplace harrassment.  Of course this behavior is actually tamer than he has been at times.  I have and continue to play a part of the "dance" with him.  Each time I feel I'm truly beginning to detach, I have been sucked back in... .  it is TRULY an addiction to him that is just wildly difficult for me to break when I see him, when our lives have revolved around each other for so long at work.  

I suspect the HR dept does already know all about us.  They have access to our instant messages.  The HR rep for our area is someone I don't trust unfortunately - only because I've heard her talk about other employee issues and I had no reason to be told those things.  They were private matters.  That doesn't really give me the warm fuzzies in opening up to her... . and for a long time, she tried to befriend this ex... . always trying to find out more info about he and I (as if anyone had any doubt - we were always together, so everyone knew).

Anyway - I have told the AVP who is my boss.  She knows mostly everything.  But I made her NOT tell HR.

Why?  because I'm afraid of what he would do to be quite honest.

He is an amazing liar, an amazing manipulator.  I am certain he has saved our messages to make me appear to be the crazy one.  I would crumble under it.  I know the AVP would totally back me up.  I know other executives who would also.  But I'm still afraid of what he'd do if he felt I threatened his job.

I do just need to vent and cry here lately.  Because on top of all of it... .  I miss him.

Shows just how deep my addiction is... .  

I am saving all texts.  Have plenty of them lately threatening again to destroy my life and ranting on for so long that there is no doubt who is the crazy person. 

GO . TO . THE . POLICE ... . Today, take off of work and file a complaint for harassment and threats and get a restraining order... . NOW... . Tell them you are in fear for your life!