Poll Question: If Live-In BPD had an Affair, Would You Consider Taking Them Back

[WisdomSeeker]

Hello Family,

My Situation

Less than two months ago, I left by ex-BPD live in girlfriend from a 6 year r/s because I discovered that she had been having an affair for a month. I didn't discuss it with her, I just packed by bags and left when she went to dinner with her friends. I left a letter stating that I knew of the affair and that I wouldn't tolerate lack of loyalty and betrayal. I thanked her for all the good times and wished her luck and happiness. She called me 3 weeks later and said she wanted to get together when the dust had settled to discuss any unresolved issues. I told her I was not interested and that I had nothing else to say to her. Now NC for about a month and I am pretty sure that she is still seeing my replacement.

I know that my ex BPD's behavior was selfish and very damaging to me. But I had threatened abandonment a couple months before without knowing she was suffering from BPD.

Poll Question

Would you consider taking an ex-BPD live in partner or spouse back after they had an affair? If yes, would you stipulate some sort of therapy requirement for her and/or both people in the  r/s?

[mapys]

No, I would not and neither should you!

[Bklner]

I feel like I have been put thru hell with my uddpb wife but the one thing that she never did is cheat.

That I would never accept.

[maxsterling]

I'd simply be too hurt - this would be a deal breaker. 

Of course, I said the same thing about physical abuse, and that happened on one instant, and I took her back because she promised to work on herself.  Some days I wish I would have ended it then, though.

[Pecator]

Ehhh,

You can let it go and make amends. Heck I did.

At one of the hardest points in my life, my uBPDgf replaced me completely out of the blue. There were problems, but they were all based around my job and such. Problems we were discussing and getting through. She said she met this guy just to see what it was like to be normal. Even before I knew anything about BPD, I knew she was just terrified I would have to move away and that this guy guarded her from feeling that.

Even when she crushed me in the second worst crushing I have ever took (it put me in the hospital with stress), I came out on a path to health. I needn't let a little thing like this stand our way to happiness. I was strong and confident enough to navigate the mind field of her emotions and get her back.

Six weeks later, I did it. With forgiveness abounding we were on the top of our game. I have never been happier then when she chose me over him.

I worked out perfectly!


Oh, why only the second worst crushing?

Because the worst came a year later. Her ever powerful fear of abandonment rose its ugly head. This time at the very time life was about to get easy. She convinced herself that I thought she was just a life-boat and I would leave her when I got to shore (her words). Then she painted me black and pursued the one person who could hurt me the most. Yep…my replacement from before. I can only imagine (though I did see one email) the lies she has told him to get him back and so quickly. She crushed him as bad when she recycled with me.

So, yes, with enough unconditional love, forgiveness and dedication couples can grow past an act of infidelity. However these are the very traits pwBpd can't seem to internalize.

These are the very traits that seem to keep us hooked. Even to ask the question, it seems like they abound in you. In a normal situation I would encourage you to exercise those qualities. But when BPD is even suspected, they can be the very qualities that can bring unbelievable suffering.

I would encourage you to focus on healing you. Preserve those great qualities. Your BPDexgf deserves those qualities. She may not be able to accept them. She may even use them against you. Find someone who can, not only accept them, but appreciate and flourish with you in them.

[MissyM]

If he would do the work necessary to get better.  My dBPDh has been diagnosed with drug and sex addiction, he had been to about 25 prostitutes in a year and a half span.  We are separated and I am not that interested in taking him back, as he is now   If he did the work to make changes in his life, maybe.  I can't say without that happening.  So I am concentrating on my life and improving it.  I am  not someone that ever thought they wouldn't immediately just divorce after infidelity.  I left him over the drug addiction and after rehab he just switched to hookers.  He hasn't done the core work on himself, although he supposedly hasn't been to a hooker in 2.5 years but has been unwilling to wholeheartedly commit to recovery from all of his problems.

[WisdomSeeker]

Thank you all for replying and sharing. My ex BPD always exhibited selfish behavior, but I am still in shock that she had an affair. We had lot's of problems resolving issues and unfortunately, I had too many of my own financial and work problems to spend any time resolving our problems. No I definitely take partial responsibility for the failed relationship, but not the infidelity. Like I said before, I threatened to leave because she had been verbally abusive. I was trying to defend myself and hopefully get her to be nicer. But that was the wrong approach. Oh, well.

[mapys]

I threatened to leave because she had been verbally abusive. I was trying to defend myself and hopefully get her to be nicer. But that was the wrong approach. Oh, well.

Don't beat yourself up - that was a logical reaction to what you were experiencing - it is normal to defend yourself - you are not Jesus. I have done the same - in such way I have let my BPDgf know that something is wrong because a normal explanation and facts don't seep through their brain (they are always perfect). And to be honest I can't change my mindset to understand how to talk to her so that she feels safe, wanted and would understand - that's a battle with a windmill - one man can't win.

Cheers!

[free-n-clear]

Would you consider taking an ex-BPD live in partner or spouse back after they had an affair?

    I'll admit I made that mistake. Thought forgiving & forgetting would be a way to counter her fear of abandonment and she'd wake up to herself. All it did was give her the green light to do it again.

    So in future, the policy is ONE strike and you're out. No ifs, buts or maybes. The judges' decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.