the running away

[Tyrwhitt]

I think I cope as well as I can, largely nowadays by only talking about the dog, dinner or offering cups of coffee. I can't see any point in cajoling discussion about anything real as my BPDh will look for conflict. He's in a depression, not washing, shaving etc and oh the hours spent looking at properties to run away to on the internet, all in my full view, more mind games.

I heard him trying to make a doctors appt this week, I've no idea if he succeeded as here in the UK, it's not easy. The receptionists are like guard dogs and you can lose heart trying to get an appt. 

In the meantime, I'm struggling with boundaries to this running away obsession. I try not to look, but it's hard and it taps into massive uncertainties as I feel I'm waiting for 'that' conversation. I can't afford to buy his half of the house out, but is this obsession typical of the trapped BPD mind? How would you handle it? He's being quite nice as he's not being challenged about anything. I have a meaningless marriage, 19 years tomorrow. Would I do it again ... . no!

[Surnia]

Tyrwhitt,

I am sorry to hear all this. 19 years married, a very long time. Being undecided is a very hard place. 

What are the reasons keeping you in this marriage?

[Kifazes]

I don't have any real advise I can give you.

But I can tell you that you're not alone.

Mine kept saying this too. Always browsing online to look for other places, constantly expressing his need to live on his own.

In the beginning we would talk about it, but the more that converstation came up, to less I could care. At the end, I didn't even react anymore. If he would look for places, good for him.

This day, the relationship is over for me. He is again saying that he wants a place of his own and sell the house (he had a major trigger last week). We NEED to live here for two more years or we have to pay a fine to the bank. But, when he really wants to leave, I won't stop him, and I will (50/50) pay the fine. I can't do it anymore.

So, sorry that this isn't helpfull, but you're not alone in this :-)

Bon courage!

[Tyrwhitt]

Thanks for your replies, I think I've stayed put for strange reasons, usually his desire to sort himself out. Of course, it never happened, despite meds and counselling. I'm cynical now but it seemed right at the time. Now, I'm aging, have a terrific house and friends around me and starting a business from home.

But you're right, I'm tiring of the running away and need to work on myself to let it go. If he chooses to leave, and I suspect he won't as he'd have to actually do something, then I''ll let him. I'm not afraid of life on my own, merely the upheaval to the security I've built for myself. Thinking of him as I would a lodger helps, too.

Ironically, he ran off six weeks before our wedding, I should have let Jim carry on running!