Logest period of "normal"?

[maxsterling]

Maybe I should ask over at the "staying" board, but what's the longest period your r/s has gone and things have felt mostly normal or stable?  By that I mean your pwBPD was in a good mood most of the time, abuse was mostly minimal, you were shown respect and space, and no boundaries crossed? After the first "rage" I can say I've not had more than about two weeks.  And even during that two weeks there are small manipulative or passive aggressive instances.

The reason I ask is that I was at my T today, and she was asking me if I had made up my mind whether to stay or leave this.  I said I was not quite ready to give up, and she asked if I have a timeline by which to see changes, and if I know what I want and need to see change.  The tricky point is, how do I know any improvement I see is not just a "calm" spell?  I would think that if the r/s went through a period of a couple of months of "good", I would feel more secure about moving forward.  But is a couple of months of good behavior enough to know things are improving and not just a cycle?

She is receiving T services, including a DBT group, and on mood stabilizing medication.  So I have been patient and paying attention for improvements.  But then again, she's been through therapy and medications most of her life, been in 10 mental hospitals, and still has major issues. 

[Seneca]

Okay, ON his anti-depressants, we have gone for months long stretches with very minimal suspect behavior, but when he went off them, he came roaring back, which shows me that nothing fundamental was being addressed. In the years when he was unmedicated, we perhaps had a three week record with only "minor" issues. Things that most people probably wouldn't tolerate that were, in comparison to the worst stuff, mild. The cycle of abuse has ceasessly continues, it's the length of each stage that has varied. The four stages in the abuse cycle are:

1) friction and anxiety builds

2) a dysregulation occurs (verbally or physically abusive outburst - this could also be a manipulation like a suicide threat, or personal meltdown that is designed to coax you into the position she wants)

3) remorse. this can be aplogy OR totally ignoring the event like it never happened

4) relative calm

[rollercoaster24]

Hi maxsterling

Longest period of 'normal'?

Mine was about 2 weeks, in the whole 4 years.

The rest? Every few days, the cycle of violence was building, anxiety tension, (something in my life was always the excuse, from my phone, to my family, to my house, my friends, my job, my money, you name it, everything was fair game for a devaluation, (mostly me though).

BP used every form of abuse with me, the sleep deprivation was the real killer though. Death threats, attempted murders, suicide threats, you name it. Once I went to my own Doctor and received a diagnosis in his absence, that was when the light went on. Although she believed that he is also suffering from schizoid delusions, and rapid cycling bipolar could be an issue as well.

BP lived off and on at mine for 2 years, but by the end of that, he had moved his focus more onto my family as well, and was instigating physical conflicts with them too. That was when I refused to tolerate any more, or be in the middle of his triangulations. He decided not to resolve his differences with my family, dump me and return to sponging off his elderly parents again, (his Mother told me he had been doing this now for 13 years).

Meanwhile? BP is homeless still after more than 5 years, relying on help from both his elderly parents, me or his brother (when I met BP as a friend early 2010).

The guy has a degree in his industry, but hasn't applied for a job in the 4 years I knew and was involved with him. It took him dumping me for 4 months of silent treatment, (after yet another assault on me) to get him seriously looking for employment.

All this coincided with his elderly parents giving him a few months notice to get out of their home.

BP had moved back there in February 2012, after ruining any chances of resolving anything at my home for 2 years.

Whilst at his parents, he did not seek employment at all, simply carried on the same way he did at my house, and 18 months later, after yet another 72 hour restraining order placed on him by his parents, and a couple of death threats and attempted assaults on his Father, (and a visit from Emergency Mental Health teams) his Mother finally gave up too and began to encourage him to leave also.

In the months building up to September last year, when his parents moved house, BP assaulted me for the last time in June, tried to make it up to me and get back together, only to rage again in July, and attempt to damage my car.

By this time, I had taken the advice I had been reading, and over the time he was at his parents, I had had a lot less to do with him. Over the June and July, I only saw him twice, (no thanks to him of course).

By August, he had dumped me for good, (and I believe he had someone else too), so I got the silent treatment for the full 4 months, from August 13-November 29th 2013.

By then I had given up on him ever fulfilling my dreams, (of him keeping his promise about seeking professional help) and was trying to finally move on with my new life. Trying to be strong, but also suspicious about the regular hang up calls I was receiving.

At the end of November, he rocked back up to my home, and dropped off a few big bags of used clothing, said he had 'found' it somewhere, and knew I would appreciate them.

Then he called my mobile from his usual style of a payphone.

Within a few days, I had been conned into hearing that things were different now.

And today?

After the events of November until now? Well, I realise I am just a fool once again...

[Love Is Not Enough]

I would think that if the r/s went through a period of a couple of months of "good", I would feel more secure about moving forward.  But is a couple of months of good behavior enough to know things are improving and not just a cycle?

I am questioning this myself right now. I am exactly 4 months into a "good" period and I do not know what to think. I am starting to feel very hopeful, but I am afraid to trust that it will continue.

I almost had a heart attack yesterday when she asked me by text to read the last 3 months of my journal. I used the skills I learned here to find out that she was feeling insecure and could not get it out of her head that I was seeing someone else. She said she really just wanted to know if I would allow it and not that she actually wanted to. I have nothing to hide, but I do use it for venting sometimes and I know it would hurt her feelings. She actually talked herself down and felt better after i reassured her that I was not seeing anyone else. I never even answered her original question about reading my journal. I was really impressed how she worked through it with my help. Although that she asked it in the first place shows that she is still struggling. I really hope it keeps moving in this positive direction.

I guess the point is that you have to take it one day at a time and pick your battles carefully. Even though things are going amazing compared to 6 months ago I am leery of moving forward. I have been thinking about selling my house as I have been living with her for awhile now, but it worries me she will perceive this as having more control and revert to devaluing me. I also like having the idea of having somewhere to run when things get bad. I don't know what kind of timeline to put on this as it is a major decision. I need to put more thought into that and make a decision soon.

Definitely post it on the staying board. I think you will get more feedback there. Maybe work out a timeline with your T. Set some milestone you would like to see by a certain date and reevaluate it then. Most importantly, just keep working the lessons. I did not JADE yesterday and using SET made all the difference. We ended up sharing some intimacy from what could have turned into a nightmare of a fight.

[maxsterling]

thanks, everyone.  Yesterday at couples therapy I stated that I have a difficult time communicating my feeling with her because I fear turning a good day into a bad day.   My example was fearing telling my GF about a friend of mine who is very ill, for fear that she would make it about her or not be supportive.  this crops up all the time.  If "good days" are relative and rare, I use them to take a breath, rather than take advantage of her good mood by talking about the relationship.  I fear that if good days start outnumbering the bad for a long stretch, that I don't want to add anything that could change that.  And I fear something like marriage could change that.  Heck, moving in together somehow triggered the real ugly stuff in her.  the T asked her if she was trying to push me away, and she said "yes".  So suppose we get married - I fear that happening again.  Maybe I will ask this question over at the staying board. 

[empathic]

Longest period in my case might be right now, going on perhaps 3-4 weeks. She's had a low-stress period for a while. If it were to stay like this, there _could_ be a chance of the r/s improving, but it's hard to say. I still don't feel that I love her the way I used to. I have a hard time getting over past hurts. Like max wrote in another thread, noone has treated me this bad in my life ever before (and I have been treated pretty bad back in school... . ).

[DiamondSW]

My longest period of normal with exBPDgf was 2-3 weeks tops. 

It got better when she was on mood stabilisers, but the moment she was on the drugs I think she felt ashamed and distanced/pushed me away... .  

Basically, if we'd lived together, I think 10 days would have been about right before a rage or something. 

[mitchell16]

with my exBPDgf it was about 3 or 4 weeks at the most in the almost 3 year relationship. or cycle was break up, stay apart and no talking for about 2 or 3 weeks. recycle. Honeymoon for about 3 or 4 weeks and then start all over. Sometimes it was longer or shorter but that was general how it went. I could always tell it was coming. her tension would start to build at the end of the 2 week. week 3 she would start nitpicking and doing things she knew would upset me and I would say something, anything or nothing at all and she would epxlode, rage, and I would leave to avoid the rageing. BUt one sure clue it was coming was I had bought her some jewlery, she wore it everyday. but about a week from her push away cycle she would suddnely stop wearing it. You could set your watch that with in 3 or 4 days she was going to start a fight and break up with me. I always thought that was weird. and at first thought it was my imgination but it was the one consitent thing she ever did.

[woodsposse]

thanks, everyone.  Yesterday at couples therapy I stated that I have a difficult time communicating my feeling with her because I fear turning a good day into a bad day.   My example was fearing telling my GF about a friend of mine who is very ill, for fear that she would make it about her or not be supportive.  this crops up all the time.  If "good days" are relative and rare, I use them to take a breath, rather than take advantage of her good mood by talking about the relationship.  I fear that if good days start outnumbering the bad for a long stretch, that I don't want to add anything that could change that.  And I fear something like marriage could change that.  Heck, moving in together somehow triggered the real ugly stuff in her.  the T asked her if she was trying to push me away, and she said "yes".  So suppose we get married - I fear that happening again.  Maybe I will ask this question over at the staying board. 

Okay, I'll be straight.

Leave.

It won't get better.  And if it does... . it will only be slightly.  From the way you describe things , this has been going on a while, therapy, medicine and still no improvement (but that is also difficult to assess because what part are you playing in this as well?  That is to say there are tools you would need to employ to help in this r/s... . it isn't just a her thing - there is a you component as well).

If moving was a trigger - getting married will be a HUGE trigge... . and you are now "stuck" with her. And heaven forbid if you have a baby.  You think you are on a roller coaster now?  Oh man... . let me tell you - it gets much much worse.

Again, this is just my opinion - but instead of sticking around waiting for "good periods" - I would highly suggest you focus some of your attention on you.  Then if you are comfortable with the tools you would need to be in such a relationship the question really comes down to... . how much pain are you willing to inflict on you for this relationship? 

Because there will be a buck of pain with another bucket of pain just to balance it out (and then Amazon.com will ship you a bucket of pain for free from their "Bucket of Pain" section)

Be safe and be well (and be happy).  And don't let anyone... . ever... . put you in a mental corner where you can't say  what is on your mind as to not upset them.  You are worth more than that.

[woodsposse]

with my exBPDgf it was about 3 or 4 weeks at the most in the almost 3 year relationship. or cycle was break up, stay apart and no talking for about 2 or 3 weeks. recycle. Honeymoon for about 3 or 4 weeks and then start all over. Sometimes it was longer or shorter but that was general how it went. I could always tell it was coming. her tension would start to build at the end of the 2 week. week 3 she would start nitpicking and doing things she knew would upset me and I would say something, anything or nothing at all and she would epxlode, rage, and I would leave to avoid the rageing. BUt one sure clue it was coming was I had bought her some jewlery, she wore it everyday. but about a week from her push away cycle she would suddnely stop wearing it. You could set your watch that with in 3 or 4 days she was going to start a fight and break up with me. I always thought that was weird. and at first thought it was my imgination but it was the one consitent thing she ever did.

Yup.  Been there done that.  It was almost like clockwork.

What really got me was the pushing of the buttons to "start the fight" and then somehow turn it around that it was me (and in the course of the argument say that I'm turning around her words on her which, of course, makes her even maderer... . but no matter what, the end result was always the same.  Always.)

have I mentioned always yet?