has anyone here considered a major lawsuit against their spouse (post-divorce)?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have considered a major lawsuit after my divorce is over on behalf of our children re: child abuse and such (as well as abuse against me). 

Any thoughts?

[ogopogodude]

I have considered a major lawsuit after my divorce is over on behalf of our children re: child abuse and such (as well as abuse against me). 

Any thoughts?

[janey62]

This is why I now have both kids (court ordered ... but more importantly, the kids do not want AnYTHING to do with their mom), ... . we live in the matrimonial home (court ordered), ... . and I am a single father that is now very happy (because my kids are happy, ... . & SAFE)


Hi Ogo,

I hadn't read any of your other posts, so I looked them up to get some sort of context for your post here and read the above.

I guess you are feeling angry and hurt and distressed after your harrowing experiences with your now ex wife?  I guess there are times when it eats at you, the unfairness of it all... .   And I imagine it's hard for you to know what to do with that pain?

However, a lawsuit against her, in my opinion, would be a pointless exercise and not bring you the peace that you need.  Also, it won't help your kids who, if as you say are now happy and want nothing to do with her, will inevitably be dragged into it again, with all the distress that a court case could bring.

Have you seen a therapist since your divorce?  It seems to me that you could do with some help in processing your feelings about your relationship with your wife.  I know that after only 18 months with a pwBPD I am in a mess emotionally and need help to work through it and get back some of the me that I lost. 

It was an extremely distressing experience, for you and your kids by the sound of it and it will take time to get over it.  I know you want some form of justice, some answers, some acknowledgement from her that she was wrong, but a pwBPD is not in a position to give you that.  In fact you risk opening up old wounds for all of you.

My suggestion would be to leave well alone, keep up NC with your ex wife and try to find another way to feel better.

Be kind to yourself and do what you have to do for yourself and your children, you've been through a lot together, now try to find some happiness... .



Janey xx

[VeryFree]

I still do. I'm still in divorce (more than a year now, thanks to her!) and I keep a few card up my sleeve.

I'm waiting how she is going to progress.

My divorcesettlement will be completely benificial to her, but I'm glad to give her everything I have (and more), if I never have to see or hear from her again.

If she takes all that and still keeps harressing me, I will put all my card on the table and will file charges against her.

[ogopogodude]

Yes, … I am so much happier now that I have the children full time as well as (for now) the house to raise them in…  But yes, ... I want justice.

If one is wronged, ... one should seek justice for that wrong.

Yes, I have seen a therapist many times and it was so helpful. The therapist viewed only one of the many videos I had with her tormenting and abusing me and the children.  He advised me that when ever I mention her name I should say the phrase "child abuser" after as a form of verification (that this nonsense was ALL her fault 100%) and that I would get tired of  saying that phrase after awhile.  As well, … it keeps me from actually saying her name (as when I am with my friends on the golf course, … as if I am going to say "_____, the child abuser",  blah blah blah.

[ogopogodude]

As an analogy, ... if one was to get rear ended in a mild car accident … it seems like that someone can sue the person for hitting them and get 50grand just for a sore neck that they had for two week time frame.

Well, ... honestly, … victims of BPD violence is not just a pain in the neck.  This  is real time serious stuff here. The damage that BPD's do is really unforgivable.  They destroy children's memories of their youth, ... etc etc.

[ogopogodude]

I still do. I'm still in divorce (more than a year now, thanks to her!) and I keep a few card up my sleeve.

I'm waiting how she is going to progress.

My divorcesettlement will be completely benificial to her, but I'm glad to give her everything I have (and more), if I never have to see or hear from her again.

If she takes all that and still keeps harressing me, I will put all my card on the table and will file charges against her.

WOW, ... you sound like me... . it is no secret that the things that I have up my sleeve are many covert videos of my ex beating me and the children over and over again.  This is what I have up my sleeve.  In other words, ... I have the smoking gun video clips of the the "murder-in-progress" . 

[livednlearned]

Gah. I cannot for the life of me understand anyone wanting to stay engaged in court. To get custody of your kids, yes. To get justice? No.

You don't get justice from a court. You get legal expense and pain and suffering and stay stuck in misery. You put your lawyer's kids through private school and upgrade their Mercedes SUV to this year's model. You fill of the court docket and make it harder for other parents to get their case heard sooner.

As an analogy, ... if one was to get rear ended in a mild car accident … it seems like that someone can sue the person for hitting them and get 50grand just for a sore neck that they had for two week time frame.

This is not the correct analogy. The correct analogy is winning a game, and then going to the loser's house and setting the house on fire. It's drinking poison expecting the other person to die. Never works.

You need to work this vengeance stuff out with a therapist Ogo. Not a court room.

Don't teach your kids to hate. They already learned that. Teach them to heal. Be a role model for healing. You're the only person in their lives right now who can teach them that. They're watching what you do, learning.

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... . I do need to get past this justice/revenge stage that I am going thru currently.  I also have to put behind me the  "I-was-right-all-along" perspective, too, as the really doesn't serve any purpose either. I am actually thinking too much and I am worried about the "next chess move" that my ex is going to pull (along with her BPD-ridden and non-logical parents are going to pull as well).

My teenagers already know that the rich in laws are whacky and that the only language they know is money. My in laws do not know the language of embarrassment nor humiliation nor simple rational thought, like us non-BPD's are blessed with... .

My kids have seen first hand how their own house was raped and pillaged of all the monetary items that I worked so hard for thirty years to acquire and how it was emptied by their own mother and her parents --their own grandparents--prior to us moving back into the house by court order (when their own mom was simply supposed to vacate --with personal belongings only--to allow the kids to live a normal life like they once knew).

I have to lead by example for my kids. I have to say, that I am actually am quite good with my words & behaviour in terms of not talking about things in front of my teens.  I come here to these forums to vent what I am really thinking. There is really no need for me to talk badly about my in laws nor their mom as their behaviour speaks/shows for itself.

I have to do the current math: I now have the kids safe in their own home. They can see and text and communicate with their mom as they wish (usually by cell phone) which isn't often anyway, more like hardly ever... . I can guide/parent them as I see fit (as this was pointed out by the wonderful judge who could see right thru my ex).

[ForeverDad]

A part of the issue, besides justice, is that often It Never Ends.  That is, the conflict or obstruction from the other parent.  So when the conflict resurges, we ask ourselves why we didn't do more or go farther before.  At times like that I have to remind myself it would have happened again anyway.  If the courts are unlikely to do what we feel is a full measure of justice, then we have ponder what a reasonable course is and accept that reality.

[janey62]

Hi ogopogodude,

I have to agree with what livednlearned is saying here. 

The idea that you can get any sort of relief from your anger at the injustice of all this through a court is very unlikely.  What you could end up doing is fuelling the fire further.  The thing is that a person with BPD isn't likely to have a conscience about their behaviour, or at least not to the extent that it will control that behaviour like it would for us.  You will just dig yourself a hole and get deeper and deeper in it.   

The stuff they took is just that, stuff!  I know you worked for it, but now you have to work for something much more worthwhile, your peace of mind, sanity, understanding of yourself and your part in this drama and the happiness and security of your kids.

Your ex isn't capable, she is ill and though she may appear to have beaten you, taken your stuff and messed up you and your kids heads, she has lost in reality because she doesn't have you or them and she is very unlikely ever to recover from her illness.  You on the other hand can recover and grow from this experience.  But to do that you have to let go of thoughts of revenge.   

Keep posting and ranting!  Get it out here until you don't need to any more!  It's good stuff.

Janey xx

[Matt]

I thought about it, and I think it's an option, if the evidence is very clear and there is something big to be gained.  For example, if she physically hurt you, and the medical bills were large, and she had enough money, it might be worth it to sue her for damages.

But... . I've let sleeping dogs lie, because of all the reasons everybody else has said.  My view is, if things are going OK now, I should focus on the kids and the future, not my ex and the past.

[Grey Kitty]

Never mind justice in a court room.  Once you get in there it is mostly about winning or losing.

You said that she and her parents have lots of money. That means lots to spend on lawyers defending or even trying to make stuff stick to you in a countersuit or something.

Do you really want to open this sort of a can of worms for revenge or justice?

[ogopogodude]

Yeah, … to them, this would simply be entertainment. I have a much better plan. Nothing. Nothing at all. That is the sweetest revenge.

They WANT conflict ... they NEED conflict. They DESIRE conflict. They THRIVE on conflict.

But what they wouldn't like is nothing.

That bothers them the most.

And that I have sh!t on their family … documented sh!t…. for the rest of my …. well, ... their lives.

Imagine having CPS report that is soo damaging in terms of a black mark on them. This never goes away. It sticks for life. And I have a wonderful print out of it.

And the 911 audio CD that I applied for and received directly from the  RCMP (police) that has awful screaming and yelling of THEIR family member.

Yes, ... nothing is a good thing. They have to live with the fact that blackmail sh!t can surface at any time……... Man, ... that must be annoying to them. Yessssireeee.

[livednlearned]

I think not responding is a good plan. Be boring to them. Move on. Crank up the radio silence. Heal with a therapist and deal with the vengeance stuff in a way that is constructive for you. Help your kids adjust to grown up life and help them figure out how to find healthy partners.

[ogopogodude]

Thanks, ... I will do just that: "be boring to them" .

I will go for more walks around the block to work off energy and hopefully these urges of vengeance and justice will subside eventually. I am sure that the "getting even" emotions will wilt away given time.

[livednlearned]

I will go for more walks around the block to work off energy and hopefully these urges of vengeance and justice will subside eventually. I am sure that the "getting even" emotions will wilt away given time.

I notice for myself that I am most angry when I think about the financial ramifications of all this. Things have worked out for me in terms of custody, S12 is doing well, I'm in a new healthy relationship. Therapy helped, and a good lawyer and judge.

But the financial side stings. It doesn't fire up feelings of vengeance, but it does make me feel angry. I'm learning to work with it through mindfulness and walking meditation. It's made me scale my life down to what is truly important, and that has been one of the most meaningful outcomes of all this. That, and I realize investing in S12's healthy well-being is worth every penny. I would do it all over again without hesitation.

I had a pedometer for several years and I logged some serious walking miles with my dog trying to sort through things. And then I met the guy I'm dating while out walking our dogs. 

[ogopogodude]

yes, ... BPD afflicted persons sure do drain us non-BPD's (in every aspect of life: emotionally, financially, and also they rob us of time, ... . a very valuable thing).

[Nope]

I feel like I really understand where you are coming from. In order to get the courts to see what they needed to see and in order to make sure you had your ducks in a row at all times while going through all of this you probably had to spend enormous amounts of time and energy documenting, going over evidence, being in contact with your lawyer and many other professionals. When you are a father and you need full custody the only way to get there us to throw every once of energy you have at your case. Trust me, I know. I'm a step mom doing most of the work because the kid's dad just doesn't have the fight in him or the mental training to be, well, basically obsessive.

So after all that energy is spent and all that work is done and you get your kids? Well, I would imagine it's very hard to just turn it all off. It was a way to cope when there was a need for it. But it's no way to live. Others are right. Time to put the metaphorical weapons down and just enjoy your kids. And as I've said before in other threads, there is nothing worse you can do to her than to just be happy. 

[livednlearned]

And as I've said before in other threads, there is nothing worse you can do to her than to just be happy. 

[ogopogodude]

Livednlearned, ... . Can I ask you some Q's?

Did you go thru the extreme anger stage (about letting yourself be abused physically, emotionally verbally, etc)?

And how long was this "phase", ... and do you still revert back to the occasional anger emotion from the past abuse from your ex?

(I am actually more angry at MYSELF --than my ex-- for allowing her to do those awful things to me, ... I am angry at myself for not leaving much earlier, ... however, ... if I did, I would have compromised my getting custody, as well as the home, etc... . because, by staying longer, ... I was able to logically & rationally document here actions, her words, her abuse towards me and our children)

[livednlearned]

Livednlearned, ... . Can I ask you some Q's?

Did you go thru the extreme anger stage (about letting yourself be abused physically, emotionally verbally, etc)?

And how long was this "phase", ... and do you still revert back to the occasional anger emotion from the past abuse from your ex?

(I am actually more angry at MYSELF --than my ex-- for allowing her to do those awful things to me, ... I am angry at myself for not leaving much earlier, ... however, ... if I did, I would have compromised my getting custody, as well as the home, etc... . because, by staying longer, ... I was able to logically & rationally document here actions, her words, her abuse towards me and our children)

um, yes. I had a fairly spectacular angry outburst here on bpdfamily, in fact. I even got a special note from the moderators at the time because of it . I wrote something very dark and put it out there, and that unlocked an avalanche of similarly dark feelings in others, some of it so hate filled and scary that it freaked me right out. It made me look in the mirror and see what my anger looked like and it was ugly.

Feeling angry is something that I wasn't allowed to do as a kid, and it's been hard for me, so I thought I was heading in the right direction to express it. But that episode actually made me aware that feeling anger is very different than feeling hate. I don't want to walk around with a black ball of toxic meanness in my soul. I want amazing boundaries and a rich life filled with loving friends, and family if that is possible. And a healthy son who can form healthy attachments with someone he loves, when he's ready. And he needs me to help him with that. I'm the only one to model that for him.

My timeline kind of went like this:

terrorized but in denial

seriously codependent, trying to fix my husband

terrified about staying, terrified to leave

flight and extreme fear

fear while living in an undisclosed apartment with S12 (9 at the time)

fear while divorcing

fear that he would kill S12 and himself or hurt me

giant anger that he had messed up every part of my life

then I had this big breakthrough that it wasn't really about hating N/BPDx, it was about wanting to be safe. That let me access the most vulnerable feelings I had, because I hadn't ever really felt safe, or even acknowledged that being safe was something missing. There was physical abuse in my childhood, following by a string of moderately dangerous relationships. I moved to another country and across the continent to get away from abuse and then married right back into it.

Getting in touch with the safety stuff was the turning point. I can't even begin to express how important it was to touch that stuff. That happened here and I carried it into therapy and gave myself all kinds of crying headaches. So painful that no one protected me as a kid! Even now, it still hurts.

That's why I wonder about you and the stigma/non-validation thing about being abused by a woman. Having a 98-lb woman beat you up, and then getting no recognition from society. Maybe it holds you back from healing? I could see how RCMP recognizing how bad it was fires up some righteousness because you feel validated about the degree of the abuse. For me, the abuse was shameful. But when I started to tell people, I was validated pretty much the whole way. By my lawyer, then law enforcement, then the parenting coordinator, then surprisingly, N/BPDx's lawyer withdrew and that was validating, and then very slowly the judge. Also, once I opened up about the abuse, I found out my boss, a very powerful strong and successful woman, confided that she had been in an abusive relationship for decades.


And yes, I do feel anger, but I see it like a big flag waving at me to pay attention to other feelings underneath. I feel angry that a high-conflict marriage and a high-conflict divorce has left me financially ruined. I feel like I learned my lesson, I'm ready to move on. But I can't. The legal bills make me feel sick to my stomach, and there is no end in sight. He has just fired up the appeals process and I feel angry that he is continuing to abuse me through the legal system.

It helps me to think of N/BPDx as a man who is ill. Sometimes I think of him as a tumor. The medical analogy helps me put him in perspective. Every now and then I throw a pity party for myself   and tell anyone who will listen that it's not fair.

Honestly, having S12's sweet young face looking back at me is what motivated me to deal with my anger. Like me, he wasn't really allowed to express anger as a kid. So it's a super unstable emotion for him. I wanted him to learn how to feel it and express it in healthy ways, and he is getting there.

[ogopogodude]

thanks. ... .

My timeline lis essentially like yours.

In my situation, I had friends & family supporting me to leave,... . but I stayed in the relationship  --just for a "little" while longer for really three reasons:

1/ to try just ONE last time to "fix her" b/c I finally knew what she had from the research that I did  

2/ out of fear of leaving/ fear of the unknown ... . (I had to obtain a rental place, get all my things in order ie my escape plan blueprint and... .

3/ which is the most important:  because I knew I needed to "get something on her" otherwise I would not be able to properly get custody, etc.

I look back and I must say, ... I really did do things quite well (if I was to grade myself I achieved say, a B-minus but not quite an A .  I had the help of my family on my exit strategy.  When I finally left, I had my support people "high  fiving me" and essentially congratulating me for doing what I was doing. But it did not feel like any victory. I felt the lowest emotionally ever in my life.

Here I was, ... . in a rental place with no furniture, ... . not one item. and the place sounded so hollow and with an echo. I can remember so vividly being in the centre (the family room) of rental place and sitting & kneeling down and just bawling thinking "look what this b*** has done to me ... . I have done everything 'right' in my life and look where I am... . all by myself".

Then in just moments after this, ... . without any warning, ... I had two pick up trucks arrive at my rental place without any warning. In the back of these trucks were with three beds and box springs, a kitchen table and chairs, roll-out carpets and hallway carpet runners, end tables/night tables a coffee table, ... . etc etc.

All of my brothers and three of my friends showed up in these pick up trucks to help me with "my new --temporary-- life". I tried so hard to hide my tears,... . as we set up this new living environment.  Wow, ... I thought, ... I just never knew that I had this support group waiting to be there when I needed help.

I thought, ... boy I have seen lots of emotional movies before that were real tear jerkers but if I could only screen play this moment and put it on a screen.  It really was quite emotional.

Anyways, ... .