Sometimes I can't stand him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It makes me feel horrible.  I love him, but more and more I'm finding myself despising him for the things he does to me.  Some of it I let him do; I end up feeling so exhausted by him both physically and emotionally. 

I understand he doesn't "get" that I can't be in contact with him all day long, things like that, but it's not worth a seven hour diatribe about how me taking an hour to return his call means I don't love him, that my actions show idgaf, it would have only taken five minutes to call him back, if he was important... .

You get it. 

And I can't tell him enough I love him. 

If I don't say I love him first it means I don't love him.

If I don't text him for four hours straight, because I am in meetings, I'll get a barrage of texts about how it only takes a second to text an "I love you"... .

He stays awake all night in case I might text him during the night.  He texts me from behind the podium while he's lecturing a class. Because I don't and won't do these things it means I don't love him as much as he loves me.

All the horrible things I do.  Every.single.day.  But he assures me I'm perfect, no one will ever love me like he does, I can do no wrong in his eyes, he buys me lavish gifts and treats me like a queen... . but im the most evil being in.the world, my deepest desire is to hurt him and wrench his heart out.

End rant.

[AllisG]

It makes me feel horrible.  I love him, but more and more I'm finding myself despising him for the things he does to me.  Some of it I let him do; I end up feeling so exhausted by him both physically and emotionally. 

I understand he doesn't "get" that I can't be in contact with him all day long, things like that, but it's not worth a seven hour diatribe about how me taking an hour to return his call means I don't love him, that my actions show idgaf, it would have only taken five minutes to call him back, if he was important... .

You get it. 

And I can't tell him enough I love him. 

If I don't say I love him first it means I don't love him.

If I don't text him for four hours straight, because I am in meetings, I'll get a barrage of texts about how it only takes a second to text an "I love you"... .

He stays awake all night in case I might text him during the night.  He texts me from behind the podium while he's lecturing a class. Because I don't and won't do these things it means I don't love him as much as he loves me.

All the horrible things I do.  Every.single.day.  But he assures me I'm perfect, no one will ever love me like he does, I can do no wrong in his eyes, he buys me lavish gifts and treats me like a queen... . but im the most evil being in.the world, my deepest desire is to hurt him and wrench his heart out.

End rant.

[letmeout]

No one will ever love me like he does

I got those words on a daily basis almost; such manipulation and brainwashing.

Tread carefully because it does get worse. Read the forums. Know what is coming.

[AllisG]

Sadly, I know that.

But you know how when it's good, it's amazing. It feels perfect, it feels like it's all worth it, you feel guilty for your "misdeeds"... . like liking your BIL pic on fb... . you think it'll be all better.  Maybe.  Hopefully.   Then you say the wrong thing, or react the wrong way... . and suddenly you feel like you're drowning. 

I try to validate... . but he turns my understanding and validation into an agreement... . that I agree I should have called him before the cow jumped over the moon instead of afyer the cat played the fiddle... . or some other random, arbitrary, contrived time he's chosen as my deadline. 

Yes, it's been a rough day.

[Clearmind]

AllisG - Welcome!

How are you with setting boundaries?

Often times when we don't protect ourselves with limits and boundaries or remove ourselves from situations that escalate we feel invalidated and we can breed extreme resentment.

   

If I don't say I love him first it means I don't love him.

If I don't text him for four hours straight, because I am in meetings, I'll get a barrage of texts about how it only takes a second to text an "I love you"... .

We set up a pattern if we continue to respond. He needs to learn to self soothe himself.

He fears abandonment. Using S.E.T can help here.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Him: you don't love me and never return my texts, phone calls. You are horrible.

You:

(S) I am worried about how you are feeling.

(E) I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me. How frustrating this must be for you.

(T) This is what I can do. When I am out of my meeting and not busy at work I can return your call or text.

Alli we validate the emotions not the behaviour. If he gets super angry and critical and calls you names - then boundaries need to be set. "I will not be spoken to like that. I will terminate the call if you continue and will talk later when you have calmed down".

[max101]

Again with these "techniques". I am just going to go ahead and say this even if it offends you. This is crap.

I tried to use the "SET technique" in many situations. Actually "try" is the wrong word since I am naturally like this. Very calm, assertive and full of understanding but guess what my ex never accepted it.

She even called it "fake nice and full off understanding". They love your anger and any sign that you are dealing with their bull as  a normal, sane and calm person scares them and makes them even more angry.

You know what, leave now and never look back, move to another country if you have to but start living YOUR life.

All the techniques are always about them, their feelings and making them calm while internally doing so much damage to YOU!

[lauren50]

She even called it "fake nice and full off understanding". They love your anger and any sign that you are dealing with their bull as  a normal, sane and calm person scares them and makes them even more angry.

You know what, leave now and never look back, move to another country if you have to but start living YOUR life.

All the techniques are always about them, their feelings and making them calm while internally doing so much damage to YOU!

My uBPDh tells me I'm just "saying what he wants to hear". When I try to act calm and not react emotionally, it is the worst. It's like he knows how to function when he's feeding off my emotions but suddenly when there is none, it's like he combusts. I am still working on using the techniques, because I feel like it's in my best interest to not engage in the drama. However, it doesn't do anything for him

[tiredndown]

It feels like a mature way to reply. Training yourself to be the better person and not get caught up in their drama. It's all about the drama, like a drug to them.

[max101]

It feels like a mature way to reply. Training yourself to be the better person and not get caught up in their drama. It's all about the drama, like a drug to them.

Don't you get tired of being the "better person". This is why I cannot accept these techniques. Maybe they work with some BPD's but even then it outrageous that it's always us "nons" doing the adapting since we did nothing wrong.

Every time I hear about these techniques I remember a proven medical fact:

- Keeping negative emotions inside yourself can cause real physical damage as well as mental.

By using these techniques this is exactly what you are doing, why do I say this, look at my example:

HER: You probably looked at her the same ways as you look at me and probably loved her even more.

ME: I am really sorry if I have done something to make you feel neglected. She was a childhood relationship that I never think about and that has no meaning in my life. I look at you like this because I love you and I did not love her ever.

HER: You are lying, you are such a ass.

So I try to move on to different topics, be gentle, calm and caring BUT it does not help, she continues with rage or ignoring. At the same time I feel my heart beat going crazy, choking and a feeling of self hate.

They are adults, responsible for their actions and under no religious guidelines, cultural or moral rules are you obliged to destroy your sanity for anybody. This discovery has saved me.

[tiredndown]

Don't you get tired of being the "better person".

Yes, in every way I am tired of it. I would like nothing more than for her to try and be the better person at least once. In my situation I have children. I need to be very careful about what they see fro be because they are learning how to act in these situations.

It is my hope that I can teach them better ways to handle frustration as they grow.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I agree that the resources don't really provide a lot about taking care of ourselves. I had neglected on that, think it was because I was too focused on her issues. It takes a lot of compassion and effort to put someone else first before ourselves. I have seen it in other ways; if you had a child who is very sick, would you just leave them to take care of yourself? It's the struggle to accept them that they are unable control their emotions and behavior that triggers the alarm inside us. I found out that radical acceptance was one of the major obstacles and if that was not possible, things could not get better. I was told that having a support system is important, I have not found mine, but that does not mean I have to give up.

[unicorn2014]

Allis, people are right. It doesn't get better it only gets worse, unless he gets treatment, so if you want to stay with him, you're going to have to learn to set firm boundaries. If you're not in therapy yourself I would encourage it.

[max101]

I agree that the resources don't really provide a lot about taking care of ourselves. I had neglected on that, think it was because I was too focused on her issues. It takes a lot of compassion and effort to put someone else first before ourselves. I have seen it in other ways; if you had a child who is very sick, would you just leave them to take care of yourself? It's the struggle to accept them that they are unable control their emotions and behavior that triggers the alarm inside us. I found out that radical acceptance was one of the major obstacles and if that was not possible, things could not get better. I was told that having a support system is important, I have not found mine, but that does not mean I have to give up.

I am sorry but you are using the wrong analogy. A child that is sick has temporary issues and with time and through your support will get over them, They are in a ways helpless as a consequence of their age and lack of experience in life. However people with BPD are adults and adapting your life to them as if they were kids is harmful to you and actually ignores the problem. It is not selfish to put yourself first, that's why in planes you put YOUR oxygen mask on first and than your kids, without your survival he/she has no chance either.

[Love Is Not Enough]

In my situation I have children. I need to be very careful about what they see fro be because they are learning how to act in these situations.

It is my hope that I can teach them better ways to handle frustration as they grow.

Ditto

I have been reading a fantastic book by Dr. Gottman called "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" that uses emotional coaching to help children deal with frustration and extreme emotions. Yes, I am sure you have already tied my description to BPD through your BPD-colored lenses. It is similar to SET and teaches you how to teach children to self soothe and come up with their own solutions to problems. This empowers them while getting emotional support (empathy) from you. I am not even done with the book yet, but have been practicing the techniques on my SD5 and SD3 and have already see improvement. It builds a bond with them that you are their partner and not their dictator.

Last night I went to get my SD3 out of time out and she asked me to "talk" with her like she had seen me do with her sister earlier in the day. I was blown away that a 3 year old could discern this change in my communication style and request it. I always talk to them when I enforce rules, but I can already see the difference "emotional coaching" makes.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I do see your point of view. What I meant was that emotionally they can be like a child when dis-regulated, as least in my case. Ideally they should cope with their overwhelming issues and be able to adapt to others' feelings too. But I think people with BPD are struggling to do that, and I agree treating them as children would not help. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

I am sorry but you are using the wrong analogy. A child that is sick has temporary issues and with time and through your support will get over them, They are in a ways helpless as a consequence of their age and lack of experience in life. However people with BPD are adults and adapting your life to them as if they were kids is harmful to you and actually ignores the problem. It is not selfish to put yourself first, that's why in planes you put YOUR oxygen mask on first and than your kids, without your survival he/she has no chance either.

[MissTajo]

I got those words on a daily basis almost; such manipulation and brainwashing.

Tread carefully because it does get worse. Read the forums. Know what is coming.

I understand the advice but maybe not. I had this exact same problem. He isnt capable of working for the last seven years so he has a loottttt of time on his hands to think... . Which is NOT good. In the first months I HAD to tell him I love him in EVERY SINGLE TEXT! In every single phone call or all hell would break loose. I am at work. With the president of my company. And he INSISTED that if I didnt have the guts to tell him I loved him in a phone call that I was ashamed to be his girlfriend. At first, to avoid confrontation I did. And it was uncomfortable. So I stopped saying it. I put my foot down and said: This is my job. I don't want those people I work with to hear me say I love you on the phone. It makes a weak point about my professional side. So I will not do it in front of them. BUT, I will still call you during the day and if I can manage to be a little alone while doing that I would be happy to tell you a million times that I love you so you dont forget it.

And so it is. And it worked. And it was not easy but its not a discussion topic any more.

[max101]

Ok, so the whole "phone call I love you", is not a discussion but don't kid yourself, other topics will surface.

Actually, be honest to yourself, is he giving you crap for any other "horrible" things you do?

[AllisG]

My SO gives me crap every.single.day about every.horrible.thing I do.  I make him feel worthless because I don't keep his used tissues as mementos or some other insignificant thing. 

[Moselle]

Allis, people are right. It doesn't get better it only gets worse, unless he gets treatment, so if you want to stay with him, you're going to have to learn to set firm boundaries. If you're not in therapy yourself I would encourage it.

LifeisBeautiful I can empathise with you. I have found myself in a similar situation, and recognise your focus on the person with BPD. Alot of what they do is to make people with compassion pay attention to them.

[Moselle]

My SO gives me crap every.single.day about every.horrible.thing I do.  I make him feel worthless because I don't keep his used tissues as mementos or some other insignificant thing. 

AllisG. I'm new to this thing, so I don't have alot of experience of recovery to speak of, but I have set my first boundary with my BPD significant other. Two days ago, she was screaming at me over the phone, and I said "You're hurting me and if you continue I'm not going to speak to you for two days. This is to take care of myself". She continued with an even louder voice, so I invoked the 2 day silence. I phoned her this morning and she was as as sweet as honey.

I know there are tougher challenges ahead, but when it gets too difficult again, I know I can invoke the 2 day silence.

I learned from a post on this site, that its useful because two days is not a threat of leaving forever, and to say 'this is to take care of myself' takes the whole focus away from the nonsense, and firmly into self preservation.

Good luck with setting your boundaries

[unicorn2014]

Allis, people are right. It doesn't get better it only gets worse, unless he gets treatment, so if you want to stay with him, you're going to have to learn to set firm boundaries. If you're not in therapy yourself I would encourage it.

LifeisBeautiful I can empathise with you. I have found myself in a similar situation, and recognise your focus on the person with BPD. Alot of what they do is to make people with compassion pay attention to them.

I'm unicorn, was that addressed to me? That is an interesting point. In al-anon we learn to keep the focus on ourself.

[letmeout]

My Therapist had finally talked me into taking care of myself so I started attending some classes and got back into my artist group to start painting again.

It seems that taking care of yourself instead of just your BPD partner does not go over well with them. Mine wanted my world to only rotate around his world and his drama.

Trying to take care of me triggered in him the craziest behaviors you can imagine.

Using SET techniques or trying to have any type of communication flew out the window, nothing worked. He eventually became too dangerous to be around and I had to divorce him. 

[drv3006]

I don't have anything profound to say except that the title of this thread says it all.   I mean, it is exactly how it is.  Exactly how I feel.  Mine does the same thing.  I went to bed and that meant I didn't care.   The only thing I personaly might change in the title of this thread is "Most of the time I can't stand him"