uBPD and Death of Parents/Enablers

[bemindful]

I just introduced myself "upstairs".  Hi, again.

I wanted to see if anyone had experiences with a BPD/uBPD sibling with regard to the death of your parents.  I have an abusive likely uBPD/NPD sister who may prove very difficult as my parents age (they are in their 70s).  I hope to go into the story later just to see if anyone can relate.  But for right now, I'm concerned about a few specific things.

1. Because my mother, in particular, is her primary enabler, I'm very concerned about how my sister may act out when mom is no longer able to take care of her emotionally.  My parents are bordering on elderly now and my sister in her 50s.  I want to be prepared to assuage the potential strain on mom and dad as she may continue to emotionally burden them if they become less lucid (they are fully lucid now).  Any ideas here?  I know you need more of the story (which I'll get to), but for now I'm just looking for general things to look out for.

2. My sister and I are mostly estranged and my brother has problems with her as well.  If I'm still around when mom and dad pass, I want to be prepared for what kinds of things I might expect.  Particularly regarding the uBPD's emotional state (she did have a kind of neurotic break a few years back) and how she might lash out, act out, or behave toward my brother, his family, me, and the extended family (who live all over the country, USA). Thoughts?

While I'm not interested in forging a relationship with her that doesn't meet certain conditions, I do want to be prepared for what might come as mom and dad age.  We now see each other at some family functions (we live several states away from both each other and our parents). And, at some point, I'd love to get your thoughts on the whole story.  FYI, I am married without children.  She is single, never married. 

Thanks for any ideas and help.  Such a wealth of information here.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, bemindful,

I am not in your shoes yet, however I am sure we will have members who will relate to what you are preparing for. I can understand why you would be concerned both for your parents as they age and about how your sister might handle that process. Talking with a counselor or social worker might be able to provide some more information in regards to your question #1 (how to look out for mom and dad).

In regards to question #2, people with BPD are often triggered by abandonment fears, and death of a loved one can definitely feel like abandonment. So I don't think it is unreasonable to anticipate that your sister may have difficulty when the time comes to say goodbye to one or both of your parents. It may not be possible to predict exactly how that come out in terms of her behavior. Having a good sense of your boundaries would probably be helpful in any case. We have some good workshops here that helped me a lot to really articulate my boundaries, such as BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

You know your sister best... . what are you most concerned about?

PF