I love her but cant live like this

[nownotsure]

My uBPDgf moved in with me 6 months ago and I'm now seeing another side of her and I have no idea whats going on or why she's all of a sudden changed.

She was supposed to pay her share of the rent, food and utilities, but for the last four months she has made one excuse after another. I have given up approaching her on this because she will literately flip out when I bring the subject up. I'm the one filling the gas tank in the car all the time, etc., and I'm starting to go broke supporting her, yet she makes decent money but won't tell me where it's going.

Her mood has changed in the last few months as well, and I suspect she is becoming depressed. I've noticed now that she constantly lies, has become secretive, wants her way all the time, and will deny she said or did something in the past, then starts blaming me for what happened. Also, I'm starting to hear that she is telling her friends and family our personal affairs and problems, which really bothers me.

Even worst, is she has started to scream at me if I bring our issues up, and she will even threaten to leave if I won't back down. This is becoming so one-sided, that I don't know what to do or how to resolve anything any more. We are in a stalemate and she seems quite content with things the way they are and doesn't seem too concerned how I feel.

We had dated for a year prior to living together and she was sweet and caring during that time, so I don't know what is going on or why the sudden change. I've suggested her seeing a counselor about her anger issues, but she refuses and tells me I'm the one who needs help. So I'm at the end of the rope and not sure what to do. Is she just going through a rough time in her life or is her behavior characteristic of a personality disorder? If this is a personality disorder, will things improve over time if I stay? Please help!

[growing_wings]

If this is a personality disorder, will things improve over time if I stay? Please help!

if your girl has BPD, then the chances for her to improve if you stay are very very small, unless she engages in strong therapeutic help.

Have you read the article on this website on how a BPD relationship evolves? this is true... .

[maxsterling]

This sounds similar to the situation I am in.  I knew she had issues with depression prior to her moving in with me.  I didn't expect the abuse, the debilitating depression, or the BPD.  She moved in with me much too soon, but she did need a place to live.  At the time, I thought I had found my perfect partner.  Her negative attitude started about 2-3 weeks after she moved in, the first rage and round of abuse and self harming behavior at about the one month mark, the first physical abuse at about 4 1/2 months, and the hospitalization at the mental hospital at 6 months.  

Much like you, I carry the load of everything.  She no longer works.  I do 95% of the household chores.  I fill the car with gas.  She's mostly miserable, negative, and hates herself.  For the most part, she has quit blaming it all on me, and actually apologized for a few things.  And to be honest, this relationship would probably be over if it wasn't for the entanglement of living together.  She has no friends or family to fall back on.  I care about her deeply, and don't want to see her on the street.  

I can't say whether your girlfriend has BPD, but it sounds like it to me.  Many of the tools on here help with coping.  the biggest is to learn not to engage her or explain yourself when she rages.  It only makes things worse.  When she rages, leave the room or  leave the house.  Trying to justify or explain your behavior to an irrational angry person only begins a circular conversation that will last hour until you are completely ruined.  Validation helps when you really need to get something across to her.  But keep in mind that staying with her, there will always be rages and it will never be perfect, no matter how much you use the tools on this site.

[Remington]

Hi,

Sorry you and your gf are going through this rough time.

It's important she get a clear diagnosis, if possible.  Behaviors can be caused by many different types of issues, medical, psychological,  otherwise.  Traumas can change a person's behavior, too.  Sometimes, women are assaulted and afraid to disclose this to their SO. 

I hope she will agree to see a primary care doc and obtain some mental health assistance.

You will likely benefit from using the skills taught here -- we all stand to benefit -- no matter the cause of her behaviors at this time.

Hope it gets easier for both of you, soon.

Cheers,

Remington

[nownotsure]

I've read some of the articles and a few of the posts on the discussion board, and I'm starting to realize that if she doesn't go into therapy, then there's little hope of things changing for the better. Unfortunately, I can't even get her into couples counselling.

That won't change as long as she refuses to see any of her behaviours, such as screaming at me, as causing damage to our relationship. Even worse, if we get into an argument and I suggest a time-out and then leave the room or go for a walk, she will either chase after me to continue the argument or accuse me of walking out on her. Then if I don't let her get her way, she will threaten to break up with me.

Even worse, she believes lots of guys out there will gladly put up with all her drama and demands just to be with her. I've almost taken her up on this a few times. So I'm at a los to understand what she gets out of behaving like this.

[maxsterling]

A couple of questions - Are drugs, alcohol, or addictions a problem?  From what you describe of her behavior, it sounds like they could be.  If so, those issues will have to be addressed first, or any kind of therapy will go nowhere.  Second, do you know if she has ever seen a therapist?  I'm curious where her objections lie.  Sometimes they had a bad experience with a therapist in their past, and feel therapists are all quacks.  Or perhaps they are fearful, that the therapist may actually find something wrong.  I think most pwBPD know something isn't right, they just can't accept the problem might be them. 

I do agree, though, that if they don't get some kind of professional help, there is no hope of things changing for the better.  There is just no amount of coping or altering your behavior that will cause them to respond positively. 

[nownotsure]

Hi maxsterling, interesting question. No she doesn't have an addiction problem, but her father is an alcoholic. Also, I don't believe she has ever been in therapy and her family would not be supportive if she sought help. My suspicion is that she knows something's wrong and is afraid a therapist might put a label to it. I also suspect her family would be merciless towards her if they were ever to find out.

Last thing I should mention, is her family has a history of stormy relationships between close relatives. Not that unusual for any two relatives in the family to end up not talking for weeks at a time. Ironically, my girlfriend's friends wont tolerate such behaviour from her, so she treats them differently.

[nownotsure]

I could really use some advice right now.

I was expecting to spend last night (Valentines Day) at home with my girlfriend, but she never came back from work and didn't get in the door until well after midnight. She has purposely done this type of thing in the past. Anyway, she told me that because I hadn't made any special plans, she decided to go out last night with a girlfriend. I wasn't very impressed to say the least.

This morning she changed her story and said she'd chosen to spend the evening with a male colleague (supposedly happily married). She claims that because this guy is more understanding of her problems, she enjoys his company. I was furious and now I'm at a friends place until I decide what to do. She hasn't tried to contact me at all, so maybe this is the end for us.

My friend and his wife are urging me to go back in a few days to collect my things and then stay with them until I'm back on my feet. My friend's wife feels I'm in a toxic relationship and that my girlfriend's motive all along was to break down my self-esteem. They are urging me to get some counselling before even thinking of going back. I'm torn somewhere between hoping my girlfriend calls to say she's sorry and following my friend's advice to just walk away.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this? Any advise?

[nownotsure]

I guess this is a bit of an update:

Talked to my ex gf Sunday evening, and she wanted to stay in the apartment and for me to move out. But one catch: she would need a bit of help each month with the rent until she can find a roommate. Long story short, she's moving back in with her parents by the end of the week. And the good part is I no longer have to look for a place to live.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a psychologist next week. I'm also taking my friend's suggestion to go NC, in case my ex changes her mind again. That's going to be really hard to do, hopefully the psychologist will be of help with my letting go.

[growing_wings]

I guess this is a bit of an update:

Talked to my ex gf Sunday evening, and she wanted to stay in the apartment and for me to move out. But one catch: she would need a bit of help each month with the rent until she can find a roommate. Long story short, she's moving back in with her parents by the end of the week. And the good part is I no longer have to look for a place to live.

Anyway, I have an appointment with a psychologist next week. I'm also taking my friend's suggestion to go NC, in case my ex changes her mind again. That's going to be really hard to do, hopefully the psychologist will be of help with my letting go.

hi nownotsure,

sorry to hear that things seems to have ended up. However, NC is the right way. I was recluctant to go NC at the beginning, felt like i needed to stay in touch with her, but i have been 2 months NC now... (well vLC) and i am much better now, although has been hard, and some days are very tough to process (as i miss her), going NC was the only way to get out of this situation...

now NC is a challenge on its own...

how do you feel about going NC? you think is the right step?

[nownotsure]

Hi growing_wings,

After her stunt last Friday, I think I've had enough and so NC seems like the logical next step. I won't pretend it will be easy, because my ex has a lot of good qualities and she has a knack for getting back through a closed door.

We'll see if she's moved out by the end of the week, then I can look at changing the lock and going NC.

[nownotsure]

... . I forgot to mention that I had a brief phone conversation with the psychologist this afternoon. She recommended that if we've already broken up, that it should remain that way for a minimum of two to three months otherwise the relationship dynamics become trapped. She also said deciding on LC or NC is more based on whether there's still linger hostility.

Just thought I'd post it for what it's worth.

[growing_wings]

... . I forgot to mention that I had a brief phone conversation with the psychologist this afternoon. She recommended that if we've already broken up, that it should remain that way for a minimum of two to three months otherwise the relationship dynamics become trapped. She also said deciding on LC or NC is more based on whether there's still linger hostility.

Just thought I'd post it for what it's worth.

Hi nownotsure... .

is good to see you have made your mind up, taking the decision to detach is not a simple one... .   so well done for having that courage to stand for yourself... .

i think your T is right... 2 - 3 months of NC... .   as said, i have been 2 months NC now, and things look different. I am still not on the other side of the fence where i feel indifferent towards her, i still miss her at times, but i have been able to see what sort of r/s dynamics we had and how un-sided and unhealthy the r/s was... .

stay strong... . post int he leaving board as much as you need. helps a lot... .

best wishes for you

[Theo41]

If she has BPD (she does have characteristics of BPD) then improvement is unlikely unless she admits she has a problem and is willing to reach out for help. Unless they are low functioning they tend to stay in denial and resist treatment.  Make your decision before she gets pregnant and u get married. Children,more than the spouse, suffer badly in these circumstances. Also, BPDs get attached to u, despite the abuse they deliver, and they don't want to let u go. They can go to extremes to make u to stay with them.

In my case I was deeply committed: marriage and two children before I knew what I was dealing with - a serious mental illness that severely impacts the life of the sick person and especially those closest to them (family and significant others). All best to u. Theo

[nownotsure]

My landlord called on Friday to tell me that my ex dropped off the apartment key and garage pass at his place. I was expecting her to use this as an excuse to make contact, but she didn't. All that matters is she kept her word and move out.

Now that I'm back in the apartment, there are moments I start to miss her. Then the fog lifts a bit and I start to recall the constant drama she created and thus the reason to maintain NC.

Reading everyone else's stories helps make me realize my ex will never change and that I need to move on without her in my life. I'm glad I found this site.