It's been another year...

[saitek]

I frequent this site from time to time when I hit my lows and feel squashed by my BPDw. Everyone here has been a great help in getting the wind back under my wings and giving me hope and ideas on how to walk my path. I find my self pondering the usual question only now it's migrated from "should I stay or should I go... . " to "how and when should I go and how will I deal with the fallout".

I want to be free but I'm still tied down by guilt, the guilt I feel for leaving her... . the guilt I feel in splitting up our home and the havoc that no doubt will bring down on our 8yr old D. She still hasn't gotten a job, she still hasn't cleaned up or organized our home, she's picked up smoking again and the other night I half caught her on a "private" phone conversation with a guy she plays video games with online. A call she felt the need to try and hide from me?

She sits around most of the day and plays on her computer... . when there's dishes to do laundry to be done and our house is still mostly boxed up and we are going on year 3 of having moved here! I mean I'm not trying to be a typical male but she's not working... . if you are married and not working your job defaults to "home maker" in my book. If she were the bread winner and I was home all day you better believe I'd have hit done.

I pay all our bills and take care of all our financial responsibilities. I feel like I have a second child for a partner. I give her money and small responsibilities but she can't be trusted to handle anything more than 2 tasks at a time or I catch an ear full of guilt laden excuses about how nothing is her fault and she's too tired or sick to do anything. Weeks go by and very little gets done. I've been conducting an experiment and made a note of how long it has taken her to put the vacuum cleaner away... . she vacuumed and left the cord strung out in the bathroom floor... out the door into the hallway where the vacuum sits it's been over 3 weeks... . our Christmas tree has yet to be taken down... . Over the course of any given day I can only expect her to accomplish 2-3 objectives:  1). She'll wash a few loads of laundry, dry it and then flop it on the couch in the living room (she's too busy to fold and put it away) 2). Then she will do 1 load of dishes... . and that's usually it. On some occasions she will run errands and get groceries (this of course has been an improvement from about 5 yrs ago when she wouldn't even do that).

So aside from this being a huge rant of me venting into cyber space... . I guess my only real question is... . Am I making the right choice to wait untill my D is older before I end our marriage... . should I do it now? Should I try and wait another 10yrs and hope for the best? Every time i try to sit down and talk to my BPDw about her behaviors such as yelling and ranting at our d over discipline issues. My BPDw is sometimes verbally abusive and angry towards our D for being an 8yr old child. It seems as though my BPDw expects her to be an adult and holds her accountable to that scale. I find myself coaching my D and telling her to do what she needs to, to make mommie happy so she wont yell at her and I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by doing that? I've been wrapped in this webbed haze for soo long I question what is right or wrong all the time and my bearings are blurred and disoriented.

Of course our D is a stubborn little girl and she can become quite hard to wrangle but I don't think resorting to overly cruel words is the way to fix it... . but again im cloudy on the issue.

And there are good times... . my BPDw can be warm and loving and competent partner. She will accomplish goals and show me she has confidence in her self. But it never lasts... . I'm soo sick of the constant in-stability one day here the next day there it's rubbing my sanity raw. Most people wouldn't understand my situation but it's the good times that are shackling me down. Unlike her I don't forget them at a moments notice... . I wish sometimes I could.

[Surnia]

Hi Saitek

I hear your frustration about the household task, the insecurities about the expectations toward your daughter and also that you are here again after quite some time. 

A year before you started here on the Undecided board - are you familiar with the board LESSONS? Perhaps this could be something to explore. Its not my intention to say you should stay forever - its more about trying and perhaps make you stronger for a next step... .

Part 2 of the Lessons is about us: Understanding your role in the relationship.

What do you think about it?

As for the household tasks: Is there some way to do it from time to time as fun together, like next saturday we will burn the tree, clean the room and making a nice meal/barbecue?

[saitek]

Part 2 of the Lessons is about us: Understanding your role in the relationship.

What do you think about it?

I've read through it I've also read various books and been to see a T on my own. How I feel about it?... . It depresses me. I see my self changing my ways and dancing around her and I don't want this life... . It's true I've been an enabler in the past before I realized the issues. I often feel responsible for her happiness. I don't want to anymore. I feel like I'm going to spend my life... . being a caregiver and when will I ever get to be free and happy when will my life be drama free and stable? My BPDw is high-functioning though and she's aware of her issues and has tried in the past to combat them but her attempts always fail or loose steam after just a few weeks of trying.

I feel like we have good times together though and I can't sort it out and decide if i only feel that because of the obligation and the guilt or if I'm truly happy sometimes.

As for the household tasks: Is there some way to do it from time to time as fun together, like next saturday we will burn the tree, clean the room and making a nice meal/barbecue?

I've tried making it a group thing but i end up being the group by myself. She makes excuses and finds reasons not to do what needs to be done. So... I have to finish it or it wont get finished.

[maxsterling]

I hear ya on the household tasks.  My GF has been living with me almost a year now.  I do 95% of the housework, and 95% of the cooking.  She's responsible for her own laundry, and that is about it.  She is currently unemployed, and feels shame over not taking care of herself.  And the shame tends to demotivate her, rather than motivate her to do better.

In my case, she does feel more motivated if I help her - make the bed, or fold the laundry.  She asks what she can do to help, but usually complains while doing it.  I don't want to give her "chores".  I don't want to tell her to do the things most 38 year olds should know how to do on their own.  I don't want to feel like her parent.  I don't want to make cleaning or cooking a "group activity" unless that is a means to her eventually doing it on her own.  I worry that making it a "group activity" would only enable her and allow her to blame me if I am unavailable to help.

But I really don't care if she cooks or cleans or not, as long as she is not leaving huge messes for me to clean up.  Sure, it would make my life easier, but I took care of myself before her.  What does bother me are the constant negative comments about the house being messy or being hungry when she does nothing to alleviate the situation.  For example - she may go into the bathroom and complain about hair on the floor - "that's just so disgusting!  I don't understand how it gets this messy!"  meanwhile, I am the only one that cleans.  I've known people who are slobs before, but they are happy slobs and as long as they are in their own space, I can be okay with it.  But she is the type who never cleans, yet is a neat freak.

[Surnia]

I hear you about being tired in your caregiver role. No, you are not responsible for her happiness.

As for myself: I wasn't successful with work/household balance in my marriage either. First after divorce my H started to search for work seriously.

About the moments of happiness - the last of this moment, how long is it since?

And how about the relationship - are you doing things together, you and your wife?

[saitek]

About the moments of happiness - the last of this moment, how long is it since?

we watched a movie together in the living room a few weeks ago. We share a similar sense of humor and laugh at things but she can turn on me in less than 5 seconds if something snags her wrong... . and it's that issue that I'm tired of. The knee jerk extreme reactions to things and her inability to deal with even a small amount of stress.

And how about the relationship - are you doing things together, you and your wife?

She hardly ever wants to get out of the house or away from her computer and her online "friends" in SecondLife. I try to say "hey it's a nice day lets go for a walk" and her excuses usually range from "im too tired" to "i have a headache". What really urks me is when she puts playing a game ahead of the responsibilities she's neglecting at home... she hardly ever spends any fun quality time with our D she just tells her to watch a movie or play a game by her self. When I get home from work in the evenings I don't touch my pc untill it's my D's bed time... . I play legos with her or watch a movie and help with what homework she hasn't finished.

Honestly I think my BPDw has a video game addiction. I play games too in my free time but I don't let it take precedence over my real life responsibilities. And my fear is that if I tell her to turn it off... . she'll throw it back in my face that I get to game so why can't she? Gaming is my last little wedge of me time that I have left... . if that gets taken away i doubt i'll be able to cope as well as I have.

[Surnia]

Yes, this sounds like severe game addiction. 

You must feel quite alone sometimes in your marriage.

And its also sad for your daughter.