Setting Boundaries

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Another session with my T today. I told him that my X still needs validation from me: on her choice of clothing (does this scarf match my pants?), even asked me if her hair smelled the other day (like an idiot, I leaned in and smelled it). My T said, "let's role play, you be her, I'll be you."

Me: "How does this blouse look on me?"

T: "Ex, what are you doing?"

Me: "what do you mean, I'm just asking how this looks?"

T: "Ex, what are you doing?"

Me: blank stare.

T: "You're acting like we're still in some kind of r/s when we're not. It's no longer my job to validate you, since you chose to tank our r/s, or offer opinions on things like that, so I won't. We're co-parents, and that's it."

Turn it back onto her, because she really doesn't realize what she is doing. With mine, with a lot of ours, they can't detach from us, even when they end our relationships horribly. Good way to respond... . I'll report back how it works.

[Turkish]

Another session with my T today. I told him that my X still needs validation from me: on her choice of clothing (does this scarf match my pants?), even asked me if her hair smelled the other day (like an idiot, I leaned in and smelled it). My T said, "let's role play, you be her, I'll be you."

Me: "How does this blouse look on me?"

T: "Ex, what are you doing?"

Me: "what do you mean, I'm just asking how this looks?"

T: "Ex, what are you doing?"

Me: blank stare.

T: "You're acting like we're still in some kind of r/s when we're not. It's no longer my job to validate you, since you chose to tank our r/s, or offer opinions on things like that, so I won't. We're co-parents, and that's it."

Turn it back onto her, because she really doesn't realize what she is doing. With mine, with a lot of ours, they can't detach from us, even when they end our relationships horribly. Good way to respond... . I'll report back how it works.

[myself]

  Your T gives good advice.

You could have said, "You look like someone who cheats."

Holding a mirror of truth may get her to stop asking, good luck.

[seeking balance]

Hey Turkish,

You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you 

Cheers,

SB

[Turkish]

Hey Turkish,

You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you 

Cheers,

SB

Thanks sb. I  was more just throwing it out there if it helps anyone else engagement attempts.

myself:  very funny.  I've been taking the high road,  and keeping my inner child asleep,  though it sleeps lightly... .   She thanked me again through email for taking care of things.

Another thing the T  said,  and there was a recent thread that was similar,  is that we are no longer in a r/s  and what she does on her own time  and whatever guys she's out with us no longer my business. I  think I've been doing ok on detaching from that emotionally.

[myself]

I've been taking the high road

The high road is the better road.

That's where I am too.

It's a fine line but gets us where we need to be

[delusionalxox]

Turkish that is eerie... . in May when ex was already cheating on me, he was on skype a lot asking me what I thought of his new suit and shoes... . obsessing over them and my opinion... .

We sure are the 'parent' to them aren't we? Both the good one and the Bad One!

I am in awe of your strength, if I had to see ex all the time and share kids with him I think I would definitely have gone nuts by now. 

[seeking balance]

Hey Turkish,

You will probably get more relevant feedback on the co-parenting board for this topic, maybe staff can move it for you 

Cheers,

SB

Thanks sb. I  was more just throwing it out there if it helps anyone else engagement attempts.

yeah, I get it, especially wanting to help the leavers since you feel this is your home turf.

There really is a big difference on the skills needed for detaching for the sake of leaving and detaching, but still parenting... . it is a hybrid of staying skills that are just not taught on leaving and leaving tools are not in your best interest for parenting together if that makes in sense.

Dreamgirl is a master at the skills needed and some others on that board really are good with teaching you how to set boundaries, but being mindful of triggering... . you will really get a masters class in BPD communication and your own boundaries!  I am not sure if you have ever read Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder - it is really good in separating the skills needed for being in relation with someone with BPD.  Unfortunately (well, fortunate in that you wouldn't trade it) having kids requires you to be in relation even if not romantic.

It is tough to do when detaching yourself - and anyone who has the option just to walk really won't understand all your dynamics at play.  And Turk, you do have many dynamics at play for sure!

Hope this clarifies a bit more for you - your detaching emotions for Leaving board absolutely... . communication tools might serve you better on co-parenting is all. 

[Turkish]

 Home turf? I  hope I  don't come off to anybody like I own the place... . I  think I  get what you are saying though. I will make digesting the co  parenting board lessons a  priority after this weekend when I  have a  lot of stuff to do around the house.  yes,  you clarified,  thanks... .

[Take2]

Another thing the T  said,  and there was a recent thread that was similar,  is that we are no longer in a r/s  and what she does on her own time  and whatever guys she's out with us no longer my business. I  think I've been doing ok on detaching from that emotionally.

My therapist brought this up to me last week... . I forget exactly what I'd said about my ex and some action he was doing connected to my replacement... . and my T pointed out that it's not my business what he's doing and that I need to stop trying to manipulate that.  I think I was trying to explain how wrong it was how he'd been lying to me for months about her existence but at the end of the day, really, T is right.  Just a painful realization... .