Strange Behaviour during Mediation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

My divorce petition is pending in Court. As per the process, the Court sends the couple first for mediation. On the first date, my wife and her lawyer came to me and stated that my wife is agreeable to all the conditions that I have. I believe that my wife suffers from BPD, though it is undiagnosed.

First Mediation:

During the first mediation I was asked first what the problem was as I was the petitioner. I told the councilor what the problem was in brief (as she seemed to be pro-women and she also had some social institute researcher with her). Post which she spoke to my wife and then called both of us together. My wife threw a drama in front of her that we are a couple made in heaven etc... etc... . The mediation ended with the Councillor asking her, that does she want to live with a man making such allegations against her. She further went on that we should meet during the period and try to reconcile our differences before the next date. Post the first mediation , I was upset and went back straight home and I did not want to speak to my wife because of her behaviour with the Councillor and the Councillor's statements...  

A couple of friends and my family advised me to give her a second chance and then I reinitiated contact with my wife.

Meetings:

I met my wife the whole of January and she feigned that she was remorseful and apologized. I told her the conditions that I had for getting back together which were hardly anything and primarily were -

1) Acceptance of her mistake and apologize to the family

2) Meet a psychiatrist and start treatment if recommended

3) As my wife never invested her salary, so I had suggested that she should contribute in household expenses (in the ratio of her salary to mine)

4) All decisions regarding our life and household to be mutual and I should be consulted with.

5) We should decide about property division, maintenance, child custody (we donot have one right now) etc... . if we separate in the future.

She seemed Ok to these conditions as they were fair and requested me to draft an MOU which she could discuss with her lawyer. During every meeting it did not seem that there was an issue and it was almost certain that we would reconcile... .

Second Mediation:

The second court mediation was yesterday. Before the mediation, I gave her the background to the MOU which was essentially what all had happened during our marriage and what was the reason for filing the divorce petition. This also served as her accepting her mistakes. She read it and with a complete flip over says, she accepts point 1, 2, 3, 7, 8 etc... . On meeting a psychiatrist she just said that there is nothing wrong with her. She stated that she has a psychiatrist report stating that she completely normal (this analysis was conducted by her 5-6 months back (ie. before first mediation))

During our mediation, I was asked what did we decide, to which I stated that we were working on a reconciliation. The Councillor then asked that would we be taking a trial period or would I withdraw the petitiion, to which I opted for the second as there is no reason for prolonging the matter.

My wife butted in stating that, she wanted more time to think as we have not met much etc... . (I was taken aback as she was the one wanting to reconcile) Further, she just started crying on the custody of kids (which we donot have)... .   To which the councillor added that the condition no 5 is not allowed in an MOU as process of separation is not a condition which can be put in an MOU as per Indian Law (She was partly true as custody of future kids is not allowed to be decided in advance).

I donot remember what happened post this, we were then discussing getting separated and she going in for a contested divorce. To which I asked what does she want to contest on. Does she want maintenance, alimony or property. She stated that she wants none but wants to prove that she is right in front of the judge. I asked her, if my allegations are a concern, then we can opt for a mutual consent petition with no party stating anything. To which she responded that she does not want a mutual divorce also. She does not want to give a divorce.

The counseling session ended and we met my wife's lawyer, we were again discussing the MOU and I was asked for the draft copy for the lawyer to opine upon... .

I later asked my wife why did she go on a tangent during mediation meeting and she stated that maybe she did not understand the Councillor's questions. 


My question is

1) Are there any tests to find out if a person is suffering from BPD? (a question and answer test) as she claims to have undergone.

2) Are my conditions unrealistic on which she had to flip over during mediation

3) Now how do I handle the situation (really confused on this)

Thanks a ton for reading my post.

Regards,

[Mr. Black]

Hi All,

My divorce petition is pending in Court. As per the process, the Court sends the couple first for mediation. On the first date, my wife and her lawyer came to me and stated that my wife is agreeable to all the conditions that I have. I believe that my wife suffers from BPD, though it is undiagnosed.

First Mediation:

During the first mediation I was asked first what the problem was as I was the petitioner. I told the councilor what the problem was in brief (as she seemed to be pro-women and she also had some social institute researcher with her). Post which she spoke to my wife and then called both of us together. My wife threw a drama in front of her that we are a couple made in heaven etc... etc... . The mediation ended with the Councillor asking her, that does she want to live with a man making such allegations against her. She further went on that we should meet during the period and try to reconcile our differences before the next date. Post the first mediation , I was upset and went back straight home and I did not want to speak to my wife because of her behaviour with the Councillor and the Councillor's statements...  

A couple of friends and my family advised me to give her a second chance and then I reinitiated contact with my wife.

Meetings:

I met my wife the whole of January and she feigned that she was remorseful and apologized. I told her the conditions that I had for getting back together which were hardly anything and primarily were -

1) Acceptance of her mistake and apologize to the family

2) Meet a psychiatrist and start treatment if recommended

3) As my wife never invested her salary, so I had suggested that she should contribute in household expenses (in the ratio of her salary to mine)

4) All decisions regarding our life and household to be mutual and I should be consulted with.

5) We should decide about property division, maintenance, child custody (we donot have one right now) etc... . if we separate in the future.

She seemed Ok to these conditions as they were fair and requested me to draft an MOU which she could discuss with her lawyer. During every meeting it did not seem that there was an issue and it was almost certain that we would reconcile... .

Second Mediation:

The second court mediation was yesterday. Before the mediation, I gave her the background to the MOU which was essentially what all had happened during our marriage and what was the reason for filing the divorce petition. This also served as her accepting her mistakes. She read it and with a complete flip over says, she accepts point 1, 2, 3, 7, 8 etc... . On meeting a psychiatrist she just said that there is nothing wrong with her. She stated that she has a psychiatrist report stating that she completely normal (this analysis was conducted by her 5-6 months back (ie. before first mediation))

During our mediation, I was asked what did we decide, to which I stated that we were working on a reconciliation. The Councillor then asked that would we be taking a trial period or would I withdraw the petitiion, to which I opted for the second as there is no reason for prolonging the matter.

My wife butted in stating that, she wanted more time to think as we have not met much etc... . (I was taken aback as she was the one wanting to reconcile) Further, she just started crying on the custody of kids (which we donot have)... .   To which the councillor added that the condition no 5 is not allowed in an MOU as process of separation is not a condition which can be put in an MOU as per Indian Law (She was partly true as custody of future kids is not allowed to be decided in advance).

I donot remember what happened post this, we were then discussing getting separated and she going in for a contested divorce. To which I asked what does she want to contest on. Does she want maintenance, alimony or property. She stated that she wants none but wants to prove that she is right in front of the judge. I asked her, if my allegations are a concern, then we can opt for a mutual consent petition with no party stating anything. To which she responded that she does not want a mutual divorce also. She does not want to give a divorce.

The counseling session ended and we met my wife's lawyer, we were again discussing the MOU and I was asked for the draft copy for the lawyer to opine upon... .

I later asked my wife why did she go on a tangent during mediation meeting and she stated that maybe she did not understand the Councillor's questions. 


My question is

1) Are there any tests to find out if a person is suffering from BPD? (a question and answer test) as she claims to have undergone.

2) Are my conditions unrealistic on which she had to flip over during mediation

3) Now how do I handle the situation (really confused on this)

Thanks a ton for reading my post.

Regards,

[Matt]

Mr. Black,

I'm confused too!

Lots of discussions but it's not at all clear what anyone wants.

Do you believe the marriage should end, or do you want to fix it?

Do you think your wife wants it to end, or to fix it?

It seems like there are two discussions going on at once - one about how to end the marriage and the other about how to save it.  Maybe it would be best to first decide if you both want to save it, or if you want to end it.  Then move on to how you can achieve your choice.

About BPD:  It may not be important to figure this out, for the legal process.  If you choose to end the marriage, and there are no kids, then any psychological problems may not matter to the court.  (I'm in the US, and things may be done differently in India, but our systems are both based on English law, so there should be many similarities too.)

If it is important to know if she has BPD, there is one test I know of - the MMPI-2 (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Index).  My wife and I took this.  It cost $500 for each of us.  It takes about two hours - about 500 questions.  The results allow a psychologist to diagnose BPD and many other psychological disorders.

If you want to save the marriage, I think it is reasonable for both of you to take that test, and see what it says.  If it says either of you have a problem, then a psychologist can suggest the best treatment.  If your wife has BPD, the right kind of therapy can help a lot, but only if she is committed to it.  Most people with BPD will not accept that they have a problem and will not get therapy.  (That's what happened in my case - my wife refused therapy, so after almost a year of marriage counseling, I gave up and we ended the marriage.)

My suggestion would be, first talk with your wife and decide together whether you will end the marriage or work to fix it.

If you decide to end it, then talk to your lawyer to find the best, cheapest, quickest way to do that.  If mediation is required, make it clear whether mediation is to save the marriage or to decide the terms for ending it, and stay on that path - don't go back and forth.

If you want to save the marriage, then set aside the divorce and engage a marriage counselor to help you save the marriage.  Maybe one idea would be for both of you to take the MMPI-2, and have a psychologist tell you the results, and recommend the best treatment.  Then some period of treatment for the individual before you get back together.  Therapy takes time to have an impact, and it might be best to let that happen first, and then work together on your mutual problems.

[ForeverDad]

Inconsistency is common when a person lives with their feelings, moods and perceptions.  High on the list are people with BPD or similar PDs.  Even reasonably normal people can shift their viewpoints, it's just that it's far more extreme and problematic with disordered people.

One problem is that you two hadn't committed to paper the issues you two have before going to that session.  If you had accomplished that, then that documentation would have laid the groundwork for all to use as a starting point.  She could still have objected but at least others would be able to see she was the one changing and not you.  Does that make sense?  The point is that you may never be able to get a consistent and predictable answer from her on any given topic at any given time at any give place.  That's what you're dealing with, that's what you have to handle in some practical way.

While taking tests and starting therapy is a great idea, she could balk at any step along the way and all that effort could be wasted and precious time lost.  Will she (and you) agree to tests?  Will she (and you) agree to start therapy?  Will she (and you) stick with the therapy?  Will she (and you) apply the therapy or just go through the motions and end up getting nothing accomplished?

Meanwhile, since you don't have any children at this time, don't start having children until you truly know whether your marriage will prosper.  While children are wonderful, they can greatly complicate a failing or troubled marriage.