Would you be sad if they died?

[MyGreatEscape]

I already know how morbid this sounds... . and perhaps no one will admit to the thought, buuuut... . we are on the Undecided board, so we are halfway in, halfway out... . dealing with absolute hell most days.

Have you ever thought about whether you would feel sad if your pwBPD suddenly died?

Or, have you caught yourself wishing it would happen, that you'd get a call, a terrible accident... . that maybe they (and we, and our kids) would be better off... . ?

Something I read earlier made me start wondering what everyone feels about this... . I admit I have thought about it... . wondering how I would react, depending on whether he'd been raging or if things were on an upswing... . and whether, spiritually, this would be a do-over for him, like, better luck next life (and don't look me up!)... .

[mywifecrazy]

Yes I WOULD be sad for her. Especially sad because my sons would be extremely hurt. But the sad part is that I don't think I would be too upset about it. I was married to my uBPDxw for 18yrs and new her for 20 years. If she died during that time I would have been DEVASTATED and hurt real bad. Now that I'm out of the FOG and found out about all the lies, cheating and deception that has been directed at me during and after our marriage I now realize that the person I loved for 20 years didn't exist so it is hard to morn her.

This is sad to think about and it means I still have a lot of healing and growth in my recovery from this relationship! I need to come to terms that she is a very sick person and needs help, no matter WHAT she has done to me I need to depersonalize it and pray for her! Easier said than done when her actions are hurting my sons.

[maxsterling]

This is a GREAT topic. 

I have spent considerable time thinking about this - because for awhile this felt like a real possibility with her daily suicide talk.  First, she has few others in her life, so I know it would be up to me to give her eulogy, and I think about what I would say about her.  I would have very good things to say. 

But would I be sad?  I don't think I would be sad in the same sense as I may be for another person.  I would feel sad that she never was happy.  I would feel sad for those friends and family who loved and tried but had to keep a distance.  I would feel sad for others dealing with BPD, and sad for society, and just sad for the universe.  But I would also feel relief, and I feel guilty that I would feel relief.  I would feel relief that I no longer have to deal with this.  I would feel relief for her that she is no longer in pain. 

I don't think I would feel the same sadness or heartbreak, because in a way I have already mourned the loss of her, and have already felt the heartbreak from her.  Sure, I would be sad and cry a ton, but I think I would move to the contemplative/personal searching stage much sooner. 

[MyGreatEscape]

Terrible... . that we would 'most likely' feel relief, but feel terrible about feeling relief. But, I suppose that in some way we would all feel sad... . for the loss of life, wasted time, for our kids... .

I know I still love my husband immensely, but there are those days, after being raged at, kept up all night, accused, threatened... . that I find myself wondering... . would I shed a tear at the moment of finding out, or would it take time for it to hit me? He just so happens to have a dangerous job, too, so there is always that possibility that someone could come to my door, to tell me about a fire he died in. I cried the first time I had this thought... . what a horrible person I must be... . now, I don't know... . some days he is so miserable and confused about himself and life in general, it's made me wonder if god or whomever is cruel for keeping him here... . in misery... . making us all miserable too... .

[DiamondSW]

I'd be heartbroken.

It would finish me.  I know too much about her past and she doesn't deserve a sad future.  x

[newc1992]

I would certainly be upset if my BPDexgf was to die. Whilst she is crazy and she can be extremely nasty sometimes, we did have a good relationship together and as a result she will always hold a special place in my heart. She has a bright future ahead of her and I genuinely feel that she is trying to do the right thing, but cannot take any blame for always ending up on her own. She did throw away a good relationship with me, however whilst I would like to see her suffer, this is only so that she might look back and one day realise what she had and wish for it back.

[hergestridge]

I think once you realize that there is no "us" for pwBPD,  the question of loss becomes tricky. It's like grieving an interloper.

[Clearmind]

We have members who have posted here advising loved ones, including children have completed suicide. Do a search you will find the threads.

Great Escape what's your long term thoughts about your relationship? What would need to change?

When he rages what do you do?

[Take2]

I have gone thru some seriously intense emotional abuse from my current ex (it's been so on and off for the entire time I've known him)... . but I would be absolutely devastated if something happened to him... .    despite my therapist trying to say that it's (my r/s with him) is an addiction on my end - while I do agree that I am absolutely addicted to him, I also truly love him with all of my heart... .   he's in another r/s right now (hasn't stopped the push and pull tho... . ) and as of today is painting me as black as night... .   but despite the horrible threats and horrible things he has said to me... .    I would truly, truly be devastated... .

[MammaMia]

So complex.

My pwBPD is my 39yr old son.  I love him very much but have come to realize he cannot accept or return that love.  In many ways, pwBPD are already absent emotionally.  He often tells me how he wishes I would just die so he could be happy.  He will not acknowledge my death or attend my funeral. 

His main goal in life is to move far away and "disappear" from my life.  Never to return.  Sadly, I am the only family member he communicates with because he has already severed ties with everyone else.  He contacts me.  Rarely do I initiate a conversation. 

Whether he could actually handle being on his own is unknown, but I believe he means what he says.

[Hero2Zero]

I'd celebrate beyond belief. In-fact, it would be a never ending party. A party like non-before.   

Do I wish that though? No, I don't. I wish for peace and for her (my wife) to get better. But that will never happen. Why? Because she refuses too. I believe she is BPD, DPD, and AVPD. Her mother is a diagnoised BPD/Now physiciatrist, go figure ~

[Skip]

With respect to those members that have lost a loved one to suicide- a child, a husband and father, a mother -  we're going to close this one.