what would happen if I leave

[gary seven]

I am under so much stress, and it seems to be building daily.  I have more and more responsibilities at home due to my pwBPD's cycles of deterioration, that I 'm doing all the chores and she lays in bed complaining about how this new medication keeps her awake.

I have hermited myself off from my coworkers, because I feel so burdened by all of her neediness.  My burden feels heavier by the day: but I think this is another of her controlling cycles.

She says, "What if I had Cancer, would you treat me like that?"  To all of those out there with cancer, families of loved ones with cancer, and cancer survivors I mean no disrespect.  Her model is not analogous, but in her mind it is.

If I left for a month what would happen?  Would she show herself the proclaimed insecurities and inabilities she has espoused are all a façade? 

How would I explain that to the kids?  "Mommy went away last summer to get better, now it's Papa's turn?"  I think my oldest would be crushed: he can't stand her.  My younger ones may not protest since she has inculcated them with parts of her belief system.

I am also posting this on L3. 

Just want to know if anyone has been there or tried that?

[MissyM]

My dBPDh and I are separated.  But I have the children, I cannot imagine leaving them with a dysregulated BPD.   I much prefer being separated but he hates it.   I have been getting healthier and stronger.  He has gone back and forth, so we shall see what happens.  I am not reconciling until he has really invested in his addiction and BPD recovery work.

[Louise7777]

Gary, Im sorry you and your kids are going through this. I dont have experience with a BPD partner, but I have 2 uBPD relatives, both females.

From what I have experienced, this is a no-win situation for you. If you stay, you have to endure the bad treatment, the pilling up of chores, etc. If you leave, you´ll be the bad guy. It doesnt matter that she had left before. Their rules dont apply to everybody... . Also, if she has enablers, they will come to her help and she will keep her show going on... . We know how much they love attention and playing victims, specially when abusing us.

Its your decision, of course. Im not familiar with your story, so excuse me if my advice doesnt apply. But I believe the best approach would be to remove the focus from her and place it on you and your kids. Dont feed her need for attention, do your things, go out with the kids, etc. Try to keep life as normal as possible. I know, easier said than done, I still struggle with mine and we are VLC.

[gary seven]

But I believe the best approach would be to remove the focus from her and place it on you and your kids.

Try to keep life as normal as possible. I know, easier said than done, I still struggle with mine and we are VLC.

Thanks Missy and Louise:

Yesterday was particularly awful:

after a rather good morning/afternoon, I came home from studying , we had family snack.  The eldest 2 were sent to the basement to build a trap for the leprechaun (S10 and D7).  Youngest (S7) was asked to come up with us to clean up his room.  After my BPDw continued to carry on, he scowered under his blanket, and subsequently ran out of the room, and ultimately the house.  After I ran the neighborhood, with no luck we called 911.  I got into the car, did the reverse drive for the usual family walk we take, and a neighbor reported seing him abt 3 minutes prior to my hitting the back street.  I found him safely and brought him home.  He was barefoot in a tshirt and sweats.  He stated he wanted to go to our usual bench and calm down.

So after surviving that, we all get up to admire the trap the kids built for the leprechaun.  My oldest used some extra  gold colored lego from some other sets as decoration.  Well rockets exploded and she carried on.

SO, in order to temper all of this, I took the kids to school, and after gently reminding him that he needs to reinstall the gold legos, we turned on the cd player and me and the kids sang ( all off-key, of course) the Policeman's Song (Tarrantara!)  from the Pirates of Penzance at the top of our lungs.  I get little snippets of alone time and try to make the most of it.

Tomorrow we meet with  the youngest's T.   

My BPDw has unreasonable expectations and overbearing punishments and it has to stop.

[DiamondSW]

I hope you have some way to take the stress off you -good mates nearby or the chance to do some sport?

I know the children come first, but you can't crack or then there's a real problem.  What about finding a nanny or someone to gie you some time out?  sounds crazy -and don't select a pretty one or youg one as the BPD will hate that, but it will give you some space and the BPD may not 'act up' so much with a relative stranger around... . mine only screamed at those she loved and had grown comfortable with.

Actually, errrr... .that was just me.  Wouldn't risk screaming at the enablers... . might have the £££ cut off  :'(

Best wishes