Custody in Process, Sad Behavior

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We have D1 and S4. Agreed to joint custody. She literally finally moved out of my home two days ago. Last night I was by myself for the first time in months. Very odd. She still has some stuff here. I'll give her a week or so grace period to get it out. I'm being as nice as possible until the CS is signed and filed. Actually, I'll be nice as possible after that for the kids, for me and for her. Nothing in keeping anger. She wants to play, let her play. It's who she is, though I am preparing for the inevitable storms when her depression triggers.

Her mom is the usual babysitter, but is out of town all month. A neighbor watched both kids today. I got off work early and picked them up... . to take across the street home. The neighbor called my X to ask if this was ok. The whole "it must have been the man, and moms deserve to have their kids" thing really bugs me. Can't wait to get that stipulation so I don't have to worry. I don;'t fear anything from my X (she needs the space... . as she demonstrated by playing part time "teen mom" these last 9 months), but all the same, I want us all protected.

She texted me and said she forgot to leave the carseat for S4 (we have separate ones for D1). I told her that I didn't really need it until Friday when I had the day off with the kids. I have them until Sat morning when she will pick them up again. She said she'd bring it over. I think she wanted to see the kids, or maybe felt guilty. Maybe she wanted to see me, who knows? She still has the key to the house (going to ask for it back this weekend). I have an alarm system, so I will know when she comes and goes. I trust her for now, but whoever she hangs out with, no. They are so much into each other that we will be the furthest from their disordered thoughts.

She pulled up a few hours later and took out the car seat. I had taken the kids for a walk, then played out back until it got cold. She asked meekly if she could come in and see the kids, like I was going to say "no!" and like she would have accepted that. What kind of person does she think I am? Short of her showing up at 3AM on my day asking to see them because she is distraught (this may come when her new r/s explodes... . it's a pattern, I know her pattern before me and it wasn't good), I won't ever deny her access to them, though if she makes a habit of just starting to show up, I will enact some boundaries. She left me a box of soup (they are both sick), though I ended up feeding them different things after she left. She kissed the kids and I could see her starting to cry. She was kind of in tears on the way out, saying she'd see them on Saturday morning. I felt sadness and pity for her, even a bit of lingering love. I also know how her mirror will come out when she goes to the other. We agreed on a schedule until the end of the month, then go to something agreed upon (which is similar to the one my lawyer suggested for young children) starting next month. I will, meanwhile, batten down the hatches financially due to the amount of CS and suddenly half the daycare I will be paying. But that's life, I'll make it somehow.

[Turkish]

We have D1 and S4. Agreed to joint custody. She literally finally moved out of my home two days ago. Last night I was by myself for the first time in months. Very odd. She still has some stuff here. I'll give her a week or so grace period to get it out. I'm being as nice as possible until the CS is signed and filed. Actually, I'll be nice as possible after that for the kids, for me and for her. Nothing in keeping anger. She wants to play, let her play. It's who she is, though I am preparing for the inevitable storms when her depression triggers.

Her mom is the usual babysitter, but is out of town all month. A neighbor watched both kids today. I got off work early and picked them up... . to take across the street home. The neighbor called my X to ask if this was ok. The whole "it must have been the man, and moms deserve to have their kids" thing really bugs me. Can't wait to get that stipulation so I don't have to worry. I don;'t fear anything from my X (she needs the space... . as she demonstrated by playing part time "teen mom" these last 9 months), but all the same, I want us all protected.

She texted me and said she forgot to leave the carseat for S4 (we have separate ones for D1). I told her that I didn't really need it until Friday when I had the day off with the kids. I have them until Sat morning when she will pick them up again. She said she'd bring it over. I think she wanted to see the kids, or maybe felt guilty. Maybe she wanted to see me, who knows? She still has the key to the house (going to ask for it back this weekend). I have an alarm system, so I will know when she comes and goes. I trust her for now, but whoever she hangs out with, no. They are so much into each other that we will be the furthest from their disordered thoughts.

She pulled up a few hours later and took out the car seat. I had taken the kids for a walk, then played out back until it got cold. She asked meekly if she could come in and see the kids, like I was going to say "no!" and like she would have accepted that. What kind of person does she think I am? Short of her showing up at 3AM on my day asking to see them because she is distraught (this may come when her new r/s explodes... . it's a pattern, I know her pattern before me and it wasn't good), I won't ever deny her access to them, though if she makes a habit of just starting to show up, I will enact some boundaries. She left me a box of soup (they are both sick), though I ended up feeding them different things after she left. She kissed the kids and I could see her starting to cry. She was kind of in tears on the way out, saying she'd see them on Saturday morning. I felt sadness and pity for her, even a bit of lingering love. I also know how her mirror will come out when she goes to the other. We agreed on a schedule until the end of the month, then go to something agreed upon (which is similar to the one my lawyer suggested for young children) starting next month. I will, meanwhile, batten down the hatches financially due to the amount of CS and suddenly half the daycare I will be paying. But that's life, I'll make it somehow.

[Matt]

Sounds like you're making progress.  Getting her out of the house was a big step!

Some ideas... .

First, get your own car seats, and anything else you need to take care of the kids.  Don't be dependent on her.  She can passive-aggressively "forget" things, or bring them at the wrong time - anything to create chaos.  By having your own stuff, you remove one reason for contact between you.

Second, change the locks.  Don't invite her into your home any more, unless it's an emergency involving the kids.  Every time she comes into your home, there is a big risk of something going wrong.  She can start an argument, and then claim you threatened her or hurt her somehow.  There is no practical, safe way to remove her from your home once she is inside.

Finally, watch out for people who "call her to see if it's OK".  It means you don't really have a relationship with that person - she does - she is in charge and you are dancing to her tune.  Find someone to watch the kids who has nothing to do with your ex, and make arrangements directly with that person.

You're at the beginning of a process of getting your life separated from hers.  It will never be complete, til the kids are grown, but you can step by step remove the tangles and make sure you only deal with her by e-mail, and only practical matters related to the kids.  No phone or face-to-face if you can avoid it.

[gary seven]

. But that's life, I'll make it somehow.

Turkish:

You are my hero.  Us Dads have such a reverse discrimination and predjucial soap operas and laws stacked against us, that I find your courage to do what you gotta do so amazing.  Not to dismiss the women on the board, they too have it bad.  But guys are not programmed like girls (we are different species, after all). 

Matt has some great idea, and they are ones I will incorporate when it comes time. 

[Turkish]

Thanks, garyseven... .

Matt, good ideas. I'll go get another car seat today... . leave her the old one. S4 is 95th percentile size wise for his age, technically could be in a booster, but I'll probably get him a nice seat. He's got 20 more lbs to go before he outgrows it. Sorry, thinking out loud.

The alarm makes the rekeying moot, but I may drop in a keypad lock into the deadbolt anyway. Her mom watches both kids. I don't have a problem with that (saves us about half the cost of CC). They are very sympathetic to me. I did distance myself from family functions and holidays the last few months, though I did attend S4's birthday party. It was fine. Their little cousins still call me uncle. Very family centric culture, once in always in. I don't foresee going to really anymore functions. I may say her moms house will be the new pick up/drop off point. Should be feasible for most situations. There is still my immature desire to gaslight her so she can see how radically I change the house... . buys me nothing though, just a continued focus on her.

She will still try the anxious mother/controlling behavior. Criticized me for dressing the baby wrong for the cold when I showed her a pic of our trip when I took the kids out of town a few days for christmas. Learned my lesson with that one. Texted me yesterday if I put D1 in a proper jacket for the cold when I dropped them off at the neighbors yesterday. A friend at work saw this and said don't answer her, so I didn't, and she didn't follow up. She also asked me if I left D1 alone with anyone when I took them out of town last week while she was out of state visiting family. I said no, but those kind of things aren't her business, no? Afraid of a molester, even though he knows my friends... . who are life long and trustworthy. I will get to the lessons to learn how to engage with such behavior... . will also have a list of questions for my lawyer concerning my rights. She is accepting me file, as she doesn't have a lawyer. Its all fair and guideline, nothing hidden. She is appreciative of me handling it. One more thing she doesn't want to deal with. Took me months to "convince" her to file with the court as she wanted to do everything under the table. No! Some immigrant cultural aspect to that, but that's not my problem.

All in all, she still looks to me as a type of father figure, and wants to keep a good friendship for advice and support. I recently realized that objectively, I'm still her best friend. Well, she's no friend of mine, and once the stipulation and CS gets filed, those boundaries come down harder. She doesn't hate me, does respect me. Maybe some form of friendship later, FAR later. Happened with a buddy of mine who got it worse than I did, similar situation. Took them about 6 years though. He also kept a good r/s with his xMIL (they had a business deal as well). I get advice of 2 degrees of seperation, but I've seen a few other cases where inter family relations remain friendly, so I guess its up to me... . with boundaries. Her family has always known she's difficult, and one little brother even told her he knew this was coming (not a surprise). They are sad for the kids and for me. I don't need their validation (the truth vslidates itself), but it does feel a bit good.

[Matt]

Where I live, the best way to get a car seat and other baby stuff - it costs a ton and you'll only use it for a short time, so used is best - is garage sales and Craigslist.  Garage sales - you have to go super-early because baby stuff goes fast.  A car seat that costs $99 at Target, if you find one in good condition you might get it for $20 or $30, but it will be gone within minutes of when the sale is supposed to start (if not before).  Saturdays better than Sundays because all the baby stuff will be gone.

[Turkish]

Where I live, the best way to get a car seat and other baby stuff - it costs a ton and you'll only use it for a short time, so used is best - is garage sales and Craigslist.  Garage sales - you have to go super-early because baby stuff goes fast.  A car seat that costs $99 at Target, if you find one in good condition you might get it for $20 or $30, but it will be gone within minutes of when the sale is supposed to start (if not before).  Saturdays better than Sundays because all the baby stuff will be gone.

Good advice. My mom was an epic garage saler in my youth. I'll be doing that for clothes, not telling her. She has this complex about resenting how poor they were when the emigrated here, but I had it far worse (few people could match my story, actually, its the stuff of fiction), but I'm a realist. 

I just measured him and though 20 more lbs away, he's only 6 inches below the maximum height for the current seat. I'll probably give her the seat and get a booster. I could tell her to buy a booster, but given she dropping a lot of tasks recently, it would probably be better for me to just do it.

[Matt]

Yeah, as much as you can just do yourself, without involving her, the better.  This way you can just pick up the kids and go.

[maxen]

She asked meekly if she could come in and see the kids, like I was going to say "no!"

i hate that rhetorical trick.

[Turkish]

I got the 2-stage booster, only like $35 (cheaper than on Amazon) today.

She just called to say hi to the kids... . then started telling me about her work day (as if I cared... . this animosity is wholly on my side, I need to work on this somehow, but with boundaries). I segued into telling her about the booster, and I would give it to her (deducting from her last severance check, I didn't say) when she picks them up tomorrow. She sounded appreciative, but then I always did all that type of stuff, even I was the only one who went to the car seat install parking lot class, researched, bought, etc. I said I'd keep the [really nice] 3-point I have for S4, as it should last him until next fall, then get him the cheap booster, and transfer D2 by that time into his super nice seat which I had only bought this spring. That leaves her to worry about a seat for D2 when she outgrows the one she has in mom's car now. I think that is a good plan... . I'm sure I'll get the inevitable search for validation and advice by that time, though, but I feel like telling her "figure it out, I'd not your dad!"

[GaGrl]

Check out children's consignment shops also... . clothes and equipment, good prices, and already cleaned up.

[Turkish]

Check out children's consignment shops also... . clothes and equipment, good prices, and already cleaned up.

Good idea, I don't know if they have anything like that here, but I will start focusing on researching kids' needs rather than just running to the mall or outlets like their mom does. The one good thing for clothes, at least on her sided, is that coming from a huge family, they get lots of clothes for birthdays and holidays. She left me with plenty of clothes for them. I'm into getting shoes at Wally World, for example, not having to go to the outlet kids' store for $40 baby shoes, because "cheap shoes might mess up her posture" It's all of these weird little beliefs that I won't miss.

[gary seven]

Check out children's consignment shops also... . clothes and equipment, good prices, and already cleaned up.

And there are a ton of religious houses of worship that do spring and fall sales.  Check your region... . just google spring consignment sales.  There are bargains in all departments.  I usually wait until the last day when all the stuff is half-off the asking price---great for books, toys and games.  Also the overpriced nice stuff , if the seller so desires, can also be half-off.  Otherwise they have to cart it back home in their shopping box.  Hint: bring a large laundry basket with a rope to drag around the sales floor.  Seriously.

Makes the carrying a whole lot easier.