punishment or reality?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, after weeks of internet trawling to run away after I'd said I wanted to stay living here, my H said he wants to buy a property in rural Bulgaria. These are properties which are miles from anywhere, run down, cheap and he doesn't speak Bulgarian. I suggested he go and see the place first and looked up the buying process.

An hour before, he was chatting about his bowls club and the world seemed normal. But it never is, is it. I said I didn't want to move, he wants to run away. I asked how long his stays out there would be, he said 7 months or so.  I'm tempted to end the relationship as the stress is hard, always looking over my shoulder. Or I could let it run its course, and if he follows through and does go, address the relationship when he resurfaces. Do you think it's bluff to upset me on his part or real?  We have nice friends, lovely home, he's waited on hand and foot. Bulgaria would offer no facilities... . some places have no inside toilet or running water, and who would he talk to?

I wonder if I've reached the point where I don't care. We've just arranged a trip to south America for my 50th birthday, I did ask that we sort it out after that trip in April.  I can't see why I would want to remain with someone who wants to live away for many months a year. Or is th his another mental punishment?

[Tyrwhitt]

Hi, after weeks of internet trawling to run away after I'd said I wanted to stay living here, my H said he wants to buy a property in rural Bulgaria. These are properties which are miles from anywhere, run down, cheap and he doesn't speak Bulgarian. I suggested he go and see the place first and looked up the buying process.

An hour before, he was chatting about his bowls club and the world seemed normal. But it never is, is it. I said I didn't want to move, he wants to run away. I asked how long his stays out there would be, he said 7 months or so.  I'm tempted to end the relationship as the stress is hard, always looking over my shoulder. Or I could let it run its course, and if he follows through and does go, address the relationship when he resurfaces. Do you think it's bluff to upset me on his part or real?  We have nice friends, lovely home, he's waited on hand and foot. Bulgaria would offer no facilities... . some places have no inside toilet or running water, and who would he talk to?

I wonder if I've reached the point where I don't care. We've just arranged a trip to south America for my 50th birthday, I did ask that we sort it out after that trip in April.  I can't see why I would want to remain with someone who wants to live away for many months a year. Or is th his another mental punishment?

[MissyM]

Personally, I would be fine if my dBPDh lived far away 7 months out of the year!  Less time to deal with his disregulation.  It sounds like a fantasy, my dBPDh has geographical cure fantasies all the time.  They forget the adage, wherever you go there you are. 

[Surnia]

Hi Tyrwhitt

Perhaps it is a test? In a all or nothing kind of way?

I was in a similar situation with my exh who said he wanted to move to another country after we were there in holidays. I expressed my doubts and he interpreted as avoidance of my part. I said yes, I have doubts about how to earn a living there. So I said if you are really interested you start a business (he is good in internet things) now, which you can do from anywhere. He never did anything in this direction and he was very angry about me.

Its impossible to predict, my guess is more direction, no, he will not go.

Stick with your reality. 

[Tyrwhitt]

Thanks for your replies, I woke up today thinking 7 months, go for it!  As anything that involves action is done by me, perhaps I should sit on the sideline and watch.  Some of this is my refusing to uproot and follow which I guess moves into the abandonment area. 

I appreciate your sharing with me. I'm working hard on my reality and trying to keep my feet on the ground. Feeling that I can offload here helps me when my feet come off the ground.

[Surnia]

Feeling that I can offload here helps me when my feet come off the ground.

Nicely said, Tyrwhitt. I think this is something so important for all of us.