A progress test

[maxsterling]

last night she said she had bad dreams about me, where I was asking her to meet my ex girlfriends, and that one of them had a daughter that was mine.  She says she told one of the ex girlfriends that I had told her that I did not have many exes, and the ex girlfriend told her that wasn't true, and that I had many.

I responded by saying, "that sounds like a bad dream for me, too.  Thank God it was only a dream."

Before I left for work she did bring it up again.  I don't recall exactly what she said, but something like "that's not true, right?"  I can't remember if she asked me or she was just thinking out loud. 

the test - she so far didn't try and blame me for what happened in her dream, and really hasn't asked me to prove/validate that the dream was just a dream.  If I don't hear about it again - progress.  If she brings it up again later today - I see nothing has changed.  Based on track record, she's likely to bring it up again, claiming she knows it was just a dream, but I didn't do enough to calm her emotions or make her feel secure, again making her emotions my responsibility.

[Surnia]

I am wondering, maxsterling, what did you say after her question "that's not true, right?"

I am honest, I have mixed feelings about testing her. I know you are kind of suffering that she needs so much confirmation and validation, which I understand.

What is your intention behind the test?

[maxsterling]

Surnia- sorry to confuse.  I didn't mean I am testing her.  I meant to say this incident will illustrate whether the therapies or medications she has been taking the past few months have produced any changes, because a similar situation happened before where she blamed me for what happened in her dream.  There's nothing about this incident that I am trying to do anything different with or guide in any particular direction.  I'm just waiting to see how it unfolds. 

As to my response - I can't remember how she phrased it or how she directed it, but I responded simply by saying what happened in her dream wasn't true.  I'm not going to go down that road again of giving any more of an answer than "no".  Later, if she wants me to explain, prove, defend - I just won't do that.  In the event she wants more of a confirmation from me, therein lies a true test of my response.

[Surnia]

Maxsterling

Now I get it about testing. Its good you didn't defend yourself. My thoughts went more direction validate her feelings. Like: Its hard having such nightmares.

I really hope for both of you that there will be a change through therapy and medication.

[SweetCharlotte]

The one progress test that counts in cases like this is a return to functionality. When she is able to work and support herself, and to have a relationship that can move forward and produce children (since that is one of her goals), whether with you or with someone else, that will mean progress. It's not a test that another person can impose. Until that happens, she is holed up in a man's home, feeling she doesn't belong there and living day to day without goals.