Extra P session today at 3...please suggest questions

[formflier]

Focus on the top goals. #504 gets you nowhere useful at all.

Flourdust,

Wonderful point.  I totally get that.

Except I am getting called out as sinning and no repenting, when I am using what I think are healthy tools for a pwBPD AND following Biblical guidance. 

"Guarding your heart" is great advice, even for those that aren't Christian.  I'm being told to do something by BC... .and... .he's sorta saying stand and take abuse and suffer well... .and I'm saying no.

For instance, me retiring to the room while wife ranted and stomped around the house was me being selfish and thinking about myself... .apparently.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Except I am getting called out as sinning and no repenting, when I am using what I think are healthy tools for a pwBPD AND following Biblical guidance. 

"Guarding your heart" is great advice, even for those that aren't Christian.  I'm being told to do something by BC... .and... .he's sorta saying stand and take abuse and suffer well... .and I'm saying no.

For instance, me retiring to the room while wife ranted and stomped around the house was me being selfish and thinking about myself... .apparently.

FF

Man, how old is this BC? 14? Clueless... .

[formflier]

 

Roughly my age... .mid 40s.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Except I am getting called out as sinning and no repenting, when I am using what I think are healthy tools for a pwBPD AND following Biblical guidance. 

For instance, me retiring to the room while wife ranted and stomped around the house was me being selfish and thinking about myself... .apparently.

This is where I suggested you "manage" the BC a bit.

He is focusing on stuff that you are doing, pushing you to act in directions against what we are saying here, what the P is saying, and what you believe.

Your goal: Stop the BC from directing you that direction.

Not your goal: Educate the BC on why this is a bad idea, or convince him it is a bad idea.

Ways to accomplish the important goal... .

1. Have a scriptural/theological debate with the BC over the topic.

Doing this will undermine either your authority with your wife (bad) or his authority with your wife (also bad, but not quite as bad). Avoid it if you can.

2. See if he forgets about it.

(Sounds ideal if it works, but may not work)

3. Try to re-direct him toward something more timely/relevant.

This will be a subtle one to do properly. Perhaps your P can advise you?

4. ?

[flourdust]

3. Try to re-direct him toward something more timely/relevant.

This will be a subtle one to do properly. Perhaps your P can advise you?

Smile, nod, "you've given me something to think and pray about," move on to next topic.

[formflier]

Yep... definitely will talk to P about it today.  I struggle with subtle... .so yeah... .I could use some help there.

FF

[empath]

FF, as I mentioned in the other thread, I have concerns about BC and how it seems to be used to focus on your 'issues' of 'not repenting' and now 'not suffering well'. It sounds a lot like abusive communication is happening from the BC to you, and possibly, your wife is 'on the BC side' (triangulation). These are things that sometimes happen in counseling when abuse is present in a relationship.

As with the social services counseling and involvement, I'm concerned that ffw is going to understand this as ff is bad and unrepentant, fueling her delusions (or cognitive distortions... .). She is complying because she needs to be seen as the one without problems and focus the attention on you and your problems.

[HopefulDad]

I'm going to echo Cat Familiar's sentiments to some degree:  I think this BC is in over his head when it comes to dealing with couples in which one of them has a PD.  That's a bit softer than "head up his ###", but still the bottom line is the same: You're going to get well-intentioned advice, but not the best advice given the actual circumstances.

[formflier]

Good session yesterday... .she quickly got me through venting stage and then we focused on possibilities of how to go forward.

1.  I think it was flourdust that said winning a war about scripture was low on my list.  Same thought, but expressed my way after working with P.  "Going toe to toe with a BC about scripture and meaning of scripture is not going to end well for me"   Especially with my PD wife there watching me "fight" God's will. 

2.  Better for me to focus on scripture and prayer and clarifying what I believe.  Yes, I would like to clarify what they are asking me to consider believing, but if I'm only doing that so I can win an argument, go back to point 1.

3.  The P's comment was that the BC is staying very abstract in his descriptions of what I am supposed to do and believe.  We rehearsed some word tracks to gently ask for specifics.  I am one to like to "pin people down" on what they are saying.  I like to be pinned down.  I stand behind what I say.  I need to be much gentler.  "I hear what you are saying, how do I model that as a behavior in this situation... ?"

4.  The one thing she was strong on is to use the phrase "It sounds like a judgment is being made about... ."  and gently ask for clarification.


She shares same fears I do that the heavy focus on me will reinforce my wife's view that I am the problem... as in the only problem.  Doesn't see anyway around that, especially when BC won't explain his plan.  Still working on this aspect, but I should stay centered and gentle, vice challenge.

As a general thing.  I need to focus on thinking more and saying less.  I can tend to "think outloud" and give too much detail.  I like detail.  In my mind the more detail I give, it's more obvious I am telling the truth.  In reality I am confusing those that are trying to listen and understand.

FF