Will This Antagonise Her?

[Aussie0zborn]

I changed the locks and installed a video security system in our two holiday homes today and moved into one of them. The restraining order I got last week (which took six months to get) prevents her from coming within 100 metres of my place of residence and place of work.

Quick background:

Our two holiday homes are side by side at a beachside location. We had them listed on the leading holiday rental website and the rentals of $60,000 per year helped pay our mortgage. After separation she changed the log-in name and password so that I could not access our bookings or correspondence from people wishing to rent holiday accommodation. I eventually got our online listing taken down and then found she had changed the log-in and password to the new guy's surname and her date of birth. What a class act!

She's Been Collecting Rent Money for the last six months

She directed people to pay the rental money into her personal bank account and she has been renting them out for the last six months. Rentals over the peak season should have totalled close to $50,000 and 50% of this money is mine. She has been paying the mortgage since then (and I haven't seeing as I have already paid more than my share of the mortgage so I'm actually ahead). The rental money is then transferred from her personal account to our mortgage account making look like it's all hers and this, she no doubt thinks, will give her a greater percentage in settlement. I say this because I know how her mind works when it comes to money - particularly my money.

I have not been to the holiday homes for six months because I was afraid of her and the new guy, a thug and convicted drug dealer who also threatened my lawyer after our little court win ten days ago... . and a uBPD wife who believes she is entitled to everything and in true BPD style will fight with her fists because she is not responsible for her actions or the damage that she does... . you know, its always somebody else's fault. Also, I did not want to spoil anyone's holiday plans and shut a family out of the house when they have paid 30 days or more in advance.

Now that my daughter and I both have restraining orders against her, I feel confident to assert myself and put an end to her theft of my share of our rental money and have somewhere to live, too.

Today... .

My lawyer notified her lawyer today that I moved into one of the houses and  noted that the restraining orders prevent her from approaching my home address. As both houses are next door to each other, she can't enter the other house either. The problem here is that her lawyer is not a regular lawyer, but what you would call a part-time lawyer. With his colourful past it seems he cannot get a job in a law firm so he teaches at a private business college by day and runs his law practise from home using his cell phone and a Yahoo email address. He does not even have a fax.

His colourful past is exactly that. Convicted for "the manufacture of a commercial quantity of a prohibited drug" he was jailed for two years before being released on appeal - he appealed a technicality and won his freedom. Damn, he must be a good lawyer or the police really botched up the investigation... . woteva. So, he may not yet have seen his emails and so the stbx uBPDwife may not even know yet.

Conclusion and Question (The part you've been waiting for):

Now that I'm living in one of the houses it is no longer available for rental and I will not honour any bookings for the second house if the rental money was not paid into our joint account. With the school holidays coming up and possible rentals of $12,000 that she will have to refund, do you think their might be fireworks? I should point out she is living in a house we jointly own and I don't go renting it out.

Do you think this will antagonise her or take her off her mean vindictive streak? What would you have done in my situation?

[Ritchie53]

From my limited knowledge of BPD (in a relationship for 20 months with one - decimated me) in answer, yes it will antagonise her. Control is an important factor in these peoples makeup, the need for control, without it they spiral downwards.

But, and this is a big but, there will be some repercussions. Once devalued and discarded, only the most ironcast non's with no attachments physical, emotional or financial are able to walk away without still loving their BPDex's. This is where we can't win - they don't love and never did love us in a conventional sense. The analogy is having a boxing match against an opponent who has the ability to become invisible at will, its a tough and almost unwinnable fight unless you dont fight at all.

The anger you must feel as well towards the new guy, a drug dealer, convict etc. This is another stage of the emascualtion you probably went through, she now feels safe as you would never 'confront' the guy head on, and why would you, you have a lot more to lose than he does so for the time being, and this is only for the time being, she feels safe with him and ergo this man will be her soul mate and someone who understands her as he would be willing to put what existence he has on the line for her feelings - but only for the moment.

The bonus is that you are taking the correct legal proceedings but try to think outside the box as well, remember that manipulation, projection, gas lighting, is direction are her tools so any action you take can be turned against you.

I wish I had better answers for you, but there are no boundaries or scruples with these people and guessing their next move is difficult.

[ForeverDad]

You probably need to spell out the need for her disclose any scheduled rentals, any pending rentals, stating clearly that you do not know what she may or may not have promised regarding the two properties.  Don't assume there are renters scheduled and don't assume there aren't.  Lawyer should handle so that you don't make a legal blunder saying the wrong thing or failing to say the right thing.  By being proactive it might reduce any 'damage' claims she might make - or claims renters might make.

I wonder if she might try to come when you're away?  Is she to keep her distance from you, your residence or both?

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks for your replies I don't feel any anger towards the new guy. I am constantly astonished at his level of stupidity but after the court case I see he is actually rather dopey as well - she chose well.

I understand the BPD process, ie : devalue and discard while having a replacement lined up so I can't be angry towards him. He owes me nothing. During his pathetic little sob story, he did flatter himself in court by saying I would likely be a threat to her as my wife left me for another man. If only he knew... .

As regards the restraining orders, they state she must not contact or approach my daughter or me within 100 metres (328 feet) of our home or work. It's after midnight and my mobile phone has rung twice from a private number (number not showing). Nobody rings me after midnight and I don't have my sound recorder handy so I didn't answer it as I don't want to receive any threats and not be able to prove it.  The minute she calls I will be putting her in jail without hesitation. Note that the night before the recent court case she alleged I breached the restraining order the police issued me and I was arrested. I was at the police station until 3.00am and released without charge when I had court at 9.00am. I wasnt able to sleep. She even had a witness who drew a picture of my van but got the description all wrong but apparently this witness could see my eyes in the rear vision mirror as I supposedly sped off.

We had previously requested an account for the holiday home rentals but they were denied. She now has a new lawyer (four lawyers in seven months) who responded saying there was a weekend rental booked and if I didn't vacate my home, they would take me to court and seek costs,

My lawyer wrote a brilliant response and nobody showed up for the weekend rental.  I would have sadly turned them away if they did but the house next door was vacant and available if it was genuinely booked. Her lawyer fears a mortgagee sale as she has been "struggling" to pay the mortgage since I stopped after separation. I'm actually enjoying the holiday home for the first time and I will be sad to see it go.  She has asked for 100% in her settlement proposal so it's going to be messy.

By taking the holiday rentals away from her, there is no way she can service the mortgage alone. After being unhoused and chased into the street like a dog in the middle of the night I'm inclined to let the bank do what it needs to do.  Especially after the police noted that I take and spend all her money but now that I'm not there, why does she still have no money?

I have had a video surveillance system installed with motion detection for when I'm away. It takes a photo, emails it to me and then I can log on using the IPhone app and watch it live. I can also rewind and watch it again when I go down to the police station to show them.

At some point, you have to stop the financial bleeding and the abuse that causes it. It's stopped now but it's been too quiet and I expect my lawyer will hear something from them this week.

[ForeverDad]

I had a two year divorce and by the end I had three voice recorders, the risk was too great one or another would be full or drained batteries.  Also, your cell phone can probably record too, just practice using the recorder simultaneously with a call before depending on it to work.