Concern for children as exBPDw is escalating behaviour

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

During my marriage with exBPDw, she would make up a concoction for my sinus issue and force me to drink it. It tasted disgusting but she would stand over me while I did and get angry or upset if I didn't drink it. At the time I mistook it for the kind and caring side that seldom appeared, strange considering she started out as a nurse. She would tell me it was a traditional Native American medicine, I went looking for the recipe to see if I had the things at home to make it. What I discovered was that she had been trying to poison me and that one of the ingredients in a large enough dose is actually fatal. Any ingestion of even the smallest amount the internet recommends contacting poison control immediately.

That got me thinking back to the times she used to give it to me. The first time made me feel quite sick but did nothing to help. She was quite annoyed at that and the next time upped the dosage. On the last time, I was violently ill and suggested I go see a doctor, which made her mad and that I was questioning her medical skills. Instead, I ended up in bed to ride it out and it took 2 days to recover. Her take on it was that it was ridding my body of demons, my take on it was something was definitely not right. Still, I had no reason not to trust her and put it down to perhaps my body was rejecting it.

So knowing she could do that to me and the events of this week, I'm really concerned about the kids.

Where most kids have friends and get to play outside, not hers. They spend about 3 days a week visiting specialists to be told there is nothing wrong with them. They both have asthma and do see a specialist but aside from that, they are perfectly healthy children, except exBPDw will not accept that. If a specialist says there is nothing wrong, she seeks out another until one finally agrees with her. It was something that stuck with me through the marriage because exMIL controlled a lot of that and played on exBPDw's paranoia.

I jumped an immediate flight back from working overseas one time after being told daughter was in hospital fighting for her life. I got back only to find daughter at home and a little unwell. To me it was a chest infection but exBPDw raged at how I wasn't taking her seriously. A couple of days later she was convinced daughter was going into respiratory arrest and dashed through to hospital. I still wasn't convinced and it caused another rage about how I didn't care. Specialists examined her and they were quite annoyed exBPDw had brought her in because it was a minor chest infection and she was already getting treatment for it. Ex wanted specialists struck off and I got raged at for not arguing with the doctors.

Another time, daughter had stomach flu. I was cleaning her up when exMIL went running through the house yelling that she had stopped breathing. Ex didn't bother to check, she called for an ambulance immediately, even though there was nothing wrong. She raged at me again for not taking it seriously and that my opinion didn't count. Ambulance arrived and paramedics found nothing wrong, she raged at them too so they took D to the hospital just to be sure. Again, doctors found nothing wrong and we got sent home. Got a bill through for waste of an ambulance, which should have been an indicator but not to ex, instead she wrote a formal complaint to the ambulance service demanding the paramedics lost their job for being medically incompetent.

So what does this have to do with things? I have seen the lengths exBPDw will go, I do know that part of it is fuelled by paranoia and part is exMIL enabling it too. When SD's dad left and went NC, she escalated her contact to him and when he still didn't respond, she attempted to tell him SD was really sick and in need of medical attention. What happened next was 5 years of dragging her through the hospitals to find something medically wrong and a specialist that would agree with her. I also know that aside from a peanut allergy and asthma, there was nothing medically wrong with SD.

I have been NC with exBPDw for the past year and over the past month she has been escalating contact, I get an email from her every 3 or so weeks but last month I got 15 emails. The latest one has been to tell me my daughter is really sick and just as her ex and family received an email demanding to know their medical history, mine got one too last week. I know my exBPDw is capable of dangerous things and now I'm really concerned she is going to do the same thing to daughter. There is no possible way I can or will re-engage her because in the words of T, she is a very dangerous and disturbed individual but not sure what options I have available. We live in different countries so it's not like I can step in and take daughter away from it.

If it is anything like this country, even suggesting such a thing to the authorities paints you as a vengeful parent and often ignored. My T is aware of things that have happened previously so I don't know whether going through him would be more beneficial as I'm sure it would carry more weight but I don't want to put him in the middle. Starting out as my exBPDw's T he is fully aware of what she is capable of so doesn't need any convincing. In fact when she started escalating the abuse and threats, he offered to put me in touch with a lawyer on that side as he too has been the target of her rages and abuse.

I'm very concerned for both girls right now because I know my exBPDw is very capable of the "Now look what you made me do" ultimate projection. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Murbay]

During my marriage with exBPDw, she would make up a concoction for my sinus issue and force me to drink it. It tasted disgusting but she would stand over me while I did and get angry or upset if I didn't drink it. At the time I mistook it for the kind and caring side that seldom appeared, strange considering she started out as a nurse. She would tell me it was a traditional Native American medicine, I went looking for the recipe to see if I had the things at home to make it. What I discovered was that she had been trying to poison me and that one of the ingredients in a large enough dose is actually fatal. Any ingestion of even the smallest amount the internet recommends contacting poison control immediately.

That got me thinking back to the times she used to give it to me. The first time made me feel quite sick but did nothing to help. She was quite annoyed at that and the next time upped the dosage. On the last time, I was violently ill and suggested I go see a doctor, which made her mad and that I was questioning her medical skills. Instead, I ended up in bed to ride it out and it took 2 days to recover. Her take on it was that it was ridding my body of demons, my take on it was something was definitely not right. Still, I had no reason not to trust her and put it down to perhaps my body was rejecting it.

So knowing she could do that to me and the events of this week, I'm really concerned about the kids.

Where most kids have friends and get to play outside, not hers. They spend about 3 days a week visiting specialists to be told there is nothing wrong with them. They both have asthma and do see a specialist but aside from that, they are perfectly healthy children, except exBPDw will not accept that. If a specialist says there is nothing wrong, she seeks out another until one finally agrees with her. It was something that stuck with me through the marriage because exMIL controlled a lot of that and played on exBPDw's paranoia.

I jumped an immediate flight back from working overseas one time after being told daughter was in hospital fighting for her life. I got back only to find daughter at home and a little unwell. To me it was a chest infection but exBPDw raged at how I wasn't taking her seriously. A couple of days later she was convinced daughter was going into respiratory arrest and dashed through to hospital. I still wasn't convinced and it caused another rage about how I didn't care. Specialists examined her and they were quite annoyed exBPDw had brought her in because it was a minor chest infection and she was already getting treatment for it. Ex wanted specialists struck off and I got raged at for not arguing with the doctors.

Another time, daughter had stomach flu. I was cleaning her up when exMIL went running through the house yelling that she had stopped breathing. Ex didn't bother to check, she called for an ambulance immediately, even though there was nothing wrong. She raged at me again for not taking it seriously and that my opinion didn't count. Ambulance arrived and paramedics found nothing wrong, she raged at them too so they took D to the hospital just to be sure. Again, doctors found nothing wrong and we got sent home. Got a bill through for waste of an ambulance, which should have been an indicator but not to ex, instead she wrote a formal complaint to the ambulance service demanding the paramedics lost their job for being medically incompetent.

So what does this have to do with things? I have seen the lengths exBPDw will go, I do know that part of it is fuelled by paranoia and part is exMIL enabling it too. When SD's dad left and went NC, she escalated her contact to him and when he still didn't respond, she attempted to tell him SD was really sick and in need of medical attention. What happened next was 5 years of dragging her through the hospitals to find something medically wrong and a specialist that would agree with her. I also know that aside from a peanut allergy and asthma, there was nothing medically wrong with SD.

I have been NC with exBPDw for the past year and over the past month she has been escalating contact, I get an email from her every 3 or so weeks but last month I got 15 emails. The latest one has been to tell me my daughter is really sick and just as her ex and family received an email demanding to know their medical history, mine got one too last week. I know my exBPDw is capable of dangerous things and now I'm really concerned she is going to do the same thing to daughter. There is no possible way I can or will re-engage her because in the words of T, she is a very dangerous and disturbed individual but not sure what options I have available. We live in different countries so it's not like I can step in and take daughter away from it.

If it is anything like this country, even suggesting such a thing to the authorities paints you as a vengeful parent and often ignored. My T is aware of things that have happened previously so I don't know whether going through him would be more beneficial as I'm sure it would carry more weight but I don't want to put him in the middle. Starting out as my exBPDw's T he is fully aware of what she is capable of so doesn't need any convincing. In fact when she started escalating the abuse and threats, he offered to put me in touch with a lawyer on that side as he too has been the target of her rages and abuse.

I'm very concerned for both girls right now because I know my exBPDw is very capable of the "Now look what you made me do" ultimate projection. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

I'm in a rush to go to work but one thought jumps out at me - Factitious Disorder by Proxy, or Munchausen's by Proxy.  Or comorbid with BPD, having multiple disorders is not uncommon.  It might be wise to have a one-on-one with the professionals who find nothing wrong with the kids.  Don't talk about this to your spouse or her supporters until you get more information and determine if it could be applicable and how to address it properly.  You're right not to go in telling the doctors what to do, they see themselves as the trained professional who have to investigate, evaluate and come to that conclusion themselves.  You need to protect your children but you also don't want to be the boy who cried wolf and was ignored.  Getting a capable lawyer experienced in family law is a good move.

Who was sending emails demanding family histories, the doctors?

Speaking of paranoia, my ex-spouse fit some of the traits of Borderline and Narcissistic but hit every one of the traits of Paranoid PD.  We separated due to the adult behaviors (she threatened my life).  Court often gives more weight to parenting behaviors than adult behaviors when determining custody orders so since my ex seemed 'okay' to the court as MOTY - Mother Of The Year - in 30 minutes she got temp custody, I spent the next several years correcting that.  Yours though does sound more directly dangerous to the children.

[Dog biscuit]

I was thinking the same as Foreverdad... . munchausen's by proxy.

Getting in touch with the medics, that examined the childeren and found nothing wrong with them sounds like good advice!

[mother in law]

Murbay I would definitely pursue the Munchausen's by Proxy advice. I am a health professional and have seen it in action. Forever Dad's advice is spot on go seek the advice of a professional, you are your children's advocate. You also need to document all that has happened to you and them ie all occasions of health issues that she has been involved in, the professionals will need hard evidence and not just anecdotal evidence. Good luck it's a tough one.

[Waddams]

I'd also recommend consulting your L with your concerns.  This might be grounds for change in custody.  If exBPDw has Munchhausen's by Proxy, she's a danger to the kids and they need to be protected from that.  I think you'd need to file for custody and be able to put hard evidence (i.e. medical records) backed up by testimony from medical professionals.  Might be a good idea to go ahead and get complete copies of all their medical records from the various places she's taken them to.  Could be a pain as she's taken them all over, but you'll need to show it all to make the case.

Having all those records together will also make it easy to present the case to a medical professional/social worker/therapist/etc. to make your case.  I'd scan them in to PDF, put it all on a CD and make a bunch of copies, and provide hard and digital copy to each professional you get involved.  And maybe even a timeline summary of each incident, and the doctors she took them too during each incident.

[Murbay]

Thank you very much for the responses and it gives me some avenues to investigate. As I mentioned before, it is quite difficult because live in very different countries now but I'm just very thankful for T who has been able to see both sides and understands what she is capable of. After the divorce, exBPDw filed false charges against me to stop me from having anything to do with the kids, thankfully she didn't have a leg to stand on and they were dismissed.

Knowing they were false, she actually contacted T to demand of him a statement to authorities to tell them I was dangerous. When he refused, she contacted police and tried to have charges against him. T has said if there is anything I need from him, he would be more than willing to assist. Having been her T initially, he does carry a lot of weight but I don't want to put him in a position outside of his professional capacity unless truly necessary. He believes her to be extremely dangerous and at one point last year was concerned for my own life following a call to his office from exBPDw.

He too is a citizen of her country but has stayed on as my T.

Who was sending emails demanding family histories, the doctors?

Not doctors, exBPDw is the one demanding family histories. Now here is the thing, after birth of daughter, ex had her in and out of hospital for tests. exMIL convinced exBPDw that D had CF and that she had a hernia in amongst lots of other things. In one such case where D had hives on her arm, exMIL convinced exBPDw that they were spider bites then in another bizarre explanation said they were jellyfish eggs and would work through her bloodstream into her brain. Seriously, we spent more time in hospital for fictitious and ridiculous claims than anything else. That said, I gave my family history to several of the hospitals when D was going in for all these tests. Aside from 2 grandparents who had cancer and my father with diabetes, we are a fit and healthy family. When ex decided daughter had CF, I tried to explain it was genetic. She didn't have it on her side of the family and I didn't have it on mine but was told that if it was positive, it was my fault. It turned out negative as did every other test D went through in first year of her life.

Following on from advice here, I think my steps will be to contact T as he is aware of the "medical" issues from when we were married and both seeing him. Next stage is to contact a lawyer in her country as they are more versed in the law than one on my side and finally see if I can get my hands on D's medical records as I know the hospital most of these incidents occurred in and who her GP is. The child with the biggest medical file and who has gone through this the longest is Step Daughter she would hold the most proof, but as I'm not her biological father, that's a little more difficult.

In terms of exBPDw, although she is the one who ends up at the hospital, it is exMIL who knowingly plays on her paranoia, fears and insecurities. So if anyone was Munchausens by Proxy it is exMIL. exBPDw goes along with it but I saw her question herself many times, only mother is always right no matter what. T had exMIL marked as possible NPD. I do feel for exBPDw in these circumstances but having witnessed what she put Step-Daughter through based on what exMIL was telling her, she is just as dangerous and I need to make sure the girls are safe.

Waddams - Custody would be extremely difficult. I was never a citizen of my exBPDw's country but my daughter is. She isn't dual nationality either so in terms of a custody battle it would be an international fight with odds stacked against me in this case. However, getting the records together is first priority. I might have odds against me for custody but making sure the kids are protected is priority above all else.

[maxen]

i haven't any advice murbay but what a terrifying situation. i hope you're dealing. your plans seem very sound to me.