Living in the same house until trial separation

[A Dad]

Back story: Discovered wife's affair, devaluation, wife asked for separation, started MC, I also agreed to separation.

So here we are. We haven't been intimate for a few months even before the wife asked for separation. I started to detach, and I also agreed that we need to separate and confirmed it in the last two MC sessions. After I agreed to separation, my wife has been a bit ambivalent at times saying she is not sure etc., but I have stayed firm.

Since last week, she has done a complete turn around. Being loving again, looking at me longingly, and finally telling me that with all the changes in me (and there have been changes since I started learning about BPD and therapy to discover my own issues), I am all that she ever wanted and she wants us to try again. She wants to be given a chance and is willing to give it all.

Thanks to what I have learnt on this site, I am not caving in. Without this, the way she is now is exactly like how it was when we started dating and I would definitely have just gone back and been happy to have it all back. Now I know that she means what she is saying, but only in this moment. Her words don't mean much. Only her actions mean anything and even for those I have to try to decipher the true intent behind them.

She has been very emotional last few days. And appreciative of me for looking after her when she was sick. Yesterday again she said that she doesn't want to separate. At night, we ended up holding each other with some kissing. She asked me to sleep next to her in bed, but I refused and went back to sleep on the couch where I have been for a few weeks now.

I thought I was done, but the complete change in her demeanor is giving me second thoughts again. One thing I am staying firm on is that we have to live separately at least for a while. Only then I can reach a place where I can determine what my needs are and if I can expect them to be met in this relationship. If you asked me last week, I was sure that the separation will end up being permanent. But now I am feeling a little unsure. We will separate, there is no doubt in my mind about that, and I will affirm it in our next MC session coming up in a couple of days. But I am again not sure if this will be permanent or not.

Any thoughts on how I should be with her while we are still living in the same house? I have been giving her a hug if she is down, and a kiss here or there if she asks for it... should I let it be like it is? or be more strict about it?

To be honest, I still love her so I like the hugs and the kisses, and am detached enough that this won't be a problem when we separate.

[havana]

Any thoughts on how I should be with her while we are still living in the same house?

What you are doing seems to be working. I wouldn't let it go any further. Sometimes a little distance for a while is a good thing. It's probably a good idea to still do the seperation if only to clear your head and look at reality. Can't do that living under the same roof.

[HopefulDad]

I am currently "separated" from my BPDw, but still living in the house to be close with the kids.  This was my call and my wife is not thrilled about it, but after an initial meltdown, has come around... .for now.  We set up ground rules (or more like I set them up) which includes sleeping separately, no intimacy, no pet names (e.g. honey), no sharing of our days unless it has to do with the kids or logistics (e.g. car repairs), no sharing free time together.

Like your wife, mine has also been very sweet towards me in an attempt to reconcile, but I've held the line.  I started my own thread on this very topic... .how to not get sucked back in during what looks like "all is well again".

I suspect, as others do, that this will blow up and I will have to move out.  My wife started questioning the mixed signals my staying sends and we talked about it yesterday.  I validated these legitimate feelings and said if our living situation is too confusing, we can revisit the idea of me moving out.  She didn't push further so at least for now it's working.

After years of continuous cycles of over-the-top conflict and reconciliation, I've realized that I need space and cannot allow myself to let this continue.  These good moments towards me are just part of the cycle and it's important that I recognize that.

[ednapontellier]

It's so hard to know what to do when times are good, but as HopefulDad said, it's just part of the cycle... .It's what has probably kept most of us in relationships with our loved ones with BPD, but recognizing it will cycle back to the bad times too is important. How will you feel then? I'm kind of in the same place  good luck!

[A Dad]

Thanks guys for replying to me.

So... a couple of nights ago I got "convinced" to sleep next to her for a night. I had spent the previous few evenings away from home until late at night to participate in one of my hobbies, so I thought why not?

It is a weird setup with one side of the bed missing a mattress so the idea was to watch a movie together and then I sleep on one half and she on the other.

Bad idea... it all went downhill when she asked if I want to bring my mattress back up. When I refused, basically saying this is only one night... it was all tears and "poor me". I know her grief is real but who knows how long it will last. Looks like she starts to hope that we won't separate even though I keep telling her that that is a definite. Back to putting more distance between us. A small setback, but a lesson learnt.

[Knowingishalf]

I am going to add to this my own experience.  It is a little fresh but similar.  I just initiated a divorce, the craziest strongest thing I could do when I realized the chances of it ever reaching a point where I wasn't just settling.  Well she is currently in the I'll get better all is ok stage.  I somehow am standing strong, every time during our conversation she puts a hand on me I tell her it is uncomfortable.  Every time she says she wants MC I have managed to say I don't because there is no reality where I see me wanting things to work again.  All of this is because I know the cycle is going to switch, I have seen it.  I don't know how long I can maintain the "rock" but so far it feels great.  I moved out with our daughter and in the short time I have been away life feels different.  That alone says something to me helping me stay strong.

I think the troubling part here is that I care about her and want her to do well.  Oddly something in me has snapped and I can't see going back.  I know she wants it, oh does she want it she staged our initial talk on the bed and I held strong.  My advice is to really stand strong and set some boundaries and hold them to it.  Any breach is unacceptable to maintain sanity and not let them chip away.  I know if I start caving now I will end with a total cave.

[A Dad]

Knowingishalf, thanks for sharing your perspective. I went and read your introductory post. Man you have been through some tough times  .

My wife doesn't rage, and is a good mother most of the time. She really is a very sweet person with a lot of baggage. For me, it is her affair that irreparably damaged our marriage. Even that, I can see I contributed to it because of my own issues around intimate communication. I pushed her away without meaning to, and it triggered her "abandonment" issues. Man I wish I had known about BPD a year ago, I could have saved our marriage

Yes I am going to stand strong about living separately. I am also waiting to see what life is like once I move out with my children. If I am happier, more at peace and be a better father, then I will know that I have made the right decision.

[A Dad]

I am back posting after a long time, and thought I will update this.

So I caved in and we did end up starting to sleep together in the same bed and had sex as well a few times. I stayed firm about my decision to have a period of separation though. Today she has moved out to her new temporary accommodation and it is my first night alone.

Looking back I don't regret having sex those few times. Now that my eyes are open, I could clearly see how it was all about her. This might even do me good. We had not been intimate much in the last year or so before all this started. So the sex I really remembered was from long ago, and I would have missed that. But the last few times we had sex, I found that even when it was good, it was all about her, and wasn't really worth it.

She moved out today but we haven't been intimate for a fair few weeks, and mostly I didn't miss it. We will see how that goes in the next few weeks.

[HopefulDad]

I am currently "separated" from my BPDw, but still living in the house to be close with the kids.  This was my call and my wife is not thrilled about it, but after an initial meltdown, has come around... . for now.  We set up ground rules (or more like I set them up) which includes sleeping separately, no intimacy, no pet names (e.g. honey), no sharing of our days unless it has to do with the kids or logistics (e.g. car repairs), no sharing free time together.

Like your wife, mine has also been very sweet towards me in an attempt to reconcile, but I've held the line.  I started my own thread on this very topic... . how to not get sucked back in during what looks like "all is well again".

I suspect, as others do, that this will blow up and I will have to move out.  My wife started questioning the mixed signals my staying sends and we talked about it yesterday.  I validated these legitimate feelings and said if our living situation is too confusing, we can revisit the idea of me moving out.  She didn't push further so at least for now it's working.

After years of continuous cycles of over-the-top conflict and reconciliation, I've realized that I need space and cannot allow myself to let this continue.  These good moments towards me are just part of the cycle and it's important that I recognize that.

Here's my update: Per the bolded above, I moved out in mid-January.  Everything went to feces when we chose to spend Christmas apart, which included me taking the kids across the country to spend with my family.  Of course this decision went from being our decision (actually, she initially suggested it) to my own selfish one in her mind and her inability to muzzle her resentment, particularly in front of our children, became too much to live with.  She has since asked me to come back "for the sake of the kids" at which point I told her no, I did that for 3 months and it didn't work.

[Seneca]

i needed this thread today. God/ the universe/ fate does that. When you need a hand up, one is magically offered to you.

I have been living together/ separate (no physical touch, no intimacy, separate bedrooms for the last couple years helps this along, no hangouts unless as a family) for about 3 months now. He has started therapy and has been a model husband for the last two - bringing presents, being attentive and caring, patient and even keeled. I had a dream last night where the guilt of pushing away this person who is being so nice to me ate me up, and I gave in to him. I surrendered with the heaviness of the lie on my shoulders.

When I woke up, I had a conversation with the air. One in which I was asked - won't you give up your life for someone else's? Guilty, I said - Yes, I would. The air said back to me - but it doesn't work like that. You can lay your life down all you want, it won't save his. All I can do is rescue myself. I know this will cycle and be bad again... . I know it in my bones. There will be no relief for this.

It is terrible to admit defeat - that I cannot help him/ save him, and just walk away and leave him in his misery. I don't know how long we will live like this. The children and I are staying put in this house. I guess I am waiting for him to muster the courage to leave on his own. I am afraid for my children, and myself, as they are young and love him very much, and I have no means to support myself. But I must stay strong. You gentlemen reminded me to stand strong today. Thanks.