want to leave but so many strings

[bajaloverz]

Been with my uBPDw for a year now and it's not what I signed up for. We haven't spoken for two weeks now.  We sit at home watch TV and don't talk. In the car its like there is a zombie sitting next to me. On a car ride with my parents for two hours a while ago not a word from her, she was having a fit.   My mom asked what was wrong and I said that's how she is.

I get home from work and she just lies there on the couch like a zombie and says hi.  When I do call her, I would rather talk to a  bill collector. She doesn't want to hang out with my friends since I am "fake" around them and act as if there is nothing wrong.

I promised her I wouldn't hurt her or leave her.  No matter what I hurt her.  We have tried counseling and I haven't done enough apparently. I just was introduced to BPD last week and it opened my eyes.

  I see the torture that my wife's sisters husband is going through and I don't want any of it.  I think its a family thing. Her sister has uBPD as well. The drama. The out of touchness with reality. A list of do's and dont's. I don't want a child with this family. I love them, they are great people actually, but not for me. I want to warn my brother in law, but he has apparently given up.  I don't want to ruin (as if it can be worse) his relationship with the mother of his child.

  I feel for the kid as well.  I feel like I am abandoning any sense of normalcy in the family.  My BIL was saying how everything is his fault and its all drama filled. Before me he was outgunned by this family.  I want to yell at the top of my lungs for him to run for the hills, but he has given up.  I see the frustration in his demeanor.  I don't want that future. 

This has been building up.  She has asked for divorce before but I mainly disregarded it. I have to at the words of my therapist give it more weight.

In the next two months, I basically work six to seven day weeks. Often til late night. Its my bread and butter of the year. Lately I have been slacking off and started to play Battlefield at the end of the day.  I forget the time and don't care to get home to a zombie.  She is highly functional and dysfunctional. At first glance she is an amazing girl, everyone loves her looks and attitude.

We also have one of my best friends weddings. As well as my friends wedding to her friend.  I don't want to make a spectacle and ruin their nights or anything leading up to it.  I feel bad.

What the hell do I do?  I have my own ADD to worry about, I know I'm selfish.

If I choose to stay, its gonna be an uphill fight.  I have to fight her. Her sister. Her mother.  (She doesn't have that many friends left). I felt that if I got her away from her parents house, she will see the light.  But no. Any progress we would make would go down the drain as soon as she say any of her enablers. 

My family and friends constantly say that the first year of marriage shouldn't be this hard.  Are they right?

[momtara]

You are looking at your brother in law and seeing your future.  I think you know the answer.

You should be kind to her, but if things are this miserable, it may not be something you want for the long term.

[HealingForMe]

What the hell do I do?  I have my own ADD to worry about, I know I'm selfish.

Dont for a moment think you're being selfish. It is every persons responsibility to put themselves first. You must take care of your own health & happiness. That doesnt mean being nasty, rude or hurtful to others, something I dont think is a prob with you. You seem to be very caring, esp as you are worried about the weddings you have coming up that you dont want to be ruined for them.

I agree with momtara, you see your future in your BIL if you stay. I think you know the answer too. I am all for trying everything to make a marriage work, I believe way too many people give up way too fast, but in your case you have tried. I would suggest if she doesnt want to seek therapy for herself (even that may not work as they really need to want to get therapy, not be pushed into it), then you will have done enough & should go. Ultimately it is up to you.

Do you feel like she will change or do you think you're heading down the same path as your BIL?

[bajaloverz]

Do you feel like she will change or do you think you're heading down the same path as your BIL?

We have gone to two therapists.  She can change if she wants to, but currently she thinks that she is all right and I am the one with problems.

Was over the in-laws the other night for the first time in a couple of weeks and my future flashed before my eyes. Went outside to talk with my BIL and right after coming in SIL grilled us saying that sure took a long time not in a good way.

Even if she changes, her mom and sister are the worst.  Its a vicious cycle. All three of them feed off each other and their miseries. My FIL has already thrown in the towel and my BIL is stuck because of his baby. 

I can't imagine that kind of life anymore.