Trying to see myself clearly

[janey62]

I came across a paragraph in someone else's thread which made me think.  I will paraphrase:

I am not loveable because I don't love myself.  I am emotionally stuck at an early age, like a lost and lonely child inside, but outside I look and behave like a more normal adult.  I don't know what I want or have a clear idea of who I am.  I have learned how to survive, have developed a maladaptive process which involves having a relationship purely because I can't stand to be alone - trying to fill the void, then destroying it because I can't stand to be too close.  Then I move onto the next one.




This is me!  This is how I feel, or how I felt.  The only thing which separates me from a pwBPD is that I have the ability to feel empathy, now.  I didn't used to.  When I was younger I was incapable of feeling anything real for a person, in fact often didn't even realise that they were a person, with feelings and needs.  I was crashing around hurting others, hurting myself and getting nowhere fast.  I would use and manipulate men, though seldom getting what I thought I wanted or needed, whatever that was, they were usually cleverer than me, or more manipulative.  I think I was looking for security, love, unconditional caring, but if I found it it was too rich for me and I would reject it.  All of my relationships were messed up.  I was mostly attracted to men who were abandoning and callous, or to men who would be obsessive about me.

I was just trying to get my daddy back.  I lost him when I was three and I believe that, in spite of my mother's crazed and chaotic behaviour which terrified and traumatised us, losing my father was the biggest blow to me as a person and interrupted my development at a crucial age.  He left.  I stopped.

My relationships were messed up and chaotic.  I was depressed a lot and struggled from one relationship to the next.

Things changed for me when I broke up with my son's father when I was 36.  I think I really loved him, even though getting any crumb of love or affection from him was a constant struggle, he was the withholding type. 

I was now on my own with a 3 year old, as if history was repeating itself.  I saw the devastation leaving had on my son.  I decided then that my son would have his father, however closed he was emotionally.  So I didn't do what my mother did, I stayed close, enabled them to see each other whenever they wanted to.  I suffered for this.  I couldn't detach from the father for years emotionally (there is some irony here), even though we both had new partners.  But my son had both of us, not fighting, close at hand and was secure.

Then I went and did a counselling course, recommended to my by my therapist at the time (clever woman).  I began to learn about human behaviour and relationships and couldn't deny any more that my relationships were a mess.  I began to look at myself and felt the burn or realisation searing in my gut... .

So then I think I went too far in the opposite direction, taking on lame ducks and trying to love them back to health, in spite of the enormous cost to me.  I've learned a lot, but also know that there is still a lot I don't understand.  I don't understand how I can know all this, yet still find myself in (arguably more) dysfunctional relationships, as in the recent 18 months with a pwBPD.  Am I just doomed never to break the cycle?  It's so frustrating... .

I still don't believe I know how to be or what love is.

I know it hurts when you lose it. 

I know that I don't want to sacrifice myself for someone else. 

I know that I am more loveable than I thought I was. 

I know that I have learned a lot, but still have a long way to go.

I know that I did the right thing for my son; he is a billion times better adjusted than I was/am!

I know that I feel deeply sorry for the little girl inside me who has never found her daddy again... .

I know that a lot of my dysfunction in r/s comes from my mother having had uBPD and hence unstable r/s's.

I'm afraid that time will run out and I'll never feel safe and secure and normal.

I'm afraid that I wouldn't recognise a sane, stable r/s if it hit me in the face!

I wonder how it is possible to know so much and yet for it to have so little effect. 

I needed to vent that.  Thanks for reading.

Any ideas, feedback or insight you can offer will be gratefully received. 

Janey xx

[heartandwhole]

Hi janey62,

Thanks for your courageous post.  Your upbringing was very difficult, and it really makes sense that you would have coping mechanisms that are outdated now.  I do, too.    I really resonate with what you say about knowing so much, yet the patterns continue – me, too!

I asked my therapist about that.  I asked her why, as I'm getting older and wiser and have a really good grip on my "stuff," are things seemingly getting worse in the relationship department?  She didn't really answer, but told me that I wasn't alone, it was very common to see this in her practice.  Recently, I read a book about women's development, and the author said the same thing: that many women in their late thirties into mid-forties have a kind of emotional crisis, where the maladaptive patterns become increasingly problematic and a recovery needs to happen.  Apparently this is especially common with women who have experienced any kind of abuse in childhood.

I think this happens so that we can finally choose other ways to live and love.  When we're young, we have to survive, we have to please, to cope.  I think as we get older, we can learn to focus more on ourselves and what we want and need, and give it to ourselves.  The hardest part for me is learning how to re-parent myself, to love myself the way I need to be loved, but I am making progress.

You have a son, whom you love very much, so that relationship is a kind of model of how you can learn to love your own little girl inside.  She needs the wise parent to comfort her, too.  You are the wise parent and the little girl.  You know how to comfort and love a child already – can you do the same for yourself?  I know it's not easy, but with practice you can forge a close relationship with that innocent part of you that will endure bad stuff in the hopes of being loved.

For me, dialoging with my "little heart" has helped. I listen to her, feel her feelings, and speak to her as the loving, wise adult (often I just hold her because that is what she wants).  It's so easy to get pulled back into distractions, so I have to remind myself frequently to pay attention to her.  Lifelong habits do not dissolve easily, I'm afraid.  I'm sure your T can help you find a way to connect with your "little janey" that works for you.

You are asking the right questions, and looking deep, janey62. This is how we change and grow. Keep up the great work, we're here for you. 

[janey62]

Hi Heart,   

Thanks for your identification and kind words.   

I think that I had that time in my late 30's and right up to mid 40's.  I was more confident and worked a lot out.  I did a degree and became self sufficient and had interests and friends and ways of spending time happily which didn't necessarily involve a significant other - spending some years being single, and enjoying it.

I thought I'd made a lot of progress, had many hours of therapy of all kinds, and really got in touch with my inner child.  I began to heal and to learn how to love myself and 'little Janey'.  Life was good, sweet even.  My beautiful son was growing up into a kind and intelligent man with confidence and a lot of friends and a great future.

Which is why I believed when I met my expwuBPD that I'd arrived!  He seemed so well rounded too and we took off together.  Imagine my horror when I discovered that he wasn't what I thought he was?

I think this has set me back.  I am having to ask myself the questions that I thought I'd answered, and now I'm tired too!

I know it's just a matter of time and that I'm going in the right direction.  I'm starting out on a new journey in a new place and feel confident that all will be well.  I have been loving my little Janey, giving her hugs and being caring and patient with her.  I even protected her from him and his evil tongue and quite well I think.

So I'm now a little wiser and in my early 50's and hoping that I'm forewarned about BPD (which I was largely unaware of, having only met pwBPD who came to where I worked for addiction treatment).  I'm realising now how and why I attract men who are lost in some way and hopefully better able to guard against getting hurt.

This site is so important; I can't tell you how much it has helped me, though you probably know.  What I like is that all of us, from the senior staff, to the newest newbie all share a common experience.  That is powerful!

Hugs

Janey xxx

[living in the past]

What a great post. I am afraid that i wouldn,t recognize  a sane stable relationship if it hit me in my face.can we laugh at ourselves,laughter is the best medicine,my mother told me,you have a good night,thanks

[Turkish]

H&W said: You have a son, whom you love very much, so that relationship is a kind of model of how you can learn to love your own little girl inside.  She needs the wise parent to comfort her, too.  You are the wise parent and the little girl.  You know how to comfort and love a child already – can you do the same for yourself?  I know it's not easy, but with practice you can forge a close relationship with that innocent part of you that will endure bad stuff in the hopes of being loved.

This goes back to something my T said, that God gives us children to teach us how to love. For a lot, it never takes (whatever FOO issues we have that a lot of us share similarly), but being aware, we have a chance, children or not.

[janey62]

I agree Turkish, being a parent is such a gift and there is so much to learn from them.

My son (now 19) is a very wise person and has taught me a lot.  I was the eldest of 5 and caretaker to my siblings and my mother from about age 10 onwards really. 

I was laden with responsibility and always anxious because my mother was often suicidal, hysterical, depressed, vicious, volatile and sad.  I suppose because I took on the role of 'mum' to my siblings in a way, I was sometimes bossy and smothered them with too much love I think. 

My son wouldn't have any of it. 

He never really let me mother him, from a very early age.  I remember one time I was saying something to him which was mildly chastising, and although he'd only just begun to talk, he said to me, 'mummy, stop 'plaining!'... . It still makes me laugh to this day.  He was fiercely independent and wouldn't let me do much for him.  He still is, even arranging to go to University himself, with no input from me whatsoever.  He makes mistakes and pays for them, but I can't say 'I told you so' because I didn't.  I was not allowed to interfere in his schooling, never invited to Parents' Evenings, he learned to drive on his own, with his own money, that he'd earned working for his dad.  I'm not at all overbearing, he just didn't want it.  He did't have to grow up any faster than he wanted to, but always had a kind of maturity about him.

So I left him alone, standing quietly by, ready should I be needed.  I got on with my life and got educated and a career.  He and I lived together and I had a few ground rules and he stuck to them.  He was a very energetic child and I was required to play, a lot!  Lego, cricket, fishing, Pokemon, painting and making stuff.  I had another chance to have a childhood, caught up on the one I'd missed out on effectively.  All the while I left him alone, found myself telling myself to 'not speak' and he actually didn't need it anyway, seeming to just behave well naturally. 

What he did want however, was to talk to me about his feelings.  He still does.  He tells me everything and trusts me not to give unwanted opinions, just to listen.  He talks about his feelings around his dad, which are complex, his girlfriends, his being unhappy at Uni, his friends, his money worries.  He told me about school, friendship woes, even called me once when he'd gone to his first music festival to consult me about the drugs on sale (I'm a drug&alcohol counsellor - that was hair raising I can tell you!)  knowing I would calmly answer him and not freak out!  He trusts me! 

I am so proud of this, and proud of him, I can't tell you!  In spite of the pretty dismal job my mother did of bringing me up, I've made a good job of it myself, which I'm still kind of surprised about.  It's as if my son taught me how to be a mother.  I was very fearful of messing it up to start with, but over the years my confidence has grown.  He's been the making of me... .  

You've got all that to come Turkish with your little lambs... . Hope it's as good for you.

 

Janey xx

[Turkish]

I agree Turkish, being a parent is such a gift and there is so much to learn from them.

My son (now 19) is a very wise person and has taught me a lot. 

I am so proud of this, and proud of him, I can't tell you!  In spite of the pretty dismal job my mother did of bringing me up, I've made a good job of it myself, which I'm still kind of surprised about.  It's as if my son taught me how to be a mother.  I was very fearful of messing it up to start with, but over the years my confidence has grown.  He's been the making of me... .  

You've got all that to come Turkish with your little lambs... . Hope it's as good for you.

Janey xx

Thank you Janey. Your son sounds like 1 in a million. S4 is the more emotional one that needs validation. I think D1 will be far more independent. She's only 22 mos and got upset with me when I went to put her shoes on, she wanted to do it herself. Took her brother over another year to get to that point. It shows in so many things. They are my lambs... . my little monster lambs :^)