Feeling Defeated By Bad Memories

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone. I've posted mostly on the "Staying and Improving" board but am having a much harder time with seeing myself staying in my marriage for the long run. In some ways I feel like I'm going through the 5 phases of grieving in regard to our relationship. My uBPD wife and I have been together for nearly a decade and it has been a very slow, painful decade at that. I'm 29 now and look back on my twenties and think "Why? Why did I waste so much emotional energy and time with this one person who brought so much havoc in my life?" Of course I know why. I love her and it wasn't all bad. She has made me a better man in many ways and has always supported me, in spite of herself (and me). But I'm tired. And I shouldn't feel this damn tired for my age.

I love my wife and sheer force of will and my blind love for her has been keeping our relationship going for as long as it has but I'm nearly out of energy and I don't know if I can be the one to keep it going. I mentioned in a previous post that I just want an apology from my uBPDw for all the abuse and problems she caused in our relationship. A board advisor recommended I look into the concept of "radical acceptance" since my wife will likely never take responsibility for, nor apologize for hurting me. And honestly, even if she did apologize... . what does that change now? It feels all too little, too late for me. Truth is, I can't accept things for what they are much longer.

I also find it very hard to be empathetic and understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder, at least, in regard to my wife likely has this illness. I'm generally a very understanding and open minded person who takes people as they are. I'm about as laid back and understanding as they come. But I can't accept her illness. And that makes me feel bad just thinking/saying that because I promised her my love and shared commitment together for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. And God knows she is sick with BPD and childhood trauma. I didn't sign up for this. No one does. But I also do not feel it necessarily gives me the right to leave. But its damn hard to stay. I just don't even know where I stand in this marriage anymore.

I don't know what I really meant to achieve with this post. I just needed to vent.

[ATLandon]

Hey everyone. I've posted mostly on the "Staying and Improving" board but am having a much harder time with seeing myself staying in my marriage for the long run. In some ways I feel like I'm going through the 5 phases of grieving in regard to our relationship. My uBPD wife and I have been together for nearly a decade and it has been a very slow, painful decade at that. I'm 29 now and look back on my twenties and think "Why? Why did I waste so much emotional energy and time with this one person who brought so much havoc in my life?" Of course I know why. I love her and it wasn't all bad. She has made me a better man in many ways and has always supported me, in spite of herself (and me). But I'm tired. And I shouldn't feel this damn tired for my age.

I love my wife and sheer force of will and my blind love for her has been keeping our relationship going for as long as it has but I'm nearly out of energy and I don't know if I can be the one to keep it going. I mentioned in a previous post that I just want an apology from my uBPDw for all the abuse and problems she caused in our relationship. A board advisor recommended I look into the concept of "radical acceptance" since my wife will likely never take responsibility for, nor apologize for hurting me. And honestly, even if she did apologize... . what does that change now? It feels all too little, too late for me. Truth is, I can't accept things for what they are much longer.

I also find it very hard to be empathetic and understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder, at least, in regard to my wife likely has this illness. I'm generally a very understanding and open minded person who takes people as they are. I'm about as laid back and understanding as they come. But I can't accept her illness. And that makes me feel bad just thinking/saying that because I promised her my love and shared commitment together for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. And God knows she is sick with BPD and childhood trauma. I didn't sign up for this. No one does. But I also do not feel it necessarily gives me the right to leave. But its damn hard to stay. I just don't even know where I stand in this marriage anymore.

I don't know what I really meant to achieve with this post. I just needed to vent.

[Surnia]

Hi ATLandon

I hear a lot of exhaustion and some guilt in your words, a hard place to be. 

I think its good to write these thoughts down too! And realizing that you are more tired than normal. Being tired for a longer period could be a sign that you are dealing with some sort of depression. 

Taking good care for yourself is one of the very important things in these kind of relationships. Time for yourself, doing things you like, perhaps also a day or two without her... . is this possible or is it very difficult for you?

[earthgirl]

Hi ATLandon,

I am sorry you are struggling so much with this right now.  I know that sometimes it can seem very bleak, can't it?  It's hard to know where to draw the line.  Please don't feel guilty for what you are feeling.  It's a very normal, understandable response.  We all have felt what you are feeling. 

Earthgirl

[Vanityvanity]

I was lying beside him cuddling on Valentine's Day, and suddenly remembered all the nights I'd lain there crying alone after he left me and was gone for two months. And during the two break-ups before that, I remembered, it took me so long to stop yearning to be held by him. Lying alone in that bed I used to kick and punch "his" side of it because I was in such pain and so angry at being left by him.

I am exhausted. I talked it over with a counsellor today who said maybe I'm feeling the anger I have over him dumping me. I was so happy and relieved when he came back a few weeks ago. Now all that pain is coming to the surface.

One thing: I can find loads of things about people having to forgive an unfaithful lover, but nothing about a lover who "only" walks away and doesn't have sex with someone else. I see that as an equal betrayal. He left me, he lives with his parents, that became his world: then when that wasn't enough for him, he picked me up again.

She's right. I am angry.

So why don't we talk about it, for the tenth time, so he can say nice things and blah blah blah.

I wanted him to come back SO MUCH. Now I feel exhausted and sick of him. My only sadness is that the dream seems dead.

I wonder if anyone else has been through this.

[ATLandon]

I hear a lot of exhaustion and some guilt in your words, a hard place to be... .

Taking good care for yourself is one of the very important things in these kind of relationships. Time for yourself, doing things you like, perhaps also a day or two without her... . is this possible or is it very difficult for you?

There is definitely exhaustion. Luckily, I'm not depressed. I'm actually in a fairly good place in my life right now. I think because of that it has put me in the position to be able to look at my life objectively and analyze what has really been going on in my life and relationship the last 10 years.

I'm working on taking care of myself, though it is hard for me to. I've been taking care of everyone else since my teen years and its a difficult habit to break. It is extremely difficult for me to do things that I enjoy, much less get alone time. However I'm planning a weekend "me time" trip sometime later this month or the beginning of next month to get some much needed silence.

[Surnia]

I'm working on taking care of myself, though it is hard for me to. I've been taking care of everyone else since my teen years and its a difficult habit to break. It is extremely difficult for me to do things that I enjoy, much less get alone time.

Yes, I am familiar with it too. The good thing is, we can unlearn it. For me it is important to look both sides - which is my side of the street and which not. My needs - friends/SO/co-worker's needs. My emotions - his/her emotions.

In the beginning of this I felt easily caught by sort of panic I could end as completely selfish and egoistic. Slowly it is getting better now.

Keep going, AtLandon, every little step counts! 

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate to all of this.  I could have written nearly the exact same thing, except we have been together a year, and we are not married.  But we've talked about marriage, and I balk.  I balk because even though she's less mean to me, the memories of that meanness are still with me, and come up fresh every time she gets in a bad mood.  Posts like this are helpful to me, because it shows me what may be in 10 years should we get married.  I'm exhausted now.  And unless her behaviors change or I just quit caring about her moods, then I know in my gut this can't go on.