as usual I am lost for words, how was I meant to react?

[preciousme]

Hi,

I have posted on here once before, but mostly I read and learn.  Last time I posted I got some really kind and helpful replies, this was a couple of weeks ago.  Since then I have found myself back seeing my BPD b/f, last time I posted I was going to try and keep away but I am finding it very difficult when he turns into mr nice guy again.

Once again I am feeling confused and at a loss for words really.  The last couple of weeks have been up and down, he has had a couple of rants/rages and I have kept to my boundaries and left and tried the method of going back a few days later and not rehashing it.  That was fine, he was happy to carry on as if it hadnt happened and at that time so was I.

However his last little episode a few days ago, was a common theme lately of me being boring and not exciting because I wanted to go to bed and in fact did go to bed.  Hell it was 12.30 at night, and we were just sitting there staring at rubbish tv and he was smoking weed.  After a few minutes he also came to bed and half way through sex (sorry for too much information) he suddenly stopped and when I asked him whats wrong, this is when he started about how boring it is and I dont excite him. He said he has been feeling this way for three months. Now I am not stupid, and I KNOW when the sex is good, and too be honest that has been the main thing pulling me back lately so where the hell did this come from.  I thought the whole sex thing was getting more passionate and close! he went on to make some more derogatory comments about our sex life then when I got angry and said does he not think that I get really bored with him and could do with a bit of excitement (I meant in general not about sex), he told me he didnt want to sleep with me tonight.  So I got up and dressed while he was ranting about how stupid all women are and whatever bla bla lots of nasty things about me.  I told him ok that he neednt shout and I left saying I would see him in a couple of days.

Now I have been thinking about this since then, and I just cannot go back and act normal this time, I really cannot.  I did agree to go over this eve thinking I will just listen to what he has to say, although I suspected it would be nothing.  I had no intention of staying, so I went for a coffee and he was virtually silent all the time i was there.  Smoking his weed of course and listening to music, made a few idle comments friendly enough but really he was silent.  After about an hour I left saying this is pointless not talking so I will see you later in the week.  He just looked at me smiling saying 'I just thought it was peaceful' ?

Am I missing something?  What was all that about?  On the night I had to leave, he had just attacked the one good thing that we still had left, our sex life.  Its like anything that is ok he has to destroy.  Was I supposed to appear at his door tonight and promise to be exciting and not boring?  I know 100 per cent I am not boring, bored in his company sometimes lately due to having to sit there inside myself watching what i speak about,  but not boring, and I can sure as hell be exciting and fun in the right company. 

I am sorry if this is all long winded, but I think I needed to vent, and also I feel just totally confused.  Have I handled this situation tonight and the other night badly?  I have kept to my boundaries and left when I felt the need to, I just didnt know what to do or say tonight before I did come away.

He doesnt like me not sleeping at his nearly every night like I used to and he does not like me being boundaried about going to bed at a normal time.  I do not sleep well anyway and a few months ago was so continually drained and exhausted that I had to put these boundaries in place, but like I say I know he is not happy with them.   Any thoughts would be very welcome if anyone reads this.  Thank you in anticipation.

[DiamondSW]

Welcome back   after 2 rather fraught weeks it seems.

The sex thing sounds horrible, as though he wants to devalue you and make you feel like rubbish.  It's very emotionally draining and damaging and I hope you won't go there again because if he does it again or says nasty words, the implications will be long lasting.  Sex is a very personal thing where people are v vulnerable -by hurting you here, he's really getting to your core and possibly affecting future relationships you might have.

MyBPDexgf used sex to hurt me.  She was weet and adorable in bed for a few months, then witheld when she wanted to hide herself away with depression, and then found god and decided her baptism had given her a fresh start and no sex b4 mariage.  In all, she did a good job of making me feel horrible and useless:  5mths on, i'm still nowhere near the point of feeling that I can sleep with anyone, let alone become vulnerable. 

I think you know what you MUST do.  The drugs thing just makes it even more hopeless.  Please don't allow this abuse to continue, because it IS abuse.  It's a waste of a decent woman and it will damage you a little like the PTSD I have -which rears its head when I'm in places or remember phrases/actions. 

Look after yourself, you're not alone, but you have the power to stop this pain.  Please stop it.  x  :'(

[In_n_Out]

My *guess* is that it was more about HIS performance than you (lack) of performance and because of the guilt at his not pleasing you (or in HIS mind he wasn't), he mirrored his emotions on to you.  Remember, with BPD, it's never really about YOU, it's ALWAYS about THEM.