Why is taking that final step to leaver her so hard?

[Fly Like An Eagle]

I am having such a difficult time taking that last step to let go of my BPD wife.  Last weekend we went to my parents place and she had got totally disregulated.  She did not want to leave the room, she kept my up all night letting me know what a terrible person I was, she threw things at me, etc.

Prior to coming back home, I told my parents the issues that we are having and I told them how I wanted to leave her.  They supported me fully and they are just waiting for me to come to their place... . but I still cannot bring myself to do it.  I am alone in the house now with all the logistics in place, but taking that last step is literally making my stomach sick!

I guess what is stopping me are two things.  Firstly, I have a step daughter who is 16 that is truly wonderful and I am a father figure to her.  I am SO concerned about the damage that I may do to her if I just pack up and leave.  Secondly, since coming back this weekend, things have been great in the house between my wife and I, every day progressively getting better, but each day I feel it brings me closer to a ticking time bomb.  It's just a matter of time before my wife becoming disregulated once again in a few days.  But another side of me thinks, "maybe things will finally turn around this time?"

I am wondering as well, should I just leave without any notice when my wife and step-daughter are away form the house?  This seems cruel and very hurtful, but I also know that if I tell her that I am leaving her face to face while we are both in the house, she will do anything possible to stop me, and I mean anything!

This is really frustrating, and it makes me feel like total dog poop and weak that I cannot take this final step.  I guess I am afraid that I will end up regretting this decision or just be consumed by tremendous guilt.  Also, I am 41 years old, and leaving a whole life behind is just so hard to swallow.

Any suggestions, notes, or comments would be most welcome.

Confused, sad, and frustrated.         

[Narellan]

I totally feel what youre going through. My ex husband of 21 years had bipolar disorder and i thought of leaving every day for 13 years ! I was terrified of what he would do to my 3 little boys if i wasnt around and he was angry. So it took so long... . and i put my misery second. Only until my kids were  into their teens, 13, 15, 19 and my body started to shut down from stress that i had to finally do it. I lost 18 kilos in 2 months and i wasnt overweight to start with. It was a terrible time. I still have so much guilt that i couldnt fix him , or keep the marriage together. My boys were upset, and angry, but 2 years down the track they make statements about their dads behaviour, and say they dont understand why i stayed with him for so long. They are so glad they dont have to be around him daily.

Kids are very resilient. If they are secure in knowing you are there for them any time, any place, that is a great gift. No matter where you live, or who they live with.

Once you have made up your mind, you will feel sick but also feel a sense of peace.

Children are better having come from a broken home than to be living in one.

Be strong and really know what you want before you make that final step. And be true to yourself.

[tired-of-it-all]

I struggle with the same issue.  It is a tough decision.  When I take a few steps backward and look at the situation objectively, the decision shouldn't be hard.  Living in this mess is hell.  Just plain hell.  When I think of why I stay I realize that there are many reasons:

Pity

The old adage Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (afraid of what she will do and having even less control over the situation)

Worrying about the kids when they are with her and I am not around.

Worrying about how badly she may react.  How hard she will fight.  What kind of lies she will tell.

Good luck to you.  When you figure out how to do this, please tell me the secret.  I need to pull out and just can't seem to muster the strength and courage.

[Theo41]

I've been in this situation for decades. When I look back on it now I think I should have left when the children were young. They told me then that given a choice they would live wi me. Now that they are grown and independent,they say she was hell growing up and they need counseling to cope with the damage.

As for us, she's worse. Had stomach bypass 6 yrs. ago and begn drinking. Disregulates after two glasses of wine.

I have had to enforce boundries and give her feedback on her horrible behavior. She won't go to AA or counseling.  It's tough. It's too late to divorce, but I reached the end of my rope several mos. ago and just remove myself from the situation. Keep dialogue to a minimum to avoid conflict. It's sad. The worst part is because I was the target of her anger I didn't think it affected the kids. It did and it does. They keep their distance . One told me his therapist said " there's nothing in the book of how to be a good son that say you are required to eat poison."

We don't see him as much anymore and I miss him dearly.

So I don't know what forces cause us to stayin such abusive relationships. Someone wrote recently: when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving that is when you will leave. All the best to you. Take care of your kids. Be strong. Theo

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, it's gut wrenching knowing that you HAVE to leave. It's the FOG that does this. You have every reason to leave right now.

You're stepdaughter will understand your reasons even without you telling her but probably a good idea to explain to her that its not working out and you will always be there for her.  If your stepdaughter has her father in her life then this is a very poor excuse. I could have said the same thing about my stepdaughter but now she gives false statements to the police trying to help her mother jail me on alleged breach of a restraining order  while I was on the other side of town. Not your kid = not your responsibility. Save yourself before the kid helps her mother put you in jail. Do we really want our parents bailing us out of jail at our age?

[Fly Like An Eagle]

Thanks to all of you for your responses.  Things have been getting better in the last three days, and I keep thinking to myself, "surely things will start improving now!".  But deep down I know that this is just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.  It's a matter of days, not weeks before another disregulation occurs and I am asked for a divorce, my bank account is emptied (only to be refilled again), my car keys and passport are hidden, or even punched in the face! 

I keep struggling with this, however, I want to thank AussieOzBorn for neutralizing the "step father" aspect.  I am planning to keep paying for my step-daughter's education once I leave, and now I see how that should be more than enough.

The question sticking out in my mind right now is what is the best way to leave her?  Should I pull a cold turkey disappearing act?  Or are there other ways to do this?