How do you deal with it all?

[losingconfidence]

I just found out about the phrase "fear, obligation, guilt." It actually took me by surprise to read it like "wait, you mean you're not supposed to feel afraid of your family, obligated to please them, and guilty when you don't?"

For some background, my family and I have a weird history. My mother's diagnosed with BPD and some form of manic-depression. My father has PTSD and his mother seemed like an undiagnosed NPD case. My parents were involved with a really messed up religion (neighbors said we were in a cult) when I was younger, and one member in particular would constantly get involved in my life with various excuses. She seemed to know something about my parents or have something on them that they were afraid of getting out because they were always way more afraid of her than they were of being bad people or bad parents.

As a really young child (about age 5) I had an illness and my mother was freaking out. This one woman would not stop calling us and demanding an explanation for why I was sick. My mother claimed that if I didn't get a diagnosis soon, this woman would get them thrown in jail. At some point, the woman decided to come over and my mother pretended she was a "nurse" coming to figure out what was wrong with me. Supposedly my vomit was needed to "prove" to this woman I was sick. My mother was panicking at my dad about how this woman was going to be there in 20 minutes and I had to throw up by then. When the woman got to our house, she wanted my mom to go out to the curb and dig through the dumpster to see if any of my vomit was in there for proof.

The garbage collector had already come. The woman told us we had failed because she saw no proof that I was really sick. In a desperate plea to not get everyone thrown in jail, I told the woman I was constipated.

Her response to me was "prove it." I was put on the toilet in front of this woman and had to sit there with my legs apart so this woman could watch me have a bowel movement. I told my mom with BPD to please make her stop, that I didn't want someone to watch me use the bathroom, and my mother told me this woman had to. Mom yelled at me for being bratty and accused me of deliberately faking constipation so this woman wouldn't see me go to the bathroom.

This woman's "nursing" skills were put to use again when I had hypothermia (80 some degrees) and wasn't taken to the hospital. I only know it was hypothermia because my body felt wrong and some voice in my head told me I had to check my temperature. My mom with BPD told me I had a bad cold and then called this woman. The woman took me outside to her van, gave me hot tea, and told me if I didn't get better she'd have to take me to the hospital. It was stated as a threat.

I talked to a doctor about those two incidents and she told me that a.) no nurse would ever watch a child use the toilet for any reason especially not in the child's own home and b.) temperatures in the 80s aren't just "colds," and that it would be miraculous that I was alive even if I DID go to the hospital (which I didn't).

This woman worked at multiple churches I had gone to, and kept showing up at our house at various times. So much molestation. There was even a police interview at one point after which my mom spent an hour or two on the phone with various people insisting that I was just playing with that woman (no sex) and that I was screaming because I was melodramatic about something.

We never talk about this woman existing. If I bring her up, they contact her and I have run-ins (sometimes I don't even remember the run-ins). Because no one in this world but me has seen this woman and still remembers/is willing to talk about her, I feel like a liar. I keep recovering new memories that I dissociated or repressed and they all make the story clearer and clearer but a combination of those false-memory syndrome jerks and my parents' gaslighting makes me think it's all not true.

Even without this woman, my parents were bad. My mom had serious BPD and depression. She was in bed or shouting most of the time when I was growing up. I was accused of attempted murder for leaving a shoe on the floor which she almost tripped over. I was told Jesus Christ himself would be mad at me because I took too long to get dressed. I was criticized for how I used the toilet. My father was/is a war vet with complex PTSD who was medicated to the point of emotional deadness when I was a child. Occasionally he'd have a red out and show a terrifying level of rage, but that was about all.

Despite all this, they kept on trying to make our family good. I was in extracurricular activities (except when they didn't like the ones I picked or decided I didn't really want to do them), they made me good food (except when I didn't - I was underweight for my entire childhood and gained 15 pounds when I moved out without eating junk food), and they bought me expensive toys and gifts.

They're still constantly paying for/buying me things and they say they do this because they love me, but I feel like they do it to manipulate me. They paid for my college education and kept going on about the sacrifices they made to pay for private school. Recently when I looked into financial aid for further education I found out that they were actually charged in-state tuition due to need-based financial aid and I was given financial aid and I worked during school, so the bill was nowhere even close to what my parents were insisting they paid.

They also pay for things I don't actually need/give me things I don't ask for. Frequently they'll hear I need something (like a laptop) and buy me a much more expensive version of whatever I was planning on getting before I can even look around to see what I might be able to afford. They do this even though I've been steadily employed at the same company for over a year now.

Two problems I have are that a.) I still financially depend on them somewhat, which I am actively working on by looking for a better job and b.) they gave me their car but won't give me the title so I'm stuck in weird car-limbo which drives me crazy.

Curious as to how others have handled this. How do you get past the guilt when they have done some good things?

[Sitara]

I'm sorry to hear your story, that sounds terrible.

Obligation and guilt were big with my mom too. My mom is very much into buying things too. My parents fully paid for my college education and it helps to remember that I worked my butt off in college for my achievements.  While it was very nice that they were willing to pay, and I appreciate that they did, but just giving money is not enough for them to take credit for what I did.  If they hadn't, sure, I would have gone to a different school, but it doesn't change the fact that I would work to further myself in one way or another.

As far as your current situation, it sounds like you are taking steps to remove yourself from the situation and take control of your own life.  That is the path that I took and I feel it is the right one for me.  In the past we had borrowed money from my parents so the first step was to stop giving them that control over us and we found other ways to fund our needs. We physically moved away which has been a relief. Basically we stopped giving them power over us, and while yes there are some difficult points, there are always other options than relying on your parents. If the refuse to let you have the title, it might be worth it to just buy yourself your own car once you are able. My parents built me to be dependent on them and to be truly free I had to break that and stand on my own two feet.

It helped me to realize that I can be grateful for the help they have given me, but I do not owe them anything for that.  What they gave was their choice and it does not mean I owe them anything more than gratitude. Seeing your child succeed should be enough for a parent.  If it is not enough then that is no fault of yours.

Take care of yourself. 

[losingconfidence]

Thank you, Sitara.

I really liked the point you made about your hard work in college. You are absolutely right. Did your parents ever try to make it out like if they didn't pay for your college you'd be without a degree and sitting on some street corner or working at a Burger King? Mine do, and the funny thing is my education was so stressful and I felt so limited that now I'm actually going to freaking community college for a second degree. The community college experience has been good for me because it helps to shatter that illusion that if you have to go to a school you can afford versus the fancy "my parents paid for this" college, you somehow aren't as good or aren't working as hard.

You're so right about me needing a new car. My parents gave it to me insisting that I had to have that exact car because it was the ONLY car that was going to be good for my sciatica due to its huge amount of legroom. Well, I can barely drive the thing due to my sciatica. When I was out of town at a funeral we rented a Hyundai Elantra that had at least twice and a half the leg room of my mom's Toyota. It made me pretty upset actually because when I researched the car it wasn't even that pricey. I ended up wondering why they didn't let me research or have a conversation with me first versus just handing me things.

I am grateful that they gave me a college education but I know in their mind gratitude is something that means you have to repay them emotionally.

Are you NC now?

[Sitara]

Did your parents ever try to make it out like if they didn't pay for your college you'd be without a degree and sitting on some street corner or working at a Burger King?

Not in those words, but there was a lot of "look at your sister who didn't go to college and she's making minimum wage as a cashier." I was also told I have no choice in the matter, I WAS going to go to college, and aren't they so wonderful because I got to pick which one? I wish they would have spent more energy on helping me figure out what I wanted to do with my life and not so much that I needed to go to college because now I'm left wondering if I'm in the career I really want to be in. And don't get me wrong, I am grateful that they paid for it, but I think it would have been better if they had helped with some career planning too.

Are you NC now?

There's a complicated answer to this. The short version is that after having a conversation/argument asking my mom to be a little more respectful she stopped talking to me. When I asked her what she wanted me to do for my half, she said she didn't want to talk to me on the phone and we were moving out of state. She now only uses me as a middleman to send gifts to my kids. So I guess it could be best described as very very low contact, but after some things she's done lately we've probably heading to NC.

[losingconfidence]

Ah, I see. I had the same thing with "you HAVE to go to college, no questions asked but you get to pick which one."