Exit plan. How Do you plan for this?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Any help with this would be great. I will be taking step 1 today. Opening a new separate bank account.

Any and all suggestions would be very helpful.

[Cipher13]

Any help with this would be great. I will be taking step 1 today. Opening a new separate bank account.

Any and all suggestions would be very helpful.

[ForeverDad]

Do you have a sequence of events in mind, a strategy?

If this is preliminary, and no disclosure of "it's ending" is planned to be told to your spouse and she visits or calls the bank, then don't use the same bank in case a teller might tell her about the new account.  You don't want needless triggering that might cause her to do her own actions to defeat you.  Also, don't use an address or phone number where she might see a letter or notice a call history.  Be careful about online account access, clear your history or web pages and browsing history.  Web browsers these days have a Privacy mode, use it.  It's not perfect, if won't work if the other person has a snooping keylogger on your computer.

Very important to remember, if a marriage is prospering or you're trying to see if it can be saved, then communication and sharing are vital.  However, if the marriage is ending, then sharing your personal or private data and plans will most likely be self-sabotaging.  So beware of interrogations, rant sessions where she demands you tell all, etc.  Your new (quiet) motto is that you have a right to privacy.  It will be a battle of wills and determination.  Be aware, beware.

When you change your automatic paycheck deposits and she finds out, it could be a huge scene.  One defense you can be prepared to make is that the bank promised a bonus payment for new accounts.  It's lame, but at least it's better than no defense that you want to disclose yet.

[nevaeh]

Any help with this would be great. I will be taking step 1 today. Opening a new separate bank account.

Any and all suggestions would be very helpful.

I have very recently been where you are.  I opened a new bank account a week before I told H I wanted a divorce.  It was at the same bank that we use, but the woman who helped me set up the account knew what I was doing and was very helpful.  She also gave me her business card with her direct line so that when I was ready to move money from our joint account I could just call her directly and she would do it over the phone so I didn't have to go to the bank. 

Mind you, I am a female and was planning for the worst (in the event H got angry/violent, which didn't happen at all in the end).

The day before I told him I took care of the following:

- I took boxes of pictures from the house to my parents' house.

- I pulled kids birth certificates, social security cards, etc.

- I was going to check the safe deposit box but forgot to take the key with me - duh.

- I printed off bank statements showing balances of each account.

- I planned the time and place that I would tell him (at home, on Friday morning after kids left for school)

- I had an agreement with my mom that I would text her OK if things were going OK, P if I needed the police and B if things were going badly but I was handling it.

- I bought a new memory card for my camera and went around the house taking pictures of everything - furniture, etc.

- I took an inventory of some valuables in the house (silver coins) and took pictures so that I could be sure they were included in marital assets.

- I did a backup of our computer so that I had copies of files on the computer that H uses every day.

- I never used our home computer for anything!  Anything I did was done at work or on my work laptop which I keep at home. 

- The lawyer had already drafted the dissolution agreement and was ready to file as soon as I gave her the OK.

When that morning came I had done everything I could to get ready.  I was terrified when the time came and had to call a friend to talk me down.  I went home and told him.  Thankfully H didn't get violent, just got very emotional and desperate. 

I think the key for me was staying flexible and being able to react to unknowns on the fly.  Although H is fighting this to a large degree because he doesn't want to lose me, I believe we have finally come to an understanding that a separation is what we need.  H is seeking out counseling and I have agreed that I will not file for a few months until he has had a chance to get help.  One thing I have done is be VERY firm with him that I need the separation and that I am making NO guarantees as to what will happen and whether I will take him back. 

One thing on the direct deposits... .  I initially was going to change the direct deposit for my paycheck to my new account.  However, at the last minute I decided not to change it.  My paycheck goes into a bill-pay account and I didn't want bills to not be paid if my check wasn't there.  I was a little worried that the check wouldn't go to the joint account even after I changed it back through work and was trying to figure out how I would explain that if it happened.  It must have gone in OK because he didn't say 

For me I was very torn on whether to take half of our savings account and move it to my new account.  Against all of the advice I received, I did not withdraw the money.  I made that decision the day I told him, knowing that H was not going to pull a fast one on me based on the way he was reacting.  In the end I'm glad I didn't, because is has helped him trust me more as we work through this trying to come to a joint understanding of what a separation might look like. 

Good luck.  This is a very hard thing to do.  I was a nervous wreck before I told him and the past couple of weeks have been horrible but things are starting to look up just a little.  I feel like getting him out of the house and out of my everyday life will really help me figure out what to do going forward.  You can do this!  Engage a friend or two and share with them what you are doing.  I told several people what was going on and it has really helped keep me accountable for follow-through.  If I hadn't told anyone I know I would have just given in to his emotional pleas.  Think about that before you do it - how are you going to make sure you follow through?

Take care.

[ogopogodude]

WOW, ... nevaeh, ... you had things much more organized than me, ... .  I did not even think of taking photos of the inside of the house and documenting each room and its contents. That is soo brilliant yet so simple.

I did take as many pictures as I could.

[Cipher13]

Do you have a sequence of events in mind, a strategy?

1.   Set up bank account. (Done)

2.   Set up a place to go if need be. (Co-worker said I can crash at his place if I need to. Done)

3.   Get a set of emergency change of clothes, toiletries etc. (I have a just a shirt , shorts and socks right now.)

4.   Contact Police and update them about the situation. (Still back and forth on this.)

5.   Talk to her parents about what I am going to try to do and make sure they understand. Everything I have read has told me that if she freaks out that she will go to anyone and everyone close to paint the picture of what is going on in her frame of mind and not what is really going on. If I have talked to everyone in advance then she won’t be able to do that as easily. (Done to an extent. Just told them I am planing to tell my wife I want to have a relationship with my family again)

6.   Tell her I am going to see and talk to my family on a regular basis with or without her. This I am thinking will trigger her to fly off the handle. She may even tell me to leave at that point also. If it gets nasty and comes to that it will be the last straw. #6 will be the most difficult for me because there is no going back.


nevaeh  that was most helpful I too didn't think about taking pictures of the house and stuff. Wow. Thank you everyone. This is the hardest thing I have ver had to do. Yet will be the most rewarding in the end hopefully.

[Waddams]

Don't expect her parents to become your allies in this.  In the end, she's their blood and their little girl.  I would not advise them of your plans and contingencies. 

Also don't forget to get your direct deposit turned to your new account!  And a low limit credit card or two would be good backup.  Capital One, Citibank, etc. each have phone numbers you can call and do it all on the phone. 

When you have your bug out bag ready, it can also help to put some cash in it.  Enough for a meal or two, or a hotel.  Think about what you might need if you have to bug out quick and don't get a chance to grab everything.

And get a voice recorder.  Make sure you record the discussion when you tell her you're intentions regarding your family.  Record from before the discussion starts all the way to past when it is over, and say your name, place of recording, complete day (day of week, month, day, year), and time of day when you turn it on.

And lastly... . I know you feel anxious and probably a bit foggy headed.  Take a moment occasionally to just stop and breathe.  Try to stay relaxed. 

[Waddams]

Wanted to add one more thing - you might want to figure out a way, if possible, to protect your interests in marital property.  If you do this right, you can get out, live peacably through the split (if it really happens) and work thinigs out okay for yourself.  However, if you're found to have abandoned her and the marital estate, you could end up having to pay her alimony and her get most of the marital property and assets.  So consult a L, or several, and find one that is experienced in helping men in your situation.  and just a hint, a young lawyer won't have the experience for this.  My L is an older-middle aged woman and is known state-wide as one of the top divorce/family law L's around.  the judges mostly all love her.  her client's opposing parties all hate her.  it might behoove you to try to do a little research into your local legal profession, who's  good, who is not, etc.  sometimes the L just being on good terms with the judges is enough to tip the balance in your favor.

[Cipher13]

Don't expect her parents to become your allies in this.  In the end, she's their blood and their little girl.  I would not advise them of your plans and contingencies

I fully understand that. I was making them aware of some positive things so that if/when wife freaks out they are not overly influesed by her manipulating the circumstances.  They understand some of what is going on with her. But you are right I'm not leaning on them for any of this nor will I tell them of the contingencies. Just that I plan to tell her I am going to reconect with my family.

I have heard about the not leaving the dweling. Not sure how I can protect myself if its totally easier to leave the scene at the time. But thats what the L conversation is for I guess.

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

Are there children involved?  It is much more complicated and sensitive if you have children together.  If there are no custody issues, then it's mostly about the financial issues of splitting the assets and liabilities.

[Cipher13]

No children

[gary seven]

WOW, ... nevaeh, ... you had things much more organized than me, ... .  I did not even think of taking photos of the inside of the house and documenting each room and its contents. That is soo brilliant yet so simple.

I did take as many pictures as I could.

Thanks to all of you for this list and the thoughts that went in it.

The last three years of tax returns would also be a good thing.

I have already done the birth certify, passport, marriage license ( for what its worth), and ssn cards.

Also I guess be prepared to change all your online passwords to something completely different and set up private gmail accounts for those who need to contact you privately.

I have a diary on my work computer and I have all the important copies of documents at work as well.

[nevaeh]

WOW, ... nevaeh, ... you had things much more organized than me, ... .  I did not even think of taking photos of the inside of the house and documenting each room and its contents. That is soo brilliant yet so simple.

I did take as many pictures as I could.

Thanks to all of you for this list and the thoughts that went in it.

The last three years of tax returns would also be a good thing.

I have already done the birth certify, passport, marriage license ( for what its worth), and ssn cards.

Also I guess be prepared to change all your online passwords to something completely different and set up private gmail accounts for those who need to contact you privately.

I have a diary on my work computer and I have all the important copies of documents at work as well.

Yes, I had done that as well.  I made copies of tax paperwork.  I also made sure I copied the file where H keeps all of our account numbers and passwords so that I knew what we had - credit cards, insurance, retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc.  We have a lot of bills set up through our bill payment account through our credit union so I also went in and did screen prints so that I knew what the billing address was and who we typically pay bills to.  Most of our bills currently come directly to our home email account.  If H were to change the password on that account I wouldn't know what bills we even pay on a monthly basis. 

I also thought about renting a separate post office box and changing some mailing addresses ahead of time to prevent anything from being sent to our home mistakenly due to issues with getting mailing addresses changed.  I didn't end up doing that because it wasn't necessary in my case but might be something to think about.

You probably already know this, but if you have joint accounts you are entitled to take half of any money that you have available.  Since you don't have kids that takes a lot of stress off the table.  My lawyer had told me at one point that if I stay in the house I would be responsible for house payments, taxes, utilities, etc and to not expect any support specifically for those items.  Hopefully your lawyer is giving you good advice on what your responsibilities are once you leave the home. 


I also have the private email account that I run my membership through for this forum, as well as my contact information for my attorney as well.  I NEVER log into that email account on my phone, only on my work computer(s).

I asked me lawyer a couple of weeks ago what she would be telling my husband if he was coming to her for legal assistance (as in, someone in his situation where wife is asking for a divorce but he doesn't "want" it).  She told me that she would tell him first that there is a grieving process for divorce.  We live in a no-fault state so one party cannot "prevent" the divorce.  If one party wants it, it will eventually happen.  So, she tells them that legally they (the spouse) don't have to leave the home but that if they (he) stay, to be very careful about how he treats the spouse - no abuse, harassment, etc.  She would tell them that they can "delay" the divorce by requiring counseling but that if he chooses to do that (and fight the divorce) that proceedings will then move to the court system and legal costs will go up dramatically.  I appreciated knowing what she would be telling him if he were to talk to her.  I know there are attorneys out there whose goal would be to help "screw over" the spouse requesting the divorce, but it is nice to know that there are attorneys who take a very honest and helpful mindset when helping someone through this who doesn't "want" the divorce to happen.

Oh, one other thing that the attorney told me that I hadn't previously understood... .  she said that the marital assets as of the date the divorce is final are what gets split up.  She said that I should keep careful documentation regarding what, if any, money I spend from my half of the savings that I moved from our joint account.  So long as I could show that the money spent was used for living expenses then it wouldn't be attributed just to me.  I had thought I might try and buy a house before our divorce would be final but the attorney told me that any property purchased by either of us prior to the finalization of the divorce would be counted as joint property and subject to equal distribution.  So, what I heard is that I can't even think about buying something different until after everything is finalized.  My understanding was that as of the date I moved out/we are separated, that the money was split at that point and that was the end of it, but was surprised when I found out that everything is essentially split on the date everything is finalized.

[inhiding]

First and foremost, get a PO Box. If you're opening a new bank account and your statements or checks come to your house you risk the BP finding them. I know this from first hand experience. She never checked the mail, until the day my new checks showed up. That small mistake pushed me back a year in being able to leave.

Tell only people you can absolutely trust with what your intentions are, and keep them as your support group. When you do leave, go no contact if at all possible. That will keep you free from the Charming. Buy a disposable phone and do not let he/she have that number.

God I could go on forever with what to do.

[GaGrl]

Cipher, do you own or rent your house?

[Grey Kitty]

Wishing you strength for what you're going through here... . I think you have got a pretty good list of things to get in order.

One question/suggestion: Are you responsible for your own cellphone account? Communications are important. Alternatives include voice over IP (computer) things like Google Voice or Skype... . or simply buying a prepaid cellphone (or having cash to do so on short notice)

Hang in there!